The Night the Lights Went Out
story poem in rhyming couplets131 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Brooke
This is like your last poem, anapestic tetrameter, isn't it?
u/ uu/ uu/ uu/
... two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable, with either three or four metrical feet per line. You know, there's another poem with the same bounce,
"Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse." I love it, and you are a master.
I'm wondering where you got the idea for this poem. Is it because of the fear of terrorists expressed recently? the turmoil in the world that causes people to stress out? No guns fired, no knives drawn, but people trampled to death as they run for their lives. I think you're sending out a message here... to stop running and face these usurpers. It's time they knew they can't scare us with their cowardly acts. Perhaps I'm wrong, but this was running through my pointed head as I read your well-written poem.
"The moon disappeared on that darkest of nights" ... sometimes there is no moon. I'm sure the cavemen wondered where it went so many eons ago. Did darker nights make them afraid? Perhaps. There will always be terror too. It's a fact of life, a "new reality".
I especially like these lines,
"but pleas didn't matter and prayers didn't count
the night all the lights in the sky sputtered out."
"... for the pairing of "pleas" and "prayers". I like the inner rhyme of "night/lights" and the alliteration of "sky sputtered". That's such a great verb, "sputtered".
I can feel the excitement in these lines,
"I hid in a thicket, a cowardly deed,
avoiding the crush of the panicked stampede" ... good consonance with the harsh "k" sounds... "thicket/cowardly/ crush/panicked".
Terrific imagery here,
"A tangle of corpses is all that remained
with faces contorted in terror and pain," ... I recently watched the 1993 movie, "Schindler's List". In one part, they were gathering up corpses of Jews, like so much firewood, and burying them in a mass grave.
Some nice alliteration here too,
"while frozen in fear, I stayed far from the fray"
and here,
"the whole world would not end"
and here,
"as darkness drew near"
and here,
"the weak who would get in their way"
and here,
"till they were the weak who were stomped by the strong"
and here,
"piled on the path"
My favourite lines,
"That night I was spared but have never learned why,
when death took its toll neath the darkening sky." ...this reminds me of the 1970 movie, "Soldier Blue", starring Candice Bergen and Peter Strauss. Near the start of the movie, a cavalry troop is wiped out by the Cheyenne. Only two survivors remain, Honus Gent, a private, and Cresta Lee, a white woman who had been captured by the Indians as a little girl. Honus, idealistic and clumsy, couldn't understand why he alone had been spared. He walked through the dead men and burning wagons, crying, almost hysterical, and recited "The Charge of the Light Brigade" (written by Lord Alfred Tennyson) from memory.
"Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred." ... And all the while, Cresta Lee was shaking her head at the pitiful sight. She began walking among the dead too, but she was gathering food items that might help them make their journey back to civilization. Honus was appalled that she robbing the dead!
I remember the movie so clearly, Brooke. Your lines fit in so well,
"And when from the tangles of thicket I crept,
I found not one soul, as in silence I wept."
Oh my, this is good.
Thanks for sharing this poem, Brooke. You never cease to amaze.
your fan,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
  |
Hi Brooke
This is like your last poem, anapestic tetrameter, isn't it?
u/ uu/ uu/ uu/
... two unstressed syllables followed by a stressed syllable, with either three or four metrical feet per line. You know, there's another poem with the same bounce,
"Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse." I love it, and you are a master.
I'm wondering where you got the idea for this poem. Is it because of the fear of terrorists expressed recently? the turmoil in the world that causes people to stress out? No guns fired, no knives drawn, but people trampled to death as they run for their lives. I think you're sending out a message here... to stop running and face these usurpers. It's time they knew they can't scare us with their cowardly acts. Perhaps I'm wrong, but this was running through my pointed head as I read your well-written poem.
"The moon disappeared on that darkest of nights" ... sometimes there is no moon. I'm sure the cavemen wondered where it went so many eons ago. Did darker nights make them afraid? Perhaps. There will always be terror too. It's a fact of life, a "new reality".
I especially like these lines,
"but pleas didn't matter and prayers didn't count
the night all the lights in the sky sputtered out."
