Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Trapped"A thriller set in Washington
5 total reviews
Comment from JanetRussek
Ran out of 6 stars, I guess. But, you know you deserve the highest scores. Looking forward to the next chapter. Each one seems to more exciting.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2014
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Ran out of 6 stars, I guess. But, you know you deserve the highest scores. Looking forward to the next chapter. Each one seems to more exciting.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 07-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2014
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Thank you again, Janet.
There will be another posting tomorrow. This past week has been hell. Have worked long hours every day. Fortunately I now have three days off
Comment from Jay Squires
This is the second of your chapters I've read. I read the one which ended with him in the barn with no memory and the Homeland Security, or FBI were in pursuit. You've a strong story line, good characters, a well-balanced narrative/dialogue.
I made a few suggestions and have some concerns. Still a solid 5 star rating.
Then wined and dined [kind of hackneyed.]
Jess observed but saw nothing, [Just a note, not a nit: Isn't observing more a process of awareness than seeing?]
she'd read of the hundred dollars notes [hundred DOLLAR notes >> Also, I notice you call them hundred dollar notes throughout. In America they would be called hundred dollar BILLS. If your narrator is British, that's fine, but for the sake of authenticity, I'd have dialogue in America referring to them as BILLS, not NOTES.]
his team, co-ordinated a comprehensive [I don't know whether co-ordinated is hyphenated in Britain, but it reads COORDINATED here.]
In her mind Jess pictured a punch [She's the only female in the trunk. I'd use "SHE"]
weapon available; the tyre lever in the inadequate [If she's not British, she'd call it a tire IRON, though I must say LEVER is more descriptive.]
I like this chapter, Bob. You've developed a strong protagonist in Calin.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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This is the second of your chapters I've read. I read the one which ended with him in the barn with no memory and the Homeland Security, or FBI were in pursuit. You've a strong story line, good characters, a well-balanced narrative/dialogue.
I made a few suggestions and have some concerns. Still a solid 5 star rating.
Then wined and dined [kind of hackneyed.]
Jess observed but saw nothing, [Just a note, not a nit: Isn't observing more a process of awareness than seeing?]
she'd read of the hundred dollars notes [hundred DOLLAR notes >> Also, I notice you call them hundred dollar notes throughout. In America they would be called hundred dollar BILLS. If your narrator is British, that's fine, but for the sake of authenticity, I'd have dialogue in America referring to them as BILLS, not NOTES.]
his team, co-ordinated a comprehensive [I don't know whether co-ordinated is hyphenated in Britain, but it reads COORDINATED here.]
In her mind Jess pictured a punch [She's the only female in the trunk. I'd use "SHE"]
weapon available; the tyre lever in the inadequate [If she's not British, she'd call it a tire IRON, though I must say LEVER is more descriptive.]
I like this chapter, Bob. You've developed a strong protagonist in Calin.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Thank you again Jay. This is precisely the type of reviewing I need. As an Aussie I'm not up with American terminology. I'll make the changes you recommend tonight.
I really value your input
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My pleasure, Bob. I'm gonna follow you, friend. I think I can learn from your style.
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I'm not so sure about learning from me. More likely I'll mislead you.
A small confession. Two weeks ago I decided to stop writing. I'd just received Agent's rejection number 25. That was enough for me. But the response Calin has attracted on fanstory has prompted a change of plan. And you, Jay are one of the major contributors to my new enthusiasm.
My friend, I owe you one massive thank you
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That's what we're here for, to help each other. Please, don't ever give up. You have so much to offer readers. I tried to pull up your chapter today, but you apparently recalled it temporarily. Right?
Comment from TOMORAL
Way to go. Page turner for sure. Can't wait for the next chapter. Your writing leaves the reader breathless, waiting for the next sentence. This is an awesome book. Blessings...
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Way to go. Page turner for sure. Can't wait for the next chapter. Your writing leaves the reader breathless, waiting for the next sentence. This is an awesome book. Blessings...
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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After so many rejections from literary agents responses like yours reignite my passion. I can't thank you enough
Comment from royowen
This remains very tense, very exciting, it's definitely a Bourne type adventure! The progression of passage is great, you've managed to keep the graphic violence or activity to a minimum without losing the excitement of the moment! It takes skill to resort away from garish horror. Well done, I'm enjoying it immensely! Well done, Bob, blessings, Roy. A typo on "save your breathe Callin" breath I think.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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This remains very tense, very exciting, it's definitely a Bourne type adventure! The progression of passage is great, you've managed to keep the graphic violence or activity to a minimum without losing the excitement of the moment! It takes skill to resort away from garish horror. Well done, I'm enjoying it immensely! Well done, Bob, blessings, Roy. A typo on "save your breathe Callin" breath I think.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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To be compared to Bourne is a supreme compliment, I thank you for that.
I will correct that typo now.
Hope the story continues to hold your interest
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I'm sure it will. Bob.
Comment from beside still waters
Wow. You do pretty good with captivating the reader here. This is the first chapter I've read and it still makes sense and is interesting enough for me to want to go back and read the beginning. You smoothly wove in some background details when you talked about the receptionist so the story made sense. :)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Wow. You do pretty good with captivating the reader here. This is the first chapter I've read and it still makes sense and is interesting enough for me to want to go back and read the beginning. You smoothly wove in some background details when you talked about the receptionist so the story made sense. :)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Thank you for reviewing and then offering praise. I really appreciate your words of encouragement
