The Virus
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Dawning"Changing the world's attitudes
23 total reviews
Comment from Eric1
Hi John, Really enjoyed the second part of your amazing story my friend, the dialogue was long but acceptable, my only niggle was that half the chapter was taken up with the wife taking them around the gardens, I couldn't understand why this was, However, I am looking forward to the next episode.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Hi John, Really enjoyed the second part of your amazing story my friend, the dialogue was long but acceptable, my only niggle was that half the chapter was taken up with the wife taking them around the gardens, I couldn't understand why this was, However, I am looking forward to the next episode.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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The scenario was to portray nature and its beauty. I will reread and try to improve it. Thanks for the review and kind words...John
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There was no offence meant John, just my personal POV my friend.
Comment from PatVallesMangan
I truly enjoyed this. In today's world, just one glimpse at the news makes you wonder when/if it will come to this. I like the positivity that is born here in what is to be the new start, perhaps for a whole new world ...one that doesn't have GMO's and does have the beautiful bees in the garden bringing life. This is very well done and quite thought provoking. Congratulations of this creation. Blessings! ~ Pat
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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I truly enjoyed this. In today's world, just one glimpse at the news makes you wonder when/if it will come to this. I like the positivity that is born here in what is to be the new start, perhaps for a whole new world ...one that doesn't have GMO's and does have the beautiful bees in the garden bringing life. This is very well done and quite thought provoking. Congratulations of this creation. Blessings! ~ Pat
Comment Written 31-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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I do have something in mind. It gets deep. I already have the title of the last chapter - Heaven on Earth. Thank you for taking the time for this review, as well as the kind words..John
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It was my pleasure ..looking forward to what you are creating. :) Pat
Comment from onebrit
This is very lovely. I am not sure that in the same situation I would find joy in a garden, as much as I love my garden. I think I would be running around in a near panic trying to find my grown children who lives across the world, and my family who are also scattered. But I like the idea of no panic, and orderliness. Nicely written.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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This is very lovely. I am not sure that in the same situation I would find joy in a garden, as much as I love my garden. I think I would be running around in a near panic trying to find my grown children who lives across the world, and my family who are also scattered. But I like the idea of no panic, and orderliness. Nicely written.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Thank you much for the kind words and review. I hope you will follow...John
Comment from Ookami Taki
There is a lot going on in this chapter, and it could probably be expanded a little bit. I felt the beginning was rushed - the population regaining its sight was accomplished basically in one sentence. The aftermath is heartening, but I'm not sure that I can suspend disbelief about an entire population having a complete change of heart and working together to create a sort of utopia. Maybe I'm a bit jaded, but human nature might not be that noble. If the virus itself (not just the recuperation from it) had something to do with the new mindset, I'd like to see that made clearer. I love the group dynamic that is going on, and the way people are embracing their new roles is a fertile ground for great subplots. I have a feeling this could become quite an epic story.
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reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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There is a lot going on in this chapter, and it could probably be expanded a little bit. I felt the beginning was rushed - the population regaining its sight was accomplished basically in one sentence. The aftermath is heartening, but I'm not sure that I can suspend disbelief about an entire population having a complete change of heart and working together to create a sort of utopia. Maybe I'm a bit jaded, but human nature might not be that noble. If the virus itself (not just the recuperation from it) had something to do with the new mindset, I'd like to see that made clearer. I love the group dynamic that is going on, and the way people are embracing their new roles is a fertile ground for great subplots. I have a feeling this could become quite an epic story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Thank you for your insight. I will improve...John
Comment from Zue65
The subject and theme of your story is definitely something new and have not been explored yet in all the readings that I have made so far. That makes your story exciting and worth looking forward to. I enjoyed the idea of a close kinship between mother earth and humanity. Jesus bless you.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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The subject and theme of your story is definitely something new and have not been explored yet in all the readings that I have made so far. That makes your story exciting and worth looking forward to. I enjoyed the idea of a close kinship between mother earth and humanity. Jesus bless you.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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I appreciate your comments. Thank you...John
Comment from amahra
This was a very original and interesting writing. I just have one suggestion: The dialogue is too long. I would make the dialogue shorter. Example: instead of having the father go on and on. I would have it something like this:
"He is a ham operator and, if he is still there, ask him to follow you on the way back with his equipment. We'll try to raise some other hams and get some news."
"Dad, what if we run into people who still can't see yet?"
"Drive slowly and blow the car horn as you drive. The sound will give them hope. Here's a list of things I need you to do."
His son took the list and quickly glanced over it.
"Okay, Dad."
"Any questions?"
"No. We're on it."
Or something of that nature. But you have to make it sound the way people talk. Interrupting each other, etc.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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This was a very original and interesting writing. I just have one suggestion: The dialogue is too long. I would make the dialogue shorter. Example: instead of having the father go on and on. I would have it something like this:
"He is a ham operator and, if he is still there, ask him to follow you on the way back with his equipment. We'll try to raise some other hams and get some news."
"Dad, what if we run into people who still can't see yet?"
"Drive slowly and blow the car horn as you drive. The sound will give them hope. Here's a list of things I need you to do."
His son took the list and quickly glanced over it.
"Okay, Dad."
"Any questions?"
"No. We're on it."
Or something of that nature. But you have to make it sound the way people talk. Interrupting each other, etc.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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I have a penchant for assuming others will automatically understand the meaning behind my words. I am wrong. Thank you for yanking the reins...John
Comment from c_lucas
Every medicine or its duplicate is created on Mother Earth. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Error
"I use this area is (
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Every medicine or its duplicate is created on Mother Earth. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Error
"I use this area is (
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Thank you. I respect your view...John
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You're welcome, John. Charlie
Comment from gypsymoth
Wouldn't it be great if people reacted to a catasrophy in a calm, organized manner? Wouldn't be great to suddenly see
the beauty of man and nature with innocent eyes? Nice to think about. Well written .
Gypsymoth
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Wouldn't it be great if people reacted to a catasrophy in a calm, organized manner? Wouldn't be great to suddenly see
the beauty of man and nature with innocent eyes? Nice to think about. Well written .
Gypsymoth
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Read on. After this is published, we may start going back to sanity. Thank you for the review...John
Comment from Ben Colder
Inever found any mistakes. One thing is if a bee came near my wife she would go off in orbit and the meal would be over.
The story stayed together and kept the readers interres.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Inever found any mistakes. One thing is if a bee came near my wife she would go off in orbit and the meal would be over.
The story stayed together and kept the readers interres.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Keep following. It gets better...John
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
What a lovely world that would be, and although it would never happen,it's still a lovely thought. Another good chapter to your story, Cogitator, and a great read. :) Sandra.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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What a lovely world that would be, and although it would never happen,it's still a lovely thought. Another good chapter to your story, Cogitator, and a great read. :) Sandra.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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It gets better, I think. Thanks for the kind words...John
