Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Witches' Brew"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
15 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Hey, Ama, Wow! a LONG chapter. A suggestion ... in order to get more readers (which means a better chance of getting 'meatier' reviews, they simply have to be shorter. I know, I know, but don't shoot me for saying it! Secondly, when you don't post for a long time, it's a good idea to have a short summary of the back story.
That said, your chapter was riveting. There were important things going on, decisions to be made, relationships repaired, new problems looming on the horizon.
Good job! Some specific concerns are below:
The packs wouldn't dared strike each other [...wouldn't DARE strike...]
Ama, almost the entirety of the first page was dialogue without any "stage directions". I can only suggest you read it aloud. After a while you start noticing that while important information is being exchanged, it's just mouths opening and closing.]
Jewel allowed River a couple of hours to calm down. [The following several paragraphs are excellent examples of what I felt was missing above. Good stuff!]
"It contains spells that requires the summoning of the dead and human sacrifice. [...spells that REQUIRE the summoning]
laying a finger on the side of her face. [I don't know, Ama, this description bothers me. It has a kind of Santa Claus-y feel to it (except I think he put it alongside his nose), but it's supposed to be a gesture that represents deep thought. And it's a little too stock.]
Everyone appeared to racking their brain, [If you're gonna use "their brain" then you have to change the subject to ALL ... and BRAIN would have to be plural. If you use EVERYONE then you need to change THEIR to HIS (for which you have that gender problem.]
Everyone lowered their glasses and gazed at Matt. [The same dilemma as above.]
A great pivotal chapter, Ama. I can see why it took you so long to develop it.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Hey, Ama, Wow! a LONG chapter. A suggestion ... in order to get more readers (which means a better chance of getting 'meatier' reviews, they simply have to be shorter. I know, I know, but don't shoot me for saying it! Secondly, when you don't post for a long time, it's a good idea to have a short summary of the back story.
That said, your chapter was riveting. There were important things going on, decisions to be made, relationships repaired, new problems looming on the horizon.
Good job! Some specific concerns are below:
The packs wouldn't dared strike each other [...wouldn't DARE strike...]
Ama, almost the entirety of the first page was dialogue without any "stage directions". I can only suggest you read it aloud. After a while you start noticing that while important information is being exchanged, it's just mouths opening and closing.]
Jewel allowed River a couple of hours to calm down. [The following several paragraphs are excellent examples of what I felt was missing above. Good stuff!]
"It contains spells that requires the summoning of the dead and human sacrifice. [...spells that REQUIRE the summoning]
laying a finger on the side of her face. [I don't know, Ama, this description bothers me. It has a kind of Santa Claus-y feel to it (except I think he put it alongside his nose), but it's supposed to be a gesture that represents deep thought. And it's a little too stock.]
Everyone appeared to racking their brain, [If you're gonna use "their brain" then you have to change the subject to ALL ... and BRAIN would have to be plural. If you use EVERYONE then you need to change THEIR to HIS (for which you have that gender problem.]
Everyone lowered their glasses and gazed at Matt. [The same dilemma as above.]
A great pivotal chapter, Ama. I can see why it took you so long to develop it.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Jay. I made the corrections. I deleted the summary because it made it even longer. Thanks for your sharp eye. I made the corrections.
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You are welcome, Ama.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write nd with imagery. Well expressed and easy to read . I have no reason to suggest change in your script. I enjoyed readin. Mary
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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A good write nd with imagery. Well expressed and easy to read . I have no reason to suggest change in your script. I enjoyed readin. Mary
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Wow, thank you so much. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from J Patience
This was an enticing read. I saw how small the page-scroller on the side of my computer was when I clicked on the story and thought, "Oh man. Well, I'll read long enough to make some suggestions." And here I am at the end. Thank you, this is entertaining and filled with circumstances that make me want to know what happens next. But I guess if you have an editor and a book coming out, you aren't surprised to hear this. I hope your writing career does well, it seems to be on a solid foundation. Here are a couple of typos I saw:
no matter how good my intentions. River didn't answer. - I noted that some quotation marks were missing after "intentions"
also here: turning to her, his parents were home."
Everyone appeared to racking their brain
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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This was an enticing read. I saw how small the page-scroller on the side of my computer was when I clicked on the story and thought, "Oh man. Well, I'll read long enough to make some suggestions." And here I am at the end. Thank you, this is entertaining and filled with circumstances that make me want to know what happens next. But I guess if you have an editor and a book coming out, you aren't surprised to hear this. I hope your writing career does well, it seems to be on a solid foundation. Here are a couple of typos I saw:
no matter how good my intentions. River didn't answer. - I noted that some quotation marks were missing after "intentions"
also here: turning to her, his parents were home."
Everyone appeared to racking their brain
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much, J. I made the changes.
Comment from c_lucas
The curse is about to end, all are in full agreement. Now comes the hard part; Who will kill Rusty? This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
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reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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The curse is about to end, all are in full agreement. Now comes the hard part; Who will kill Rusty? This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much, Charlie.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, amahra, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where river and jewel argue over her keeping a secret from him, kayla's friends razz her about her new boyfriend and the spell is discussed and the victim is chosen. I spotted one error--very last sentence. they gazed at matt instead of gazzed at matt
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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this is an excellent write, amahra, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where river and jewel argue over her keeping a secret from him, kayla's friends razz her about her new boyfriend and the spell is discussed and the victim is chosen. I spotted one error--very last sentence. they gazed at matt instead of gazzed at matt
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thank you, I've made the correction. Thank you for stopping by.
