Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Who Am I"A thriller set in Washington
7 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Your opening grabs the reader's attention as we too wonder who this guy who is asking all the questions is and why he's next to a dead body.
Lots of excitement with that full-out assault and barrage of bullets and collapsing walls... His sense of confusion and his determination not to die add to the drama effectively.
Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Your opening grabs the reader's attention as we too wonder who this guy who is asking all the questions is and why he's next to a dead body.
Lots of excitement with that full-out assault and barrage of bullets and collapsing walls... His sense of confusion and his determination not to die add to the drama effectively.
Brooke
Comment Written 31-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you again. I'm delighted that my writing attracted such an encouraging review.
Comment from Jay Squires
An inventive, well executed adventure chapter, Rob. The pace was good, plenty of suspense -- just a very effective chapter.
A few concerns:
One option remained; the rear window [Paragraph spacing error.]
The open design, it was just four walls and a roof offered no concealment. [Sentence needs something: [After "design" you need something to prevent it being a run-on sentence. Either a colon after "design" or a two dash separation (requiring one also after "roof" (your best option)
He didn't know the victim nor could he pinpoint the location. [a comma or semicolon after "victim".]
Good job, Rob.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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An inventive, well executed adventure chapter, Rob. The pace was good, plenty of suspense -- just a very effective chapter.
A few concerns:
One option remained; the rear window [Paragraph spacing error.]
The open design, it was just four walls and a roof offered no concealment. [Sentence needs something: [After "design" you need something to prevent it being a run-on sentence. Either a colon after "design" or a two dash separation (requiring one also after "roof" (your best option)
He didn't know the victim nor could he pinpoint the location. [a comma or semicolon after "victim".]
Good job, Rob.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Thank you Jay for highlighting those errors. They have now been corrected.
That's what I love about Fanstory, it provides fantastic editing at a price I can afford.
I really value this help
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My pleasure.
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes one feels unwanted. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. you have posted an intriguing post.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Sometimes one feels unwanted. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. you have posted an intriguing post.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Thank you Mr. Lucas. Coming from you, one of the better writers on Fanstory, I accept your comment with gratitude
Comment from Silence_is_golden233
I must say that I'm not usually a fan of spy stories but this one is very good. You went at just the right pace, but not so fast that people would have to re-read it to understand. The sense of confusion and loss of identity really bring it home that without our identity we can become paranoid. Though it feels like spies are generally paranoid as a habit due to their work. Very well done and I hope someone publishes it for you :)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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I must say that I'm not usually a fan of spy stories but this one is very good. You went at just the right pace, but not so fast that people would have to re-read it to understand. The sense of confusion and loss of identity really bring it home that without our identity we can become paranoid. Though it feels like spies are generally paranoid as a habit due to their work. Very well done and I hope someone publishes it for you :)
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Thank you for such a flattering comment, it is much appreciated as is your wish for success in finding a publisher.
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Whereabouts in Australia, I'm 40 miles south of Sydney
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I'm in Sydney itself :)
Comment from Acquired Taste
I never read your first chapter but I am thoroughly enjoying this one. A particular phrase: The sound of gunfire quelled all thought of surrender - is terrific and immediately transports the reader to his place of panic.
I look forward to reading the balance. Ever so slightly this particular scene reminded me of an old movie called Memento - not dead-on, but had some similarities.
Am looking forward to reading more. AT=/
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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I never read your first chapter but I am thoroughly enjoying this one. A particular phrase: The sound of gunfire quelled all thought of surrender - is terrific and immediately transports the reader to his place of panic.
I look forward to reading the balance. Ever so slightly this particular scene reminded me of an old movie called Memento - not dead-on, but had some similarities.
Am looking forward to reading more. AT=/
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Someone else mentioned this movie, I've not seen it. Thank you for your kind comments, wish you were an agent.
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Oh, I know many agents - they have my query letters and manuscripts lining their cat boxes! My wishes for good luck - it is a sometimes exceedingly difficult road. Jean
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Thank God for e-mails, otherwise postage would have bankrupted me.
I wish you success also
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Thanks so much! Jean
Comment from J Patience
This is very intriguing! I think of the movie "Memento," which was awesome because the memory was just not there. And this guy's gun wasn't loaded... hmm... You say the book is finished? Congratulations, and this is a good beginning - it draws the reader to want to know what's going on. There are a few things I noted, though, that distracted me from the flow of the story:
The man with the gun took both - seems to be a different pov?
now impossible marksmen - should be a period after impossible
The open design, it was - seems like a fragmented sentence. Maybe reconstruct something like: Since the barn had an open design, it had just...
Reinforcements were on the way, how many - comma should be a period and "how" capitalized.
Hyphenate: CIA-like Govt. Agency
"up" isn't necessary in weighing options.
Without knowing why he scrambled - should have a comma after "why"
Nice reworking, and I hope the destiny of your book is a gracious one.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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This is very intriguing! I think of the movie "Memento," which was awesome because the memory was just not there. And this guy's gun wasn't loaded... hmm... You say the book is finished? Congratulations, and this is a good beginning - it draws the reader to want to know what's going on. There are a few things I noted, though, that distracted me from the flow of the story:
The man with the gun took both - seems to be a different pov?
now impossible marksmen - should be a period after impossible
The open design, it was - seems like a fragmented sentence. Maybe reconstruct something like: Since the barn had an open design, it had just...
Reinforcements were on the way, how many - comma should be a period and "how" capitalized.
Hyphenate: CIA-like Govt. Agency
"up" isn't necessary in weighing options.
Without knowing why he scrambled - should have a comma after "why"
Nice reworking, and I hope the destiny of your book is a gracious one.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Thank you for such an awesome review. Comments like this help me improve and will make the manuscript more marketable.
Another reviewer mentioned 'Memento' I've not seen it. I will look for it this weekend.
I will make the changes you recommend and again I thank you
Comment from royowen
A great episode, It had a organic tension to this, the tackle is well designed and a well composed story, the lone character was quite believable and and was suffering some sort of amnesia, this is well written and absorbingly readable, I enjoyed it, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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A great episode, It had a organic tension to this, the tackle is well designed and a well composed story, the lone character was quite believable and and was suffering some sort of amnesia, this is well written and absorbingly readable, I enjoyed it, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Thank you again Roy. I hope you continue reading and making comment.