"... for the pairing of "pleas" and "prayers". I like the inner rhyme of "night/lights" and the alliteration of "sky sputtered". That's such a great verb, "sputtered".
I can feel the excitement in these lines,
"I hid in a thicket, a cowardly deed,
avoiding the crush of the panicked stampede" ... good consonance with the harsh "k" sounds... "thicket/cowardly/ crush/panicked".
Terrific imagery here,
"A tangle of corpses is all that remained
with faces contorted in terror and pain," ... I recently watched the 1993 movie, "Schindler's List". In one part, they were gathering up corpses of Jews, like so much firewood, and burying them in a mass grave.
Some nice alliteration here too,
"while frozen in fear, I stayed far from the fray"
and here,
"the whole world would not end"
and here,
"as darkness drew near"
and here,
"the weak who would get in their way"
and here,
"till they were the weak who were stomped by the strong"
and here,
"piled on the path"
My favourite lines,
"That night I was spared but have never learned why,
when death took its toll neath the darkening sky." ...this reminds me of the 1970 movie, "Soldier Blue", starring Candice Bergen and Peter Strauss. Near the start of the movie, a cavalry troop is wiped out by the Cheyenne. Only two survivors remain, Honus Gent, a private, and Cresta Lee, a white woman who had been captured by the Indians as a little girl. Honus, idealistic and clumsy, couldn't understand why he alone had been spared. He walked through the dead men and burning wagons, crying, almost hysterical, and recited "The Charge of the Light Brigade" (written by Lord Alfred Tennyson) from memory.
"Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred." ... And all the while, Cresta Lee was shaking her head at the pitiful sight. She began walking among the dead too, but she was gathering food items that might help them make their journey back to civilization. Honus was appalled that she robbing the dead!
I remember the movie so clearly, Brooke. Your lines fit in so well,
"And when from the tangles of thicket I crept,
I found not one soul, as in silence I wept."
Oh my, this is good.
Thanks for sharing this poem, Brooke. You never cease to amaze.
your fan,
Kimbob
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Thank you so much, Kimbob - yes, this is also anapestic tetrameter with catylexis :-) Yes, I teach anapestic meter using Twas the Night :-)
I love the Charge of the Light Brigade - what a wonderfully dramatic poem based on a true story and doesn't it just sound fantastic when read aloud? As always, your reviews are the best, my friend :-) Brooke
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Brooke.
Excellent use of flowing anapaestic meter.
Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to have inadvertently repeated, 'who' in 20th line.
This is a great treat as you add horror, atmosphere and darkness to your usual excellent sweet writes.
Fabulous gripping story in a poem.
Loads of poetic devices like alliteration, vivid imagery and enjambment to add to your top rhymes and flow.
I rate this as one of your best, and therefore my 'sixer'.
Best wishes, Ray. xx
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
 |
Hi, Brooke.
Excellent use of flowing anapaestic meter.
Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to have inadvertently repeated, 'who' in 20th line.
This is a great treat as you add horror, atmosphere and darkness to your usual excellent sweet writes.
Fabulous gripping story in a poem.
Loads of poetic devices like alliteration, vivid imagery and enjambment to add to your top rhymes and flow.
I rate this as one of your best, and therefore my 'sixer'.
