Abra Cadaver
Who needs Dancing with the Stars?141 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
What a horrible picture. This took forEVER to load on my stupid computer.Great alliteration in Postmortem Prancing! Made me giggle. I love the title as well. Abra Cadaver! How clever! Well done Dean .xx Nancy
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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What a horrible picture. This took forEVER to load on my stupid computer.Great alliteration in Postmortem Prancing! Made me giggle. I love the title as well. Abra Cadaver! How clever! Well done Dean .xx Nancy
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Nancy, and I'm very glad that you were entertained. That's why we all try to do what we do, to entertain and enlighten, if at all possible. At least, I think so.
Thanks again, and have a wonderful weekend. :}
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Dean,
Really like this one and the presentation. Love the font, which adds to the ghoulishness of the piece.
Great originality with this one. Best of luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Hi, Dean,
Really like this one and the presentation. Love the font, which adds to the ghoulishness of the piece.
Great originality with this one. Best of luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much, Jax. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the review. :}
Comment from aagalloway
First off, the title is inspired. I loved it. The subject is fun and spooky, the design very apt for Halloween. Well done!
You are pretty brave for entering this contest, I wanted to check what it was for before reviewing and oh my goodness the rules freaked me out a little! I am not an experienced or technical poet and I don't know all the rules, so take this review with a pinch of salt. Here's what I thought as a reader:
I felt sometimes the lines were a little long to enjoy the rhythm, though they were technically probably the right length. For the rhythm to flow I would prefer some lines to be shorter but I appreciate the rules and personal choice dictate to some extent. For example:
Line three I felt might run smoother if it were:
Corpses were dancing on top of their slabs
And line five:
You there, now see here, you're supposed to be dead!
The line about postmortem prancing had me in stitches! Fantastic turn of phrase.
The spooked doctor stood screaming just clasping his head - or and clasping his head? As I felt he wasn't just (as in only) clasping his head because he was also screaming and standing.
Boogeyman or boogeymen?
'Doing time' in the last line to me (I'm from England) suggests being in jail. So I would probably go for passing time or spending time.
Well done, it was a great poem. I loved it. Good luck!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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First off, the title is inspired. I loved it. The subject is fun and spooky, the design very apt for Halloween. Well done!
You are pretty brave for entering this contest, I wanted to check what it was for before reviewing and oh my goodness the rules freaked me out a little! I am not an experienced or technical poet and I don't know all the rules, so take this review with a pinch of salt. Here's what I thought as a reader:
I felt sometimes the lines were a little long to enjoy the rhythm, though they were technically probably the right length. For the rhythm to flow I would prefer some lines to be shorter but I appreciate the rules and personal choice dictate to some extent. For example:
Line three I felt might run smoother if it were:
Corpses were dancing on top of their slabs
And line five:
You there, now see here, you're supposed to be dead!
The line about postmortem prancing had me in stitches! Fantastic turn of phrase.
The spooked doctor stood screaming just clasping his head - or and clasping his head? As I felt he wasn't just (as in only) clasping his head because he was also screaming and standing.
Boogeyman or boogeymen?
'Doing time' in the last line to me (I'm from England) suggests being in jail. So I would probably go for passing time or spending time.
Well done, it was a great poem. I loved it. Good luck!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks for such an in depth review, aagalloway. That's the sort of feedback I need, and I appreciate you letting me know what worked for you in the piece, and what didn't. You're right, anapestic tetrameter requires a certain amount of beats in every line, consisting of both stressed and unstressed syllables. Therefore, all my lines contain twelve "beats" per line.
Anyhow, all the technical jargon aside, I really appreciate your review! :}
Comment from LIJ Red
Anapestic tetrameter. Huh. Whatever you say. No absurdities
in the text to pounce on. Morticians got to have something
added or subtracted from normal.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Anapestic tetrameter. Huh. Whatever you say. No absurdities
in the text to pounce on. Morticians got to have something
added or subtracted from normal.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks, LIJ Red. Much obliged. :)
Comment from Just2Write
Second review:
You've made some good revisions, Dean. The flow is smoother now, but there's still a couple of bumpy places.
I won't list them all - but take a look at the following:
S1L2:
when noises he heard made him turn with a jerk
consider something like:
when a NOISE from beHIND made him TURN with a JERK
S2L3:
"CaDAVers canā??t MOVE", SOON he STARTed to SCREAMm.
(not anapestic - soon is a stressed word)
perhaps something like:
But caDAVers were WRITHing, creATing a scene
S3L1:
AFter the CORPses
(AFter is normally stressed on the 1st syllable which makes this line non-anapestic. These four syllables are Trochiac)
Good effort, Dean. You're almost there.
Rose.
Original review:
What a deliciously creepy story, Dean. I knew this meter would suit you. There's a few places where the meter goes out, though.
