The Night the Lights Went Out
story poem in rhyming couplets131 total reviews
Comment from BunnyS
Wow! This is so good! It's easy to get used to your sweet poems and beautifully told stories, but this side of you has the wow factor for sure. It's amazing that such an eerie, creepy story can come out of the same person.
Well done!! Oh... and extremely creepy. It had me on the edge of my seat. You have such an amazing way with words.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Wow! This is so good! It's easy to get used to your sweet poems and beautifully told stories, but this side of you has the wow factor for sure. It's amazing that such an eerie, creepy story can come out of the same person.
Well done!! Oh... and extremely creepy. It had me on the edge of my seat. You have such an amazing way with words.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Bunny, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from gypsycaravan
This almost sounds apocalyptic. Sounds like whenever people are attempting to run from terror. Many tragedies of those who couldn't keep up or were weaker.
One typo:
"of those who who collided as darkness drew near. "--delete one "who" in this line.
Poem is lyrical as are all your poems. How is it that no matter what you write they sound like tat and other poets verses can sound like a bumpy road?
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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This almost sounds apocalyptic. Sounds like whenever people are attempting to run from terror. Many tragedies of those who couldn't keep up or were weaker.
One typo:
"of those who who collided as darkness drew near. "--delete one "who" in this line.
Poem is lyrical as are all your poems. How is it that no matter what you write they sound like tat and other poets verses can sound like a bumpy road?
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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thanks so much, gypsy - I've since edited that typo
the best reason I can offer for my good meter is that I write and rewrite and rewrite some more - I think lots of people post without doing enough of the process. I'm more than aware that the first words I write down often aren't good enough to be the last words I post ;-) Brooke
Comment from VMac
You start this with a tone that suggests that everything will be ok in the end, it's not. That's fantastic. I love it when people do that.
I also LOVE the rhythm change in the last stanza after the stampede is over.
Just one suggestion: 'And prayed the whole world would not end on that day' - consider deleting 'on'. It just feels a little forced to me and I'm not sure that the rhythm would suffer significantly with it gone.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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You start this with a tone that suggests that everything will be ok in the end, it's not. That's fantastic. I love it when people do that.
I also LOVE the rhythm change in the last stanza after the stampede is over.
Just one suggestion: 'And prayed the whole world would not end on that day' - consider deleting 'on'. It just feels a little forced to me and I'm not sure that the rhythm would suffer significantly with it gone.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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VMac, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from Eric1
HI Brooke, this is a pretty scary poem my friend, full of fantastic but scary description and imagery, Souls being trampled under their own fears, even though they should not fear the night, brilliant poem, great rhyming and rhythm with a great flow.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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HI Brooke, this is a pretty scary poem my friend, full of fantastic but scary description and imagery, Souls being trampled under their own fears, even though they should not fear the night, brilliant poem, great rhyming and rhythm with a great flow.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Eric, thank you so much :-) Brooke
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You are very welcome Brooke.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your story in a poem was well written. I enjoyed it. The flow was good and the rhymes kept it moving along to the end. The picture is perfect. I see nothing to change. Your story is complete in a short amount of space. Good job and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Your story in a poem was well written. I enjoyed it. The flow was good and the rhymes kept it moving along to the end. The picture is perfect. I see nothing to change. Your story is complete in a short amount of space. Good job and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much, jannypan. 32 lines is actually quite long for me :-) Brooke
Comment from Fridayauthor
I enjoyed this most interesting poem very much. I especially appreciate the rhyming that makes it read so easily.
The poem brought back memories of the great black-out. I was working in New York city at the time. Thankfully, we didn't kill each other!
Nice posting!
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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I enjoyed this most interesting poem very much. I especially appreciate the rhyming that makes it read so easily.
The poem brought back memories of the great black-out. I was working in New York city at the time. Thankfully, we didn't kill each other!
Nice posting!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much, Fridayauthor :-0 Brooke
Comment from heyjude
Brooke, I remember all your horror poems you did last
year. This is well done. Flows smooth and terrifies
as you read it. I will be glad when Halloween is over. haha
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Brooke, I remember all your horror poems you did last
year. This is well done. Flows smooth and terrifies
as you read it. I will be glad when Halloween is over. haha
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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thanks so much, heyjude - I'm so glad you remember my past dark poems, which I've been posting or six years. I'm growing weary of having people ask me if I've been influenced or inspired by Dean. Brooke
Comment from Ekim777
Fascinating in all its darkness. With all the darkness of the night skies, who can believe in the concept of light. Surely the night is the playground of the soul? Meanwhile our poet reminds us that cadence might just be the most important element in poetry. We are presented here with a horror story well suited to the Gothic tradition; " Where the moon was a ghostly galleon, tossed upon cloudy skies."
-Ekim777
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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Fascinating in all its darkness. With all the darkness of the night skies, who can believe in the concept of light. Surely the night is the playground of the soul? Meanwhile our poet reminds us that cadence might just be the most important element in poetry. We are presented here with a horror story well suited to the Gothic tradition; " Where the moon was a ghostly galleon, tossed upon cloudy skies."
-Ekim777
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Ekim, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from nancyjam
Wow, Brooke what a frightening story!
Terrific imagery, rhyme and meter.
I can imagine the panic and the stampede in
a night dark as pitch and no clue as to what
was happening. Nancy
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Wow, Brooke what a frightening story!
Terrific imagery, rhyme and meter.
I can imagine the panic and the stampede in
a night dark as pitch and no clue as to what
was happening. Nancy
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Nancy, thank you so much for your generous and thoughtful response to this poem :-) Brooke
Comment from GracieAnn
Brooke, this is an intense and moving write that utilizes dark themes wrapped in creative rhymes. The mood is unmistakable and is like a nightmare. Well penned. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Brooke, this is an intense and moving write that utilizes dark themes wrapped in creative rhymes. The mood is unmistakable and is like a nightmare. Well penned. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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GracieAnn, thank you so much for your generous and gracious response to this poem :-) Brooke
