haiku (virgin sands give birth)
Contest entry (5-7-5)80 total reviews
Comment from Glasstruth
It's a amazing on how an island just appears in the ocean after an earthquake, or a volcanic eruption. Calling it a virgin is so appropriate. Great job! Les
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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It's a amazing on how an island just appears in the ocean after an earthquake, or a volcanic eruption. Calling it a virgin is so appropriate. Great job! Les
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you Les, much appreciated. God bless!
Comment from Dawny53
This is one of the few haiku's I find worth reviewing.. it's so hard to do in the first place. This one packs a good punch, good luck to you in the contest!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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This is one of the few haiku's I find worth reviewing.. it's so hard to do in the first place. This one packs a good punch, good luck to you in the contest!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you Dawny53 for the excellent review and generous stars. I absolutely appreciate your kind words. God bless!
Comment from James Dooney
Now this I will say is pretty good. You capture the essence of a new born island very well here. Keep up the good work and I wish you luck in the prompt !
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Now this I will say is pretty good. You capture the essence of a new born island very well here. Keep up the good work and I wish you luck in the prompt !
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you James, I had to edit as I realized the first two lines were not grammatically interconnected. It now reads:
"virgin sands give birth
to small island sprouting life
trespassing welcome"
Thank you and God bless!
Comment from adewpearl
stunning presentation of your poem, which is in excellent 5/7/5 syllable count
lovely use of personification
your first two lines are not grammatically interconnected
which is a requirement Other than that, this is wonderfully imaginative and inviting Brooke
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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stunning presentation of your poem, which is in excellent 5/7/5 syllable count
lovely use of personification
your first two lines are not grammatically interconnected
which is a requirement Other than that, this is wonderfully imaginative and inviting Brooke
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you Brooke, I edited the piece.
"virgin sands give birth
to small island sprouting life
trespassing welcome"
Thank you and God Bless!
Comment from Ookami Taki
Reading this really made me want to the first footprints on a new shore. I'm usually a hair-splittin', nit-pickin' fault-finder, but I can't even touch this. The technical structure is perfect, the creative content is spot-on, and the satori is truly awakening and inviting. That last line put everything into perspective and gave the entire piece the deeper meaning than the lines alone. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Reading this really made me want to the first footprints on a new shore. I'm usually a hair-splittin', nit-pickin' fault-finder, but I can't even touch this. The technical structure is perfect, the creative content is spot-on, and the satori is truly awakening and inviting. That last line put everything into perspective and gave the entire piece the deeper meaning than the lines alone. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you Ookami Taki for another beautifully written review. I must ask if you don't mind. Are the first two lines interconnected? I have had several great reviews, then one review tells me they are not connected. Your response would be greatly appreciated. God Bless!
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I've always thought that analyzing (overanalyzing? lol) a poem was a good way to kill it, but since we're here to grow, I guess it's okay to delve into some personal analysis and interpretation, eh? I read the lines as interconnected in that one interpretation could be that the sands produce and support the life on the island - as in when a new island is born, the sands accumulate, then seeds grow, then animals populate, etc. The sands are 'virgin' at first because they exist alone but later are the 'womb' that allows life to develop. They are 'virgin' still at the end of the poem because they have not been invaded by man. The line, "trespassing allowed" reads to me as an invitation to an intimate relationship with this 'virgin' island. I hope this isn't too deep or weird, but it's some of the thoughts that fly around when I read the poem. Poetry is awesome like that, though - we can all read the same words and walk away with very different impressions.
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By no means is this weird to me and you can never go to deep in thought and creativity. I am blessed to have this wonderful gift of expression (which has gotten me into trouble a time or two) and only wish to grow. I feel that every piece written by each individual is certain meant to be absorbed differently. I am thinking of editing the piece in this manner.
"virgin sands give birth
to tiny isle lifting life
trespassing allowed"
Any thoughts?