S1L3 For the CORPSes were DANCing on TOP of their SLABS
the words 'for the' seem to throw the stresses out a bit. Consider dropping either the word 'the' or the word 'for' (perfectly okay in Anapestic Meter on the first Anapest)
For corpses were dancing on top of their slabs
The corpses were dancing on top of their slabs
S1L4 is starting with two stressed words, and sounds more like Trochic Meter:
ALL were BREAKing and smashing the stuff in the labs
You can soften it, by using the word 'and' vs. 'all' You can also drop the word 'were' for better flow:
and BREAKing and SMASHing the STUFF in the LABS
S2L2 The spooked doctor was screaming whilst clasping his head (SPOOKED is a stressed word. Consider something like:
the DOCtor was SPOOKED and was CLASPing his HEAD.
S2L3 and S2L4 - These lines end with an unstressed syllable - DANCing and PRANCing, which is not anapestic meter.
Anapest lines end on a STRESSED syllable.
S3L1 - AFter aWHILE (not anapestic)
S3L3 Consider dropping the word 'soon'
the COPS picked him UP down on MAIN street and VINE
S3L4 the word 'STATE' is a stressed word. Consider a change to something like:
He's a GUEST of the STATE where he's DOing his TIME.
Rose
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Second review:
You've made some good revisions, Dean. The flow is smoother now, but there's still a couple of bumpy places.
I won't list them all - but take a look at the following:
S1L2:
when noises he heard made him turn with a jerk
consider something like:
when a NOISE from beHIND made him TURN with a JERK
S2L3:
"CaDAVers canā??t MOVE", SOON he STARTed to SCREAMm.
(not anapestic - soon is a stressed word)
perhaps something like:
But caDAVers were WRITHing, creATing a scene
S3L1:
AFter the CORPses
(AFter is normally stressed on the 1st syllable which makes this line non-anapestic. These four syllables are Trochiac)
Good effort, Dean. You're almost there.
Rose.
Original review:
What a deliciously creepy story, Dean. I knew this meter would suit you. There's a few places where the meter goes out, though.
S1L3 For the CORPSes were DANCing on TOP of their SLABS
the words 'for the' seem to throw the stresses out a bit. Consider dropping either the word 'the' or the word 'for' (perfectly okay in Anapestic Meter on the first Anapest)
For corpses were dancing on top of their slabs
The corpses were dancing on top of their slabs
S1L4 is starting with two stressed words, and sounds more like Trochic Meter:
ALL were BREAKing and smashing the stuff in the labs
You can soften it, by using the word 'and' vs. 'all' You can also drop the word 'were' for better flow:
and BREAKing and SMASHing the STUFF in the LABS
S2L2 The spooked doctor was screaming whilst clasping his head (SPOOKED is a stressed word. Consider something like:
the DOCtor was SPOOKED and was CLASPing his HEAD.
S2L3 and S2L4 - These lines end with an unstressed syllable - DANCing and PRANCing, which is not anapestic meter.
Anapest lines end on a STRESSED syllable.
S3L1 - AFter aWHILE (not anapestic)
S3L3 Consider dropping the word 'soon'
the COPS picked him UP down on MAIN street and VINE
S3L4 the word 'STATE' is a stressed word. Consider a change to something like:
He's a GUEST of the STATE where he's DOing his TIME.
Rose
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Rose, and since it was your contest, I'd thought I'd give it a whirl and fill up all the slots. I did do some reediting, and I hope it reads more smoothly now, and in Anapestic Meter. I'm still learning things such a poetic feet per line as they pertain to meter and composition, beats and how they interact with stressed and unstressed syllables, etcetera. I have a lot yet to learn.
Thanks so much for your in depth and helpful review. :}
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Oh, on a side note, when I posted my poem, it posted on the story side instead of on the poetry side. One reviewer docked me a star partially because of it. Any ideas on how I go about correcting the problem?
Just wondering...
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I'll take a look and get back to you. I do appreciate your kind support of the contest, Dean - but don't ever feel bad if you want to give one of my contests a pass. The whole idea behind my doing them is to help poets boost their poetic acumen. If the contest doesn't do that, then I'm the one that has failed.
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I am disappointed that someone would ding a writer for something like screen set-up - but, I guess each of us has different ideas on what constitutes a good writer from a bad one. Tom can fix your mistake - you can't do it on your own. Send him a e-mail when you get a second, explaining what happened.
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Will do. Has it happened to anyone else in the contest that you know of?
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Well, I never like to pass up a challenge, LOL. It's a pleasure to be a contestant, Rose. :}
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Not that I am aware of - although it has happened to me a couple of times in the distant past. Tom always fixed it though.
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I sent him the email just now, Rose. Thanks for your help!
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Deano.
You need a consistent beat of:
[da-DUM-da-da-DUM-da-da-DUM-da-da-DUM] OR TWO da's to start then follow same pattern Lines as follows:
1 - ok
2 - ok
3 - ok
4 - no - delete 'all'
5 - ok
6 - ok
7 - I'm not sure, with the extra syllable and the 2 unstressed to end - may be ok
8 - as above
9 - definitely no, IMO, as you start with a stressed
10 - I suggest deleting 'scared' to retain pattern
11 - ok
12 - ok
Jeez, that took me ages, and I could be wrong, but I ain't reviewing the content in detail after all that, LOL, only to say it's a great fun light-hearted creepy story in a poem.