Best wishes, Ray. xx
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Ray, thank you so much, my friend. I fixed that who who mess right after I read your review earlier today :-) I truly appreciate the eagle eye. And I truly appreciate the generous and encouraging rating :-) Brooke
Comment from granny goes viral
Oh my goodness. You really fooled me on this one. I was positive this would end with one of your "jokes". Like it was a candy stampede on Halloween night. But no. Amazing Brooke.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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Oh my goodness. You really fooled me on this one. I was positive this would end with one of your "jokes". Like it was a candy stampede on Halloween night. But no. Amazing Brooke.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
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granny, thank you so much :-) Nope, no joke! :-) Brooke
Comment from Nosha17
Sounds pretty horrific, I am not too fond of horror. I skipped over the horror bits, sorry. The rhyming and imagery were excellent and the picture most fitting. Faye
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Sounds pretty horrific, I am not too fond of horror. I skipped over the horror bits, sorry. The rhyming and imagery were excellent and the picture most fitting. Faye
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Faye, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from mommerry
Oh my, you did a wonderful job of telling a horrific story with beautiful rhythm and rhyme. There is nothing in the poem that needs negative critique. Great writing.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Oh my, you did a wonderful job of telling a horrific story with beautiful rhythm and rhyme. There is nothing in the poem that needs negative critique. Great writing.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
mommery, thank you so very much for your generous and gracious response to this poem :-) Brooke
Comment from GeraldS
This is heavier fare then I normally expect to read from you, but extremely well written too. When I clicked on the banner I wasn't aware of who authored the piece. Great job!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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This is heavier fare then I normally expect to read from you, but extremely well written too. When I clicked on the banner I wasn't aware of who authored the piece. Great job!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Gerald, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from Curly Girly
This fascinating story poem differs to your usual light-hearted banter. Hell! This ain't funny. It makes me think of the end of the world. Perfect technical structure with a smooth flow.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
This fascinating story poem differs to your usual light-hearted banter. Hell! This ain't funny. It makes me think of the end of the world. Perfect technical structure with a smooth flow.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Curly Girly, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from words
This is one scary Halloween poem, Brooke.
Enough to give me nightmares.
The third from the bottom verse whould make a great premise for a horror story ...In the end, it is our own fears that kill. Terrific.
And you didn't need to either own a pickup or be drunk on Jack to write it. LOL
Hugs,d
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
This is one scary Halloween poem, Brooke.
Enough to give me nightmares.
The third from the bottom verse whould make a great premise for a horror story ...In the end, it is our own fears that kill. Terrific.
And you didn't need to either own a pickup or be drunk on Jack to write it. LOL
Hugs,d
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Diane, thank you so very much, my friend :-) Brooke Sending you smiles :-) This afternoon Nora told Sawyer, who visits her every Friday, that he is so grown up. I'm not a grown up, he answered. No, she said, but you act live you're five years old! LOL
Comment from Ookami Taki
Fear of the dark, fear of the unknown, fear of... fear! This poem addresses the very basis of human fright - that which we cannot see, explain, or control. I like how the story progresses; as the darkness falls, the horror rises. The lone survivor is a great way to slip that fear into the reader, as if the same fate awaits... soon.
There is one potential continuity issue, though. The first verse of the poem reads, "...but witnesses tell of the terrified cries...", yet the last verse says that there was only one survivor - no other souls were spared. I apologize if I read the timing of the action incorrectly. Perhaps the witnesses told their stories before things got really bad, eh?
This is a perfectly creepy story, and the rhyming couplet form fits the topic very well as the reader can begin at a walk, and by the end may find himself galloping towards doom. Great poem!
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
|
Fear of the dark, fear of the unknown, fear of... fear! This poem addresses the very basis of human fright - that which we cannot see, explain, or control. I like how the story progresses; as the darkness falls, the horror rises. The lone survivor is a great way to slip that fear into the reader, as if the same fate awaits... soon.
There is one potential continuity issue, though. The first verse of the poem reads, "...but witnesses tell of the terrified cries...", yet the last verse says that there was only one survivor - no other souls were spared. I apologize if I read the timing of the action incorrectly. Perhaps the witnesses told their stories before things got really bad, eh?
This is a perfectly creepy story, and the rhyming couplet form fits the topic very well as the reader can begin at a walk, and by the end may find himself galloping towards doom. Great poem!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2014
-
Ookami, thank you so much for your thoughtful reading of this poem :-) Brooke
Comment from wiljacro
HI! WOW! It takes an awful lot to make the hair on my neck stand up and for my blood to run cold, but goodness me, how you have succeeded in SPADES! This is a tale for a session around a wood fire, which would make the listeners want to stay overnight until the dawn broke! Fantastic. wiljacro.
PS> If it was possible I would have given this a 10!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
HI! WOW! It takes an awful lot to make the hair on my neck stand up and for my blood to run cold, but goodness me, how you have succeeded in SPADES! This is a tale for a session around a wood fire, which would make the listeners want to stay overnight until the dawn broke! Fantastic. wiljacro.
PS> If it was possible I would have given this a 10!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Thank you so very much, wiljacro, for your most encouraging and generous response to this poem :-) Brooke
