Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Under Attack"A thriller set in Washington
8 total reviews
Comment from TOMORAL
Oh, you do love those cliff hangers. Just as the story was getting interesting, you close it off. But, all the same, this is a GREAT book. As I said, I don't normally read these kinds of books, but you've got me hooked. This is the best chapter yet. Bring in on!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Oh, you do love those cliff hangers. Just as the story was getting interesting, you close it off. But, all the same, this is a GREAT book. As I said, I don't normally read these kinds of books, but you've got me hooked. This is the best chapter yet. Bring in on!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Tomoral, you make me feel so good. I really don't know what to say other than THANK YOU.
I read your review to my wife and she asked, "Are you sure that's not your mother writing under an assumed name?"
Comment from JanetRussek
I love the way you end each chapter with suspense. As I re-edit my stuff I'm going to see what I can do about that. See - I'm learning from you.
I adore Calin and Jess. I hope Calin is handsome; in a rougish sort of way.
I enjoyed this chapter.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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I love the way you end each chapter with suspense. As I re-edit my stuff I'm going to see what I can do about that. See - I'm learning from you.
I adore Calin and Jess. I hope Calin is handsome; in a rougish sort of way.
I enjoyed this chapter.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Janet, you make me feel like a real writer. I really don't know what to say other than THANK YOU.
I hope the story continues to live up to your expectations,
Regards Bob
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You ARE a real writer. Well, is Calin handsome? Come one, throw me a cookie.
Warm Regards,
Janet
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Surely as a writer you go for the mind rather than superficial appearance.
In reality he is whatever you envision.
Allow me to tell you where the name came from. When I start a novel I generally make up some name as a working title. On this occasion I basically reversed my own name, Robert Cullen and then it just grew on me. So it stayed as Calin Roberts
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You are so clever.
But, hey, I like some eye candy once in awhile. Throw an old dog a bone.
Warm Regards, friend
Janet
Comment from Jay Squires
This is becoming quite a story, Bob. I'm really getting into it.
A few things to consider:
You can't shoot what you can't see. [What follows the strange voice from nowhere ISN'T the reaction I'd have expected: He took the introspective time to admit his mistake to himself, think over Jess's question on his military past, and how his military training didn't help him now. Perhaps if you said all these thoughts flashed through his mind in seconds. Somehow it needs to be resolved.]
"Alex Bryant was your father?" It was a statement, not a question [then why the question mark?]
"Alex Bryant was your father?" [You need a tag here. I think I figured out that he said it, but I wasn't entirely sure.]
He singled his intent to Jess. [He SIGNALED ? his intent...]
She watched him slip away. [Who watched him? Alexis or Jess? Okay, a few sentences down it says: Why not use her name in the first sentence and "she" here?]
calling for help but decided against.[decided against IT?]
Jess hadn't witnessed anger like this since her schooldays. [You should start a new paragraph for this.]
Good chapter. Great tension, detailed description of Jess's overthrow of Alexis.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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This is becoming quite a story, Bob. I'm really getting into it.
A few things to consider:
You can't shoot what you can't see. [What follows the strange voice from nowhere ISN'T the reaction I'd have expected: He took the introspective time to admit his mistake to himself, think over Jess's question on his military past, and how his military training didn't help him now. Perhaps if you said all these thoughts flashed through his mind in seconds. Somehow it needs to be resolved.]
"Alex Bryant was your father?" It was a statement, not a question [then why the question mark?]
"Alex Bryant was your father?" [You need a tag here. I think I figured out that he said it, but I wasn't entirely sure.]
He singled his intent to Jess. [He SIGNALED ? his intent...]
She watched him slip away. [Who watched him? Alexis or Jess? Okay, a few sentences down it says:
calling for help but decided against.[decided against IT?]
Jess hadn't witnessed anger like this since her schooldays. [You should start a new paragraph for this.]
Good chapter. Great tension, detailed description of Jess's overthrow of Alexis.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Once again I thank you for the quality and detail of your reply. I'm at work at the moment so the changes will have to wait until tomorrow.
Your attention to detail is superb, you would make a great editor. sincerely, I can't thank you enough
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But, I don't wanna be a great editor! LOL,it would cut into my reviewing time on FanStory.
Comment from c_lucas
Amnesia can play tricks, but the mind will remember what it could, could not do. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Amnesia can play tricks, but the mind will remember what it could, could not do. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Thank you Charlie. Coming from a writer of your quality, I really appreciate the comment
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You're welcome, Bob
Comment from JackiO
Captivating and intriguing!
An enjoyable read.
It kept me captivated and so
I did not pay much attention for
any faults.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Captivating and intriguing!
An enjoyable read.
It kept me captivated and so
I did not pay much attention for
any faults.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Thank you JackiO.
Every writer needs encouragement to persevere and comments like yours provide that. Again I thank you
Comment from royowen
Maintaining it's tension and building, the plots getting thicker and thicker, and creating lots of loose ends providing fodder for future episodes, I wonder who Alex's father is, the dead man, although Callin AKA Tyler? Great writing Bob, excellent follow up episode, good stuff, blessings,Roy,
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Maintaining it's tension and building, the plots getting thicker and thicker, and creating lots of loose ends providing fodder for future episodes, I wonder who Alex's father is, the dead man, although Callin AKA Tyler? Great writing Bob, excellent follow up episode, good stuff, blessings,Roy,
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Roy, every time I read a review from you, I feel I have accomplished something worthwhile. For that you have my eternal thanks
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Most welcome, Bob, keep them coming, Roy.
Comment from racheal dubois
i was captivated and i,am not one for war stories of any kind but,i,am a magnet to a good mystery and your story seems to have it all,i look forward to reading the novel, i,m assuming this was just a small taste of an entire novel.i would very much enjoy reading this story from beginning to end. i look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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i was captivated and i,am not one for war stories of any kind but,i,am a magnet to a good mystery and your story seems to have it all,i look forward to reading the novel, i,m assuming this was just a small taste of an entire novel.i would very much enjoy reading this story from beginning to end. i look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Welcome to fanstory, I see you've just joined.
And thank you for reading my work. Yes this is an extract from a completed but as yet unpublished novel. The preceding chapters are available here.
I hope you read more and find them to be of an acceptable standard.
Thank you again and enjoy your time on Fanstory
Comment from djsaxon
Hey, Bob. I am at somewhat of a disadvantage because I have not read the earlier chapters, but this works. The dialogue is strong and moves the story along throughout the write. We also get glimpses of the characters' back story in the narrative which fleshes them out nicely.
'Jess led the way,(.T) the flow of the river...' I think this line needs to be split. There are other instances in the write that arguably need to be revisited in terms of punctuation, but ultimately the staccato grabs work as a stylistic device.
'larval eruption' - lava flow
'when he came too (to) in the...'
cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Hey, Bob. I am at somewhat of a disadvantage because I have not read the earlier chapters, but this works. The dialogue is strong and moves the story along throughout the write. We also get glimpses of the characters' back story in the narrative which fleshes them out nicely.
'Jess led the way,(.T) the flow of the river...' I think this line needs to be split. There are other instances in the write that arguably need to be revisited in terms of punctuation, but ultimately the staccato grabs work as a stylistic device.
'larval eruption' - lava flow
'when he came too (to) in the...'
cheers - DJ
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Thank you DJ. I've made those changes and I thank you for such a positive feedback.
Review from writers of your standard are greatly appreciated. And your writing shows you are a quality writer.