Anyway, I suspect half the voters don't read the rules, and there aren't any here without checking the contest details, anyway. :-)
Good luck and best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Hi, Deano.
You need a consistent beat of:
[da-DUM-da-da-DUM-da-da-DUM-da-da-DUM] OR TWO da's to start then follow same pattern Lines as follows:
1 - ok
2 - ok
3 - ok
4 - no - delete 'all'
5 - ok
6 - ok
7 - I'm not sure, with the extra syllable and the 2 unstressed to end - may be ok
8 - as above
9 - definitely no, IMO, as you start with a stressed
10 - I suggest deleting 'scared' to retain pattern
11 - ok
12 - ok
Jeez, that took me ages, and I could be wrong, but I ain't reviewing the content in detail after all that, LOL, only to say it's a great fun light-hearted creepy story in a poem.
Anyway, I suspect half the voters don't read the rules, and there aren't any here without checking the contest details, anyway. :-)
Good luck and best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Well, if the comments on the poem are any indication, they do read the rules, Rayman, at least for this contest.
Thanks for the in depth analysis and thoughtful suggestions. I'll make some adjustments. :}
Comment from jim lawler
Very well done? I liked the thought and the choice of words It sounds like a winner. But Dean, would it flow better if you dropped the (all were) in the first verse and drop the (all) in the second verse. Replace (stood screaming) with (screamed) and (After a while they were tired and done) and (With door open wide the mortician run) (The cops picked him up on Main Street and Vine) Think about it; I'll check back with you. That would flow nicely and merit a sixer! Jim Lawler Good luck non the less!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Very well done? I liked the thought and the choice of words It sounds like a winner. But Dean, would it flow better if you dropped the (all were) in the first verse and drop the (all) in the second verse. Replace (stood screaming) with (screamed) and (After a while they were tired and done) and (With door open wide the mortician run) (The cops picked him up on Main Street and Vine) Think about it; I'll check back with you. That would flow nicely and merit a sixer! Jim Lawler Good luck non the less!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks a million for the review and thoughtful suggestions, Jim. I'm glad you liked the poem overall, and I'll make some adjustments.
Much obliged! :}
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It reads like a winner! I tried to give it a six but they wouldn't let me. Good luck with it. Jim Lawler
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Aw, the sixes aren't what's important, Jim. The main thing is that people get a chill, or an involuntary shiver, or perhaps even a chuckle or two when reading the poem. That's what it's really all about, entertaining people.
Thanks again for your thoughtful suggestions, Jim. It helped a lot!
Dean :}
Comment from Sasha
This is terrific. I noticed the rules said no authors note, but this really needed them. I do hope you are not disqualified because of them...sometimes authors notes are necessary. Excellent work with this one and I sincerely wish you all the best. This one was fascinating and fun to read.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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This is terrific. I noticed the rules said no authors note, but this really needed them. I do hope you are not disqualified because of them...sometimes authors notes are necessary. Excellent work with this one and I sincerely wish you all the best. This one was fascinating and fun to read.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Smurph, and I appreciate you pointing that out about the author's notes. I completely missed that, but they've been deleted now.
I'm very grateful for your outstanding review. :}
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That's too bad because they were so interesting and really added to the poem.
Comment from robina1978
So many of you entered this prompt. I love your general layout and the fact that it is based on an old story. The mortician got a startle when the dead started moving. Good rhyme and meter.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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So many of you entered this prompt. I love your general layout and the fact that it is based on an old story. The mortician got a startle when the dead started moving. Good rhyme and meter.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Ine, for your wonderful review.
Have a fantastic weekend.
Comment from adewpearl
Dean, though this is a poem you have categorized it as prose/fiction
I love the clever play on words with abra cadaver and abra cadabra
good use of consistent anapestic meter in your first stanza
good use of enjambment - so you end up with excellent cadence and flow
fun visual of the corpses come to life
you there now see here - the anapestic meter seems to have problems in that line
the cadavers can't move line also throws me off a little
After awhile - ditto
same with the cops line
strong use of rhyming couplets
I really like the story line - the 4 rating is because of meter
Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Dean, though this is a poem you have categorized it as prose/fiction
I love the clever play on words with abra cadaver and abra cadabra
good use of consistent anapestic meter in your first stanza
good use of enjambment - so you end up with excellent cadence and flow
fun visual of the corpses come to life
you there now see here - the anapestic meter seems to have problems in that line
the cadavers can't move line also throws me off a little
After awhile - ditto
same with the cops line
strong use of rhyming couplets
I really like the story line - the 4 rating is because of meter
Brooke
Comment Written 24-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Brooke, and I'll make some edits. Much obliged...
