Mind games
The battle of one who has lost his mind.24 total reviews
Comment from Acquired Taste
You must definitely go forward with this - either novella or continuation of short stories. Mike Battalgia - on this site - has a series called Danforth that is stunningly good about a mental hospital.
Best line in the story (for me) is: I whispered her a dream.... Bloody well said. Writing like this is not easy, but you do it beautifully and it flows without any bumps. Well penned! AT=/
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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You must definitely go forward with this - either novella or continuation of short stories. Mike Battalgia - on this site - has a series called Danforth that is stunningly good about a mental hospital.
Best line in the story (for me) is: I whispered her a dream.... Bloody well said. Writing like this is not easy, but you do it beautifully and it flows without any bumps. Well penned! AT=/
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Thank you once more AT for this inspiring review. I will certainly read Mike Battalgia's work and I appreciate the suggestion. I do feel as if I could write a complete novel with this piece and will definitely start the wheels turning. There are a few people in here whose feedback I treasure and you are certainly one of them. God bless!
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Mind games is right. This is a very good story about an insane person who thinks he is smarter than the Nurses and Doctors. Maybe he is. You leave us up in the air as to what happens. I saw nothing that needed correcting. Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Mind games is right. This is a very good story about an insane person who thinks he is smarter than the Nurses and Doctors. Maybe he is. You leave us up in the air as to what happens. I saw nothing that needed correcting. Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Thank you Nancy for this most inspiring review. I seem to be getting a little better at this editing thing LOL! God bless!
Comment from Jean Lutz
Powerful! Heartbreaking! Physical pain draws sympathy, but mental agony is often met with avoidance and even scorn. I wish you well in the contest. May your words raise awareness of those locked away either in institutions are behind walls they have built.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Powerful! Heartbreaking! Physical pain draws sympathy, but mental agony is often met with avoidance and even scorn. I wish you well in the contest. May your words raise awareness of those locked away either in institutions are behind walls they have built.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Thank you Jean for another inspiring review. You are definitely one of my favorite reviewers. You are always honest and upfront with your feedback, this comforts me. I am new to this and wish to grow daily (which I have) and crave the corrections when they come. God bless and always be you.
Comment from jseanmac07
Very well written and enjoyable. Really brings in the dread of isolation. I'll think of you story every time I eat a chocolate bar.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Very well written and enjoyable. Really brings in the dread of isolation. I'll think of you story every time I eat a chocolate bar.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Thank you Jseanmac for the awesome review and generous stars. God bless!
Comment from Michaelk
This story reminds me of a Gollum type person locked up in an asylum. The paranoia and jealousy really come across. Your story has a wonderfully creepy atmosphere and the descriptions compliment it perfectly. You've set your tension level high at the start of this story and never let up. The ending is anticipation at it's best. the reader has a good idea what's going to happen but is never told for sure. Excellent story.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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This story reminds me of a Gollum type person locked up in an asylum. The paranoia and jealousy really come across. Your story has a wonderfully creepy atmosphere and the descriptions compliment it perfectly. You've set your tension level high at the start of this story and never let up. The ending is anticipation at it's best. the reader has a good idea what's going to happen but is never told for sure. Excellent story.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Thank you Michaelk for the another inspiring review. I am very new to the short story scene and only hope my editing passes the test. God bless!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Bravo! Superb entry... looks like a winner to me.
I found one small spelling error. DEEMED is spelled with two E's, no A. It occurs twice in the post, so you'll want to fix both.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Bravo! Superb entry... looks like a winner to me.
I found one small spelling error. DEEMED is spelled with two E's, no A. It occurs twice in the post, so you'll want to fix both.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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LOL! Thank you Phyllis, you know I listened to another review that said it needed to be changed to an A. I will not second guess myself next time. Thank you so much for this most inspiring review. God bless!
Comment from mikemagine
I'd give you a six...! Great stuff, Neonewman. This could easily be expanded into a thick, juicy thriller or horror novel. No problem! Just assemble a small part of the skeleton and you'll see...:-)
Bravo!
Mike
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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I'd give you a six...! Great stuff, Neonewman. This could easily be expanded into a thick, juicy thriller or horror novel. No problem! Just assemble a small part of the skeleton and you'll see...:-)
Bravo!
