Comment from RGstar

Exceptional

I am giving this a six for the realness within the write ...with a few syllable changes.

''Follow me down into endless spiraling dreams''

You need to take a word away here, uneven rhythm that throws it a bit, my brother compared with the rhythm of the rest.

''Follow me down into endless dreams''
''Follow me down into spiraling dreams''

without either or, makes no differences to the sentence.


''Read it fully in the windows of my soul''
Again here, James...one too many;

''Read it fully in the windows of soul,''
''Read it fully in windows of my soul''



''Leaves you with a shortening of your breath''

Here we already know who's breath so need to use two ( you and yours)to depict the same.
My good friend, I would suggest taking one away.


''Leaves you with a shortening of breath''


''For I am the hot flushes that confuse you''
'Flush'
''For I am the hot flush that confuses you''



''Glaze your eyes and tingle senses with deja vu.''
This line a little too long, James. destroys your rhythm.
Perhaps;

''Glazed are your eyes:tingling senses with deja vu.''
''Glazed eyes; the tingling senses of deja vu''



''Be the universe consuming all my thoughts
And I'll take you flying where love transports.''

This two lines work together and the top line a little long. Take away a syllable or two.

''Be my universe consuming all thoughts
And I'll take you flying where love transports.''

Bravo James. I wanted to help edit this as I think it well worth the time. I like the open and togetherness about this one. The fact that it could mean something to you and Jade. It is nice to save it so you and Jade can go back to it in the future, with rhythm and feeling and sound as a drum. It is better written than meets the eye, and the six is for the personal aspect of the write and what it means.

A lovely openness as said before.
Enjoy the moment, my friend.
Best wishes to the family.
RGstar

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Roy,
so here I am at last, I am really going to have to learn the art of time management. Thank you my brother, your encouragement and directional guidance means the world as I said on many occasions, you are a true gentleman... a man of integrity and class... always truly appreciative... and a big thank you once again for smoothing out my words.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James.

Comment from Nosha17

Excellent

I hope you are feeling better now and you can get back into the swing of things soon. Sounds like you are longing to! Good use of rhyming and imagery to convey your thoughts. Great pic and an enjoyable read. Faye

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Faye,
yeah, just on the side-lines waiting for the chance to get back into the game... smile)))))).

Thanks for the wonderful review Faye, truly appreciated it.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James xx

Comment from Wendyanne

Excellent

Hi JJ this is certainly a passionate piece of poetry!! You have described love in a very sensual and almost erotic way. No wonder your wife likes it ;0)

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Wendyanne,
thanks for your wonderful comments and review... I really appreciating you reading and feeling the words in such an understanding way.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James xx

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

The meter was a bit choppy in this, but it really didn't detract form the overall message at all, Jumbo. You got your points across, loud and clear, LOL...

Good use of enjambment to keep your thoughts flowing smoothly form one line to the next...

Good use of rhyming and near-rhyming...

"It's the flaming passion in your eyes
The glistening-quivers within your thighs." -- my two favorite lines in the entire poem.

Need I say more, heh-heh?

Well done.

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Dean,
yes, the meter was a tad choppy, but I smoothed that out after a few little alterations I do believe.

Thanks for your very fine review and comments my friend, most appreciated.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James.

reply by Dean Kuch on 28-Oct-2014

My pleasure, James.

Comment from reconciled

Exceptional

no shit....look at you all Mick Jagger sexy turning moans into screams pied-d piping endless dreams of ecstasy woooo well its official I'm captured ...yep I've fallen for you Jumbo...hm hmm...I'm a bonafide fool baby...ayeyi yi yi...lol...ahh just jealous man....great write bro...big love Michael

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hey Brother,
yeah, finally got here, found that song yet? Well just in case here's a couple of lines... most people I know think that I'm crazy... and I know at times I act a little hazy... yeah that's me to a tee, but whatcha gunna do? The nature of the beast.

Thanks for the great review my friend, you always put a smile on my face... your all class brother.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James.

reply by reconciled on 28-Oct-2014

I love that song...I wrote a poem for it...a while ago....Certified fool baby...ahh yi yi yi.....lol....its great jam...sung like nobody's business by big lips....Mr. Jagger. what am I going to do...well I'm going join the band what else....I can do back ground vocals as well as lead you know....ah yi yi yi...-wink-

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, J,

Great presentation with the exquisite artwork and spot on formatting.

You're right, love makes the world go round. The fact you and your wife aren't afraid to show it is 'awesome.' A little more love in the world would be nice.

Sounds as if you're no longer incapacitated. That's also a very good thing!

Beautiful job. Love the poem. Take care.

Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Jax,
nah, still on the side-lines brother, but I'm all geared-up and waiting for my call-up... smile))))))).

Thanks a heap for the very fine review and comments brother, most appreciated.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James.

Comment from Dawny53

Excellent

You sound like the number one lover of all time.. I mean that in a nice way. This poem reminds me of a male mix go between of James Dean and Don Juan all wrapped into one.. don't know if that makes any sense.. let's just say that it's power packed with passion.. a really fun read as well.. well done

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Dawny,
really loved your comments and comparisons, put a smile on my face... thank you for your wonderful review, most appreciated.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James xx

Comment from Jackarrie

Exceptional

Hi James
Not a lot of things would compensate two and a half months being incapacitated. But you have found the most important anyone can have in their lives. I am so pleased your wife gave a thumbs up.

You have written an erotic,beautiful, sensual, but most of all a loving poem,

Great to hear you are so well.

Mary

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Mary,
well, I finally made it... sorry about the delay in replying to your uplifting review... yeah, I'm coming along, although very slowly... but I'm hoping to returning to the game when I get the OK... I'm all kitted up and rearing to go... well at least my mind is... smile)))))).

Thank you dear friend for a truly beautiful sparkling review, you are appreciated.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified ire,
James xx

Comment from NicciFaye

Excellent

James - I love the opening of this very compassionate and steamy poem of love. The rescuer of lonely hearts. I love how you take us on this emotional and intense ride of this love with you. Very thrilling and felt.

I hope you are doing well my friend. Its been a moment.
This was intensely beautiful and I loved it.

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi Nicci,
it surely has been a moment lady 'N'... how have you been? Working hard and kicking goals I bet.

Thanks so much for your wonderful review and comments... you know you are always welcome to come and feast at my table friend.

Must admit, been a little shabby of late, but on the improve... thanks for asking.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James xx

Comment from James Dooney

Exceptional

This is a very solid little piece of work that you give us here. The savior you are ! Everything calibrates well here in my book !

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014

Hi James,
thanks for the love brother, really appreciated the very fine review and comments.

With our thoughts we create,
intensified desire,
James.