Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Abonalare"A thriller set in Washington
2 total reviews
Comment from mmjg65
Okay. I really enjoyed this. Very nice, precise writing. You say what you mean and no fripperies about it. It is reminiscent of the way a man like Calin would think. Good development, wee rounded characters. Good narrative flow.
There were three places in the story where I said "huh?" Feel free to disagree, of course, this is just how these things instantly tossed ME out of the story.
The first was Calin's thinking "life was a bitch." This thought, particularly given the context in which this expression is mostly used, seemed superficial and unnecessary to a man of Calin's experience and ability as he is hiding out in the trunk of a moving vehicle.
The second thought was "The man was a bike enthusiast".
Here, this sentence not only seemed irrelevant, but seemed to be an argument to NOT take the bike. A man so enthusiastic about his beloved bike would in all likelihood be far less inclined to be charitable to anyone who stole that bike for ANY reason, thus making it a poor choice for Calin to take.
Finally, it seemed odd that Jess would be the one to notice the cameras at the house, when Calin did not, even after he had carefully scoped it out. A man in Calin's business would not long survive with such sloppy surveillance skills. There having been no cameras there previously feels too thin an excuse to cover such a bad lapse in judgment on Calin's part.
Anyway, those are me thinks. Good read! Keep on writing!
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2014
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Okay. I really enjoyed this. Very nice, precise writing. You say what you mean and no fripperies about it. It is reminiscent of the way a man like Calin would think. Good development, wee rounded characters. Good narrative flow.
There were three places in the story where I said "huh?" Feel free to disagree, of course, this is just how these things instantly tossed ME out of the story.
The first was Calin's thinking "life was a bitch." This thought, particularly given the context in which this expression is mostly used, seemed superficial and unnecessary to a man of Calin's experience and ability as he is hiding out in the trunk of a moving vehicle.
The second thought was "The man was a bike enthusiast".
Here, this sentence not only seemed irrelevant, but seemed to be an argument to NOT take the bike. A man so enthusiastic about his beloved bike would in all likelihood be far less inclined to be charitable to anyone who stole that bike for ANY reason, thus making it a poor choice for Calin to take.
Finally, it seemed odd that Jess would be the one to notice the cameras at the house, when Calin did not, even after he had carefully scoped it out. A man in Calin's business would not long survive with such sloppy surveillance skills. There having been no cameras there previously feels too thin an excuse to cover such a bad lapse in judgment on Calin's part.
Anyway, those are me thinks. Good read! Keep on writing!
Comment Written 08-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2014
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How very perceptive. I see your point, these three examples are certainly out of character and I thank you for it.
I will make the changes you suggest.
Reviews like this are most helpful and boost the story's credibility.
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You are welcome. I'm still getting used to the review process and I'm very happy that my suggestions made sense to you. I believe this is what reviews are for.
Comment from adewpearl
You get inside Calin's inner thoughts effectively
Good use of short sentences, the way I would imagine a person would formulate his own thoughts when in this kind of situation
good use of questions to emphasize his worry and uncertainty
you create an atmosphere of danger well
Brooke
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2014
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You get inside Calin's inner thoughts effectively
Good use of short sentences, the way I would imagine a person would formulate his own thoughts when in this kind of situation
good use of questions to emphasize his worry and uncertainty
you create an atmosphere of danger well
Brooke
Comment Written 08-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2014
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Thank you Brooke. Your review is much appreciated.
