Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Calin & Jess"A thriller set in Washington
4 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Fascinating plot progression. I like the powerful description of Jess's emotional state. You do a good job with the tension between the characters.
His willingness to listen impressed Jess. It conveyed compassion, a stark contrast to his action in dealing with the rapist. [This needs to be in a separate paragraph since you are switching POVs to Jess. And following this, you go back to Calin's dialogue.]
"How do you know all this stuff? [Paragraph spacing error.[
He could see her anger mounting. [Suggest a new paragraph for this, with his dialogue in that same paragraph]
Her plea struck a chord. It was part three [As above, this narrative belongs in the next paragraph, which has his dialogue. Also It makes her short plea has more power by itself.]
He resumed his position [Same as above. These are suggestions, by the way, to accept or reject. The reason I feel it's so important, though, is because you have multiple points of view, his and hers. It weakens the impact level if one character's thoughts are in the same paragraph as the other person's dialogue. But in the interest of time (and space) I won't point this out again.]
Calin heard the door open and smiled at her cursing. [Up to this point she hasn't cursed.]
"Just explain the situation as you explained it to me. [This seemed too easy to me. I had to check back for the reason he said he pulled her over. "Warrants" in the US means something different, I believe than in Britain. I think cops here would say "There are outstanding tickets on this vehicle." I thought he was telling her it was a stolen car.
heard the motor bike speed away.[the motor CYCLE speed away.]
I read this out of order. It's an exceptional chapter. Yes, I like the direction of this novel.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2014
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Fascinating plot progression. I like the powerful description of Jess's emotional state. You do a good job with the tension between the characters.
His willingness to listen impressed Jess. It conveyed compassion, a stark contrast to his action in dealing with the rapist. [This needs to be in a separate paragraph since you are switching POVs to Jess. And following this, you go back to Calin's dialogue.]
"How do you know all this stuff? [Paragraph spacing error.[
He could see her anger mounting. [Suggest a new paragraph for this, with his dialogue in that same paragraph]
Her plea struck a chord. It was part three [As above, this narrative belongs in the next paragraph, which has his dialogue. Also It makes her short plea has more power by itself.]
He resumed his position [Same as above. These are suggestions, by the way, to accept or reject. The reason I feel it's so important, though, is because you have multiple points of view, his and hers. It weakens the impact level if one character's thoughts are in the same paragraph as the other person's dialogue. But in the interest of time (and space) I won't point this out again.]
Calin heard the door open and smiled at her cursing. [Up to this point she hasn't cursed.]
"Just explain the situation as you explained it to me. [This seemed too easy to me. I had to check back for the reason he said he pulled her over. "Warrants" in the US means something different, I believe than in Britain. I think cops here would say "There are outstanding tickets on this vehicle." I thought he was telling her it was a stolen car.
heard the motor bike speed away.[the motor CYCLE speed away.]
I read this out of order. It's an exceptional chapter. Yes, I like the direction of this novel.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2014
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Just got in from work. You have done exceptional work again. I must confess I often have POV problems. I will tend to this also.
If I get published I'll have to give you an editorial credit.
Thanks again,
Bob
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I've just completed the changes you suggested. With regard to the POV, I rewrote that section from Calin's perspective
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I think that's a great decision, Bob! I'm sure it strengthened the storyline and the overall emotionality, particularly for Jess.
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I'm thrilled to help, Bob.
Comment from JanetRussek
I LOVE the way this story keeps building. Impossible not to read on. Situations pop up; situations resolved. Gotta keep reading for the answers; what? Why? How? Oh, okay, that was close. More, please.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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I LOVE the way this story keeps building. Impossible not to read on. Situations pop up; situations resolved. Gotta keep reading for the answers; what? Why? How? Oh, okay, that was close. More, please.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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I'll post another chapter tomorrow. You really are most generous with your stars, but I'm not complaining.
Thank you again Janet
Comment from TOMORAL
Wow. Very good writing. However, I don't get why the police let her go, even though she had the papers to the car. They couldn't have been in her name. The car was reported stolen. Maybe I'm missing something. Another action packed suspenseful chapter, though, and I look forward to reading the next one.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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Wow. Very good writing. However, I don't get why the police let her go, even though she had the papers to the car. They couldn't have been in her name. The car was reported stolen. Maybe I'm missing something. Another action packed suspenseful chapter, though, and I look forward to reading the next one.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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I fear I've mislead you, it wasn't reported stolen, the owner was killed and in no condition to list it missing.
Thank you again for reading and I promise the next chapter will be shorter, there was just no where else to end this excerpt
Comment from royowen
I enjoyed this well penned episode Bob, the adventure and mystery attached to this work, now with two anxiety ridden heroes ensconced in the story! This is written extremely well, it is an adventure, a hysterical rapee and "I don't know where I am person" is fascinating. Well done, Bob.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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I enjoyed this well penned episode Bob, the adventure and mystery attached to this work, now with two anxiety ridden heroes ensconced in the story! This is written extremely well, it is an adventure, a hysterical rapee and "I don't know where I am person" is fascinating. Well done, Bob.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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Love your description of the two characters. Again I thank you for taking the time to read. Hope you are enjoying it