Mike
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you Mike for another inspiring review. I always enjoy your responses. God bless! Yes, maybe i will turn this into a novel.
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Evening, my friend. You and Dean Kuch never cease to amaze me!
Abundant peace and joy!
Mike
Comment from amahra
I know you can't have author notes, so I'm assuming that this person is insane. It's interesting, looking into the mind of someone mentally troubled. You did a great job.
One night ]as] Sally slept, I whispered her a dream.
Her eyes would penetrate your soul[;] I removed them from their sockets, [and] I ingested them.
"Your eyes grow heavy[.]"
They peer in judgment as if thinking they're better than [me]I.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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I know you can't have author notes, so I'm assuming that this person is insane. It's interesting, looking into the mind of someone mentally troubled. You did a great job.
One night ]as] Sally slept, I whispered her a dream.
Her eyes would penetrate your soul[;] I removed them from their sockets, [and] I ingested them.
"Your eyes grow heavy[.]"
They peer in judgment as if thinking they're better than [me]I.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you Amahra for the awesome and helpful review, I have made the corrections. This is the feedback I am looking for. God bless!
Comment from PatVallesMangan
The author has well served the contest rules. Writing succinctly is a talent and this author has it. The descriptions of this is well done. Having worked in similar places, I give points to the reality of what it is like. Fiction meets reality in this well done piece! Well done! Blessings! ~ pat
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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The author has well served the contest rules. Writing succinctly is a talent and this author has it. The descriptions of this is well done. Having worked in similar places, I give points to the reality of what it is like. Fiction meets reality in this well done piece! Well done! Blessings! ~ pat
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you Pat for another awesome review. God bless!
Comment from Jay Squires
This is so evocative a piece, I tried to be more lenient in my reviewing of the structural part of it.
You do have a lot of run-on sentences, but I felt to stress that overly would take away from the "content" of your story. I pointed out the first instance of the run-on, but didn't look for others.
I've been in this room for more than three years, I really don't play well with others, so they keep me isolated, they say I am lost. [You have two run on sentences here. You need punctuation other than a comma after "years" and after "isolated".
I enjoy a good torture of ones mind. [torture of ONE'S mind.]
He came to peek inside my mind, but his mind I did creep. [Tell me you meant "IN his mind I did creep."
is not deamed to house the soul forever [not DEEMED to house...]
certainly leaves one to believe their is someone who thinks [...THERE is someone ...]
Excellent, entertaining, should be a biggie in the contest.
I did deduct a star for the SPAG, but will return it as soon as you let me know the corrections have been made.
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LOL and a hearty hahahaha... I told you I deducted a star, then forgot and gave you five anyway. I did that once before and the writer thought that meant I would have given him a 6 if there weren't SPAGs. Ooops! Anyway, friend, you've made the changes and it reads much better, especially with the fixes on the run-on sentences.
Good luck with your writing
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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This is so evocative a piece, I tried to be more lenient in my reviewing of the structural part of it.
You do have a lot of run-on sentences, but I felt to stress that overly would take away from the "content" of your story. I pointed out the first instance of the run-on, but didn't look for others.
I've been in this room for more than three years, I really don't play well with others, so they keep me isolated, they say I am lost. [You have two run on sentences here. You need punctuation other than a comma after "years" and after "isolated".
I enjoy a good torture of ones mind. [torture of ONE'S mind.]
He came to peek inside my mind, but his mind I did creep. [Tell me you meant "IN his mind I did creep."
is not deamed to house the soul forever [not DEEMED to house...]
certainly leaves one to believe their is someone who thinks [...THERE is someone ...]
Excellent, entertaining, should be a biggie in the contest.
I did deduct a star for the SPAG, but will return it as soon as you let me know the corrections have been made.
************************************************************
LOL and a hearty hahahaha... I told you I deducted a star, then forgot and gave you five anyway. I did that once before and the writer thought that meant I would have given him a 6 if there weren't SPAGs. Ooops! Anyway, friend, you've made the changes and it reads much better, especially with the fixes on the run-on sentences.
Good luck with your writing
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Jay Squires, you are my hero. I look for just this type of review to help me improve my editing process. I have now made the changes and please read again. I wish to become a professional and this is the feedback I need. You are inspiring my friend. God bless!
