One Too Many
A drunken mouse learns a lesson27 total reviews
Comment from ravim
Beautiful. Like a nursery rhyme, it had the essence of fun and simplicity, and of course a cheeseful of imagination. The rhymes were good and sensitive to touch!
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Beautiful. Like a nursery rhyme, it had the essence of fun and simplicity, and of course a cheeseful of imagination. The rhymes were good and sensitive to touch!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
Comment from joeruptak
It has been ages since I enjoyed the read as much as this one, the first few lines I was smiling after a few more lines there was a chuckle or two, after that all hell broke loose and I was laughing out loud, it will be a while before I get the picture of that little drunken mouse out of my head. I want to thank you so much for the enjoyment I received from your writing and every time I have a drink or eat a piece of cheese I will smile I will remember thank you
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It has been ages since I enjoyed the read as much as this one, the first few lines I was smiling after a few more lines there was a chuckle or two, after that all hell broke loose and I was laughing out loud, it will be a while before I get the picture of that little drunken mouse out of my head. I want to thank you so much for the enjoyment I received from your writing and every time I have a drink or eat a piece of cheese I will smile I will remember thank you
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
Comment from dennis0530
This is a fun write - I could have said for children. But with drinks galore, then both adults and children (with parental guidance).
In the real world, there are many Shermans and Sheebas who party as a couple enjoying their drinks and don't realize their limit.
Whether they can hold their liquor or not, they have high expectations for Saturday night.
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This is a fun write - I could have said for children. But with drinks galore, then both adults and children (with parental guidance).
In the real world, there are many Shermans and Sheebas who party as a couple enjoying their drinks and don't realize their limit.
Whether they can hold their liquor or not, they have high expectations for Saturday night.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
Comment from Glasstruth
LOL. Drunk mice and Swiss cheese. I think in my reincarnation I'd like to come back as a mouse, of course living in a rich house. You wrote this with elegance and the rhyming couldn't be better. Wonderfully crafted. Les
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LOL. Drunk mice and Swiss cheese. I think in my reincarnation I'd like to come back as a mouse, of course living in a rich house. You wrote this with elegance and the rhyming couldn't be better. Wonderfully crafted. Les
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
Comment from mfowler
The laughs flow like 'Pinot to Blanc'. A great idea and a well executed romp around a bad restaurant with mouse cuisene aplenty. It's a cute load of laughs aided by generally good versework and solid rhythm.
One suggestion: Since you employ an 'abcb' styled rhyme pattern throughout, I found one verse clashed aurally:
Sherman would wait for Al's" Friday Delight"
and bring it to Sheeba on ice.
Margaritas happened to be her sweet vice
and the sips from the glass tasted nice. .. there's a abbb scheme operating and it's out of sync with the rest of the piece. Perhaps a new word for 'vice'.
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The laughs flow like 'Pinot to Blanc'. A great idea and a well executed romp around a bad restaurant with mouse cuisene aplenty. It's a cute load of laughs aided by generally good versework and solid rhythm.
One suggestion: Since you employ an 'abcb' styled rhyme pattern throughout, I found one verse clashed aurally:
Sherman would wait for Al's" Friday Delight"
and bring it to Sheeba on ice.
Margaritas happened to be her sweet vice
and the sips from the glass tasted nice. .. there's a abbb scheme operating and it's out of sync with the rest of the piece. Perhaps a new word for 'vice'.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
Comment from lastinger
It pulled me in as I wanted to know where it would lead and yes it put a smile upon my face.. I could picture the little mice so my head. I like it when I get a visual without trying.. Thank you
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It pulled me in as I wanted to know where it would lead and yes it put a smile upon my face.. I could picture the little mice so my head. I like it when I get a visual without trying.. Thank you
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
Comment from Domino 2
Sounds like a great cheese and wine party - and all free, too. :-)
With respect, I found much of the read, jumpy, due to inconsistent meter, but one of my fave lines, that's metered perfectly is:
'So skipping and tripping from Pinot to Blanc' - Brilliant!
Lots of other top lines, too, in this great fun write.
LOL at Anna Belinda's drama Queen reaction.
I bet the 'chocolate milk' resolution doesn't last long - especially if it's not on Al's menu. :-)
Thanks for the smiles.
Best wishes, Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Sounds like a great cheese and wine party - and all free, too. :-)
With respect, I found much of the read, jumpy, due to inconsistent meter, but one of my fave lines, that's metered perfectly is:
'So skipping and tripping from Pinot to Blanc' - Brilliant!
Lots of other top lines, too, in this great fun write.
LOL at Anna Belinda's drama Queen reaction.
I bet the 'chocolate milk' resolution doesn't last long - especially if it's not on Al's menu. :-)
Thanks for the smiles.
Best wishes, Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
