Time Travel
Contest Entry: Sonnet about 'Time'44 total reviews
Comment from amahra
OH my goodness. I almost skip this poem because I thought I had reviewed before because another writer used that art work. I'm glad I read it. Really loved the poem. Great rhyming and good rhythm. And of course, loved the art work.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
  |
OH my goodness. I almost skip this poem because I thought I had reviewed before because another writer used that art work. I'm glad I read it. Really loved the poem. Great rhyming and good rhythm. And of course, loved the art work.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Thank you so much for your kind review, Amahra
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
LOL. Oh Tony this is so clever! I hope your iPhone was worth the trouble! LOL. Daylight saving is enough trouble for me because as you know we don't have it here in Queensland, let alone the IDL. Giddy
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
 |
LOL. Oh Tony this is so clever! I hope your iPhone was worth the trouble! LOL. Daylight saving is enough trouble for me because as you know we don't have it here in Queensland, let alone the IDL. Giddy
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Pure fiction, I'm afraid, Giddy - although my daughter's partner did give me his old iPhone a year or two ago and it sometimes seems to have a mind of its own! Thanks so much for your review and six stars. Much appreciated. We do have daylight saving here of course, but it isn't very popular with the farmers - especially those who are out west on the Eyre Peninsula.
Comment from rama devi
Entertaining, unique and witty!
I enjoyed the storytelling style as well, especially in opening stanza:
In mid-Pacific on my flight back home,
the twenty-fifth of June, or so I thought,
I chanced to check it on my new iPhone,
a bargain from Hong Kong and cheaply bought.
Critique of above stanza:
1) I phone is forced scansion--but forgivable for such a clever, modern rhyme!)
2) Suggest using parenthesis for dramatic effect (optional):
In mid-Pacific on my flight back home,
the twenty-fifth of June, or so I thought,
I chanced to check it on my new iPhone
(a bargain from Hong Kong and cheaply bought).
or use a dash:
In mid-Pacific on my flight back home,
the twenty-fifth of June, or so I thought,
I chanced to check it on my new iPhone--
a bargain from Hong Kong and cheaply bought.
*
It took me by surprise(,) to say the least
to find it said I'd travelled back in time---LOL!!!!
Hilarious:
into the twenty-fourth. I shook the beast
and cursed the vendor. What a filthy swine!
*
Just then(,) the captain came along the aisle.
"Hi Jack," I said. "We need to turn around." - great understatement...humorous!
He paled at that and quickly lost his smile.--great rhyme
Before I knew it, I was tightly bound.
THIS is a clever closing except that I do not know what I.D.L. stands for. Is it SMS tongue...still foreign to me?
My ignorance I rue within my cell.
The iPhone's fine. It was the I.D.L.
ah, I see you let me know in author's notes. Clever one. Witty and wonderful. Strong entry in the contest as it is so entertaining. What fun rhyming too.
Bravo and best wishes!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
|
Entertaining, unique and witty!
I enjoyed the storytelling style as well, especially in opening stanza:
In mid-Pacific on my flight back home,
the twenty-fifth of June, or so I thought,
I chanced to check it on my new iPhone,
a bargain from Hong Kong and cheaply bought.
Critique of above stanza:
1) I phone is forced scansion--but forgivable for such a clever, modern rhyme!)
2) Suggest using parenthesis for dramatic effect (optional):
In mid-Pacific on my flight back home,
the twenty-fifth of June, or so I thought,
I chanced to check it on my new iPhone
(a bargain from Hong Kong and cheaply bought).
or use a dash:
In mid-Pacific on my flight back home,
the twenty-fifth of June, or so I thought,
I chanced to check it on my new iPhone--
a bargain from Hong Kong and cheaply bought.
*
It took me by surprise(,) to say the least
to find it said I'd travelled back in time---LOL!!!!
Hilarious:
into the twenty-fourth. I shook the beast
and cursed the vendor. What a filthy swine!
*
Just then(,) the captain came along the aisle.
"Hi Jack," I said. "We need to turn around." - great understatement...humorous!
He paled at that and quickly lost his smile.--great rhyme
Before I knew it, I was tightly bound.
THIS is a clever closing except that I do not know what I.D.L. stands for. Is it SMS tongue...still foreign to me?