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One of the challenges I enjoy about writing is to express an idea without naming the idea. We use metaphor, action, dialogue because sometimes to name it is to rip the power right out of it. For example, "to tiny isle lifting life' -this line is concrete, hardly abstract, and not open to much interpretation. It says pretty much exactly what it means. However -- Using terms that *might* mean the same thing, but could also be interpreted in any number of different ways, or applied metaphorically to other situations in life... that is the beauty (read: sweat, tears, groaning efforts) of the poet. I like the poem as it is, but if you were to play around with it, maybe try coming at it from somewhere else. Instead of thinking about an island growing life, think about a... growing city... a growing child... a blooming flower... etc. Then reverse engineer the images from these thoughts and apply them to the island. I hope that made a little sense, lol.
Comment from rjuselius
"virgin sands give birth
tiny island springs to life
trespassing allowed"
this is otherwise a fine piece of poetic art! the thing that catches my eye is that the two first lines are not interconnected.. you could write for example "virgin sands give birth to small isle that springs to life". isle has one syllable. also, one more thing, add (5-7-5) after "contest entry" in the description box.
anyhoo, thank you for sharing!
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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"virgin sands give birth
tiny island springs to life
trespassing allowed"
this is otherwise a fine piece of poetic art! the thing that catches my eye is that the two first lines are not interconnected.. you could write for example "virgin sands give birth to small isle that springs to life". isle has one syllable. also, one more thing, add (5-7-5) after "contest entry" in the description box.
anyhoo, thank you for sharing!
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Hi Rebekka x, thank you for another awesome review and the feedback is absolutely welcome. I wonder how it would sound I changed it to:
"virgin sands give birth
to tiny isle lifting life
trespassing allowed"
I would love to hear what you think.
Thank you and God Bless!
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yes, that sounds much better. i like the alliteration in lifting/life. the following satori is better with these two lines.
Comment from faygrizzle
You have used personification in the first line. Very good! Just as a virgin opens her body and heart to a man, this beach that was untouched has opened up to visitors. Great content and structure. The sands gave birth to the beach. I felt the rhythm of the poem. It all makes sense and each word compliments the other in bringing out the desired effect. Excellent work!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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You have used personification in the first line. Very good! Just as a virgin opens her body and heart to a man, this beach that was untouched has opened up to visitors. Great content and structure. The sands gave birth to the beach. I felt the rhythm of the poem. It all makes sense and each word compliments the other in bringing out the desired effect. Excellent work!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you faygrizzle for the most excellent review and stars. I am quite new with this style and find it to be invigorating. Your feedback is spectacular and brings a wonderful smile to my face. God Bless!
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Faygrizzle, if you don't mind me asking, Do the first two lines interconnect in this piece. I think they do, but i had one review that disagrees.
Comment from Trybuck
It looks like you met all the requirements for this contest. Let me know when you get the first hotel built and we'll go visit..
Well done with your entry, Buck
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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It looks like you met all the requirements for this contest. Let me know when you get the first hotel built and we'll go visit..
Well done with your entry, Buck
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Well Buck, I do believe a hotel is in the future but the little fella needs to grow a bit first LOL. Thank you for another awesome Review. God bless!
Comment from kiwisteveh
Interesting satori line perhaps suggesting that we all need time away from it all in such an idyllic place.
Strong opening line too with the powerful 'virgin'...
Good luck in the island contest.
Steve
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Interesting satori line perhaps suggesting that we all need time away from it all in such an idyllic place.
Strong opening line too with the powerful 'virgin'...
Good luck in the island contest.
Steve
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you Steve for the most excellent review. I was certainly suggesting we all need to get away and to feel welcome in a new environment. God Bless!
Comment from drivenbackward
Ha! Trespassing allowed? I would like to attend. But it's a trap. No drinkable water or human connection. And no Internet. I guess I'm out. Cool poem, though! I really did like it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Ha! Trespassing allowed? I would like to attend. But it's a trap. No drinkable water or human connection. And no Internet. I guess I'm out. Cool poem, though! I really did like it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2014
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Thank you driven, I really do enjoy reading your work as well. Yes, I suppose it is a trap, but it would allow you time to reflect LOL. God bless!
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Out of curiosity on my part, do you think the first two lines interconnect? Thank you.
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Yes.
