The Virus
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Dawning"Changing the world's attitudes
23 total reviews
Comment from NicciFaye
Excellent! Roy and Betty have been indirectly made the new leaders of this group. A couple of notes or suggestion...in the second para. it reads..."This was followed by hugs "for" the closet person..." Should for state "from"? It reads better.
Next I appreciate the moral lesson behind Mother Earth...it is noted. You mentioned that the bees surrounded Betty, then hundreds surround her. I would (and its only my opinion) describe that part as noting the noise of the bees and the possibility of Betty having to talk to the crowd louder to make it more realistic. The way it reads now if somewhat rushed and missing the real feel of it. Typically, at least in my mind, you can hear the buzzing of one bee, I can only image what hundreds should like. Over all this is an excellent story.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Excellent! Roy and Betty have been indirectly made the new leaders of this group. A couple of notes or suggestion...in the second para. it reads..."This was followed by hugs "for" the closet person..." Should for state "from"? It reads better.
Next I appreciate the moral lesson behind Mother Earth...it is noted. You mentioned that the bees surrounded Betty, then hundreds surround her. I would (and its only my opinion) describe that part as noting the noise of the bees and the possibility of Betty having to talk to the crowd louder to make it more realistic. The way it reads now if somewhat rushed and missing the real feel of it. Typically, at least in my mind, you can hear the buzzing of one bee, I can only image what hundreds should like. Over all this is an excellent story.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Will improve. Thanks...John
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
THis is a nice idealized result of what has happened, but I don't think it's a likely one. More likely some powerful men would have survived and immediately seen to it that TV broadcasts were restored. Then they would tell the nations martial law was in effect and things would soon get back to the mess they always have been. :)
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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THis is a nice idealized result of what has happened, but I don't think it's a likely one. More likely some powerful men would have survived and immediately seen to it that TV broadcasts were restored. Then they would tell the nations martial law was in effect and things would soon get back to the mess they always have been. :)
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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My take is that no one would want to work for them again. Since the economic system is gone, what motivation would they have to restore the pain?
Comment from SimplyaStudent
Most interesting turn the story has taken. I must commen you on the paragraph that talks about the tents popping up like mushrooms on the property. That was a good write.
The overall pace seems a little fast though, describing the flower gardens in just a little more detail would give this chapter more meat i think.:-) What is the temperature outside?
How do the flowers smell? Is the sun shining hotly down on the greenhouses to make everyone sweaty and sticky? As a reader i would like fo know more about my surroundings in this new world ive discovered.
But excellent overall. Well done. :-) SS
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Most interesting turn the story has taken. I must commen you on the paragraph that talks about the tents popping up like mushrooms on the property. That was a good write.
The overall pace seems a little fast though, describing the flower gardens in just a little more detail would give this chapter more meat i think.:-) What is the temperature outside?
How do the flowers smell? Is the sun shining hotly down on the greenhouses to make everyone sweaty and sticky? As a reader i would like fo know more about my surroundings in this new world ive discovered.
But excellent overall. Well done. :-) SS
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Your suggestions are pricelrss. I will review, redo...John