My ignorance I rue within my cell.
The iPhone's fine. It was the I.D.L.
ah, I see you let me know in author's notes. Clever one. Witty and wonderful. Strong entry in the contest as it is so entertaining. What fun rhyming too.
Bravo and best wishes!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014
-
Thanks again for another lovely review, RD. The brackets are a good idea and I shall put them in after the contest is over (not that I'm in contention!). Also, the comma after 'Just then' defines a natural pause. I share your view of the mindless acronyms of this dotty.com world! However, I do seem to remember in my more romantic days sticking down St. Valentine's cards and writing SWALK on the envelope (Sealed with a loving kiss).
-
Ah yes, I remember swalk too. :) thanks for your gracious reply, my friend. Blessings, rd
Comment from VMac
I like the idea, but there were a few off-rhymes, such as 'time' and 'swine' that didn't work for me. Also, at times, the poem seemed to have a sort of Dr. Seuss quality, but then it lost it towards the end.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
 |
I like the idea, but there were a few off-rhymes, such as 'time' and 'swine' that didn't work for me. Also, at times, the poem seemed to have a sort of Dr. Seuss quality, but then it lost it towards the end.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Many thanks for your review, VMac.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I don't know, That might be cool. You might end up with time to spare! What interesting story about crossing the international date line with an iPhone that doesn't have GPS. Hi Jack and hijack. Hilarious. Watch what you say on an airplane mate! LOL Good luck. Nancy.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
|
I don't know, That might be cool. You might end up with time to spare! What interesting story about crossing the international date line with an iPhone that doesn't have GPS. Hi Jack and hijack. Hilarious. Watch what you say on an airplane mate! LOL Good luck. Nancy.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Many thanks for your review, Nancy
Comment from acerisestory
Yours is a fun and well written sonnet, Tony. I've had the same thing happen to me. The IDL can confuse us so easily -- and also impacts our poor bodies!
You've stayed nicely within the confines of the sonnet. Your words have a wonderful flow, and your rhyming is flawless.
I especially like your ending couplet.
Well done, my friend. Best of luck in the contest. Alana
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
|
Yours is a fun and well written sonnet, Tony. I've had the same thing happen to me. The IDL can confuse us so easily -- and also impacts our poor bodies!
You've stayed nicely within the confines of the sonnet. Your words have a wonderful flow, and your rhyming is flawless.
I especially like your ending couplet.
Well done, my friend. Best of luck in the contest. Alana
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Many thanks for your review, Alana
Comment from RGstar
Humorous indeed. I smiled with the shaking of the thing. Glad it functioned as it should. Some of these Hong Kong grown gadgets have to be looked at carefully.
A good humorous write, Tony.
Best wishes,
RG
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
|
Humorous indeed. I smiled with the shaking of the thing. Glad it functioned as it should. Some of these Hong Kong grown gadgets have to be looked at carefully.
A good humorous write, Tony.
Best wishes,
RG
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Many thanks for your review, RG
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Tony,
Congratulations on your creativity with this fun-to-read sonnet. You've written great rhymes and meter with such clever word play.
Hugs,
Lou
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
|
Hi Tony,
Congratulations on your creativity with this fun-to-read sonnet. You've written great rhymes and meter with such clever word play.
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Many thanks for your review, Lou
Comment from ravenblack
Believe it or not, time does slow when you fly...but not that much. And these days, when in flight, you can't afford to get to mad at your devices. Or time will slow to a crawl behind bars.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
|
Believe it or not, time does slow when you fly...but not that much. And these days, when in flight, you can't afford to get to mad at your devices. Or time will slow to a crawl behind bars.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Many thanks for your review, Ravenblack
Comment from livelylinda
Tony: this poem reads like a sonnet but I am not sonnet savy. However, the theme is quite unique and entertaining (although Shakespeare is probably turning in his grave) and I wondered if the story is true or part of your vivid imagination of what might of happened . . . either way, good writing. Linda
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
|
Tony: this poem reads like a sonnet but I am not sonnet savy. However, the theme is quite unique and entertaining (although Shakespeare is probably turning in his grave) and I wondered if the story is true or part of your vivid imagination of what might of happened . . . either way, good writing. Linda
Comment Written 23-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014
-
Pure fiction! Many thanks for your review, Linda.
