Wilderness Encounter
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Chapter 9"A love story of two loners who meet by accident
2 total reviews
Comment from J Patience
I believe this story might be going somewhere interesting, but I had a hard time following it because of the consistently poor sentence structure. I admit that I did not read the whole thing, but in the little bit I did, I found these issues:
Liam's shoulder heals nicely with full use of it back, as well as Connie's arm which is - I suspect you mean to put a comma after "nicely" but the sentence still wouldn't make sense. Also, in this situation, a comma before "which" is necessary.
with a sad look in her eyes says, "Well it's about time - The subject is missing. "She" or "Connie" ought to be mentioned. It reads like a fragment.
neither wants the other to leave just putting on a brave show. - this sentence isn't flowing right. Between "leave" and "putting" maybe you could put something like "they were"
...into the night, passes quietly - the comma isn't necessary, and neither is "into the night." The night is implied in the next sentence.
they are both up early. Neither saying much of anything - The period ought to be a comma. For that matter, the comma after "morning" in that sentence doesn't need to be there.
I have to get ready for work, which is why I haven't read the whole thing. But if you go through and read the story out loud to yourself you might find where it doesn't flow smoothly.
Sorry so short. Keep working on it! Good start!
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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I believe this story might be going somewhere interesting, but I had a hard time following it because of the consistently poor sentence structure. I admit that I did not read the whole thing, but in the little bit I did, I found these issues:
Liam's shoulder heals nicely with full use of it back, as well as Connie's arm which is - I suspect you mean to put a comma after "nicely" but the sentence still wouldn't make sense. Also, in this situation, a comma before "which" is necessary.
with a sad look in her eyes says, "Well it's about time - The subject is missing. "She" or "Connie" ought to be mentioned. It reads like a fragment.
neither wants the other to leave just putting on a brave show. - this sentence isn't flowing right. Between "leave" and "putting" maybe you could put something like "they were"
...into the night, passes quietly - the comma isn't necessary, and neither is "into the night." The night is implied in the next sentence.
they are both up early. Neither saying much of anything - The period ought to be a comma. For that matter, the comma after "morning" in that sentence doesn't need to be there.
I have to get ready for work, which is why I haven't read the whole thing. But if you go through and read the story out loud to yourself you might find where it doesn't flow smoothly.
Sorry so short. Keep working on it! Good start!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2014
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Thank you for your informative review. Have edited some of it already, but have not posted to fan story. I will take a look at the issues you noted. Thank you.
Comment from lindalcreel
I really like where the story is going. A few SPAG in the beginning "to" should be "too". Also taking up should be take up or change eat to eating my food. I think if you stay in the same tense it will read better. Overall a good story and I can't wait to see who the traitor is.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
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I really like where the story is going. A few SPAG in the beginning "to" should be "too". Also taking up should be take up or change eat to eating my food. I think if you stay in the same tense it will read better. Overall a good story and I can't wait to see who the traitor is.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
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Thank you for the informative review. I do appreciate it and will address the items mentioned. Thank you.
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My pleasure.
