Secret Santa
A mass murder at a winter Christmas attraction.30 total reviews
Comment from Erik McGinley
I often cannot be assed with your work but I have to admit that I really enjoyed reading this.
I had these images of Ice Station Zebra and you penning each word with laboured care and you dipped your quill once and again and on again in blood seeping from your maniacly (or manacledly?) severed wrist.
And all these pines wither and die
At just one glance from your shrouded eye.
Every cone drops on salted ground
Merely a droplet 'neath a hoared frown.
In the halls of the aged king
Old Gynt looks with nary a glint
While elves flee and lies take flight,
Gnats alone 'neath eagles' sight.
  |
I often cannot be assed with your work but I have to admit that I really enjoyed reading this.
I had these images of Ice Station Zebra and you penning each word with laboured care and you dipped your quill once and again and on again in blood seeping from your maniacly (or manacledly?) severed wrist.
And all these pines wither and die
At just one glance from your shrouded eye.
Every cone drops on salted ground
Merely a droplet 'neath a hoared frown.
In the halls of the aged king
Old Gynt looks with nary a glint
While elves flee and lies take flight,
Gnats alone 'neath eagles' sight.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, is this ever freaky! Blood and massacre at Santa's place? Your mind sets no limits on what it will touch. LOL! But it's an intriguing plot idea, for sure. :)
|
Wow, is this ever freaky! Blood and massacre at Santa's place? Your mind sets no limits on what it will touch. LOL! But it's an intriguing plot idea, for sure. :)
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
Comment from Joe_P
You have an amazing gift for prose. I found the story intriguing, particularly Angelique's thoughts. What a great name, Angelique Rose. I love spy thrillers. Keep it coming.
I saw a couple of minor errors, missing commas. That's about all. Also you used "expanse of" twice. Try to be careful with ellipses (...) Your first use, I think, is okay, but the second, I would use a comma instead. I try to shun ellipses when I can because many beginning writers tend to use them, and I don't want to be tagged as a rookie writer. I know you are an experienced writer, however.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2014
|
You have an amazing gift for prose. I found the story intriguing, particularly Angelique's thoughts. What a great name, Angelique Rose. I love spy thrillers. Keep it coming.
I saw a couple of minor errors, missing commas. That's about all. Also you used "expanse of" twice. Try to be careful with ellipses (...) Your first use, I think, is okay, but the second, I would use a comma instead. I try to shun ellipses when I can because many beginning writers tend to use them, and I don't want to be tagged as a rookie writer. I know you are an experienced writer, however.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2014
-
Thank you kindly. Not that experienced actually. But, I am prolific. HAhaha. I'm just writing like crazy and taking in everything I can to learn and improve. A crash course! Good tip on the ellipses. I do get a little stuck when I'm trying to show pauses. I'll look for "expanse of" and use something else. I always appreciate anything that will improve a piece. Glad you liked the story. Thanks again, mikey
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Michael - This is an extremely well written first page. You suck people in immediately and know just when to stop. We are left wondering and wanting to now what will happen next. Exactly. what you intended obviously. 'No footprints leading away.... - that's when you really leave the reader anxious for more. A perfect recipe for a first page, expertly written and a good display. Easy to read with good size print well spaced out. You know your business. Good Luck - Regards Dorothy
|
Hi Michael - This is an extremely well written first page. You suck people in immediately and know just when to stop. We are left wondering and wanting to now what will happen next. Exactly. what you intended obviously. 'No footprints leading away.... - that's when you really leave the reader anxious for more. A perfect recipe for a first page, expertly written and a good display. Easy to read with good size print well spaced out. You know your business. Good Luck - Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Oh, this is absolutely excellent. What a fantastic way to start a story and get the reader hooked. I know I was hooked from the first word. I couldn't wait to see what happened and flew through it like crazy. Those 500 words ended all too soon. I love that the hero/protagonist is a woman! I want to read the novel when you get it finished - seriously. This is very well written. Nice job with this. Not a doubt in my mind that this will be a contender for sure.
Suzanne
 |
Oh, this is absolutely excellent. What a fantastic way to start a story and get the reader hooked. I know I was hooked from the first word. I couldn't wait to see what happened and flew through it like crazy. Those 500 words ended all too soon. I love that the hero/protagonist is a woman! I want to read the novel when you get it finished - seriously. This is very well written. Nice job with this. Not a doubt in my mind that this will be a contender for sure.
Suzanne
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
Agood write and a well written story. I enjoyed reading your story and have no reason to suggest any changes to the script. Thanks. Mary
|
Agood write and a well written story. I enjoyed reading your story and have no reason to suggest any changes to the script. Thanks. Mary
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
Comment from Neonewman
Captivating piece, I enjoyes this story throughout its entirety and I want to read more please. This is an awesome entry for the 1st page writing prompt. God Bless and good luck.
|
Captivating piece, I enjoyes this story throughout its entirety and I want to read more please. This is an awesome entry for the 1st page writing prompt. God Bless and good luck.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
Comment from Dawn Munro
Hmm... this is definitely intriguing for a first page, which is precisely what's needed to capture the reader's imagination and attention. I found one sentence a bit confusing with the punctuation used though: "I'd like to say I cleverly..."
It could just be me. (*grin*)
Best of luck in the contest.
|
Hmm... this is definitely intriguing for a first page, which is precisely what's needed to capture the reader's imagination and attention. I found one sentence a bit confusing with the punctuation used though: "I'd like to say I cleverly..."
It could just be me. (*grin*)
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
Comment from perpetualwallflower
Wow! I really want to find out what happens next. This is a great first page! This left me on the edge of my seat, it's really exciting. I think you'll do really well on the contest! Good luck !
|
Wow! I really want to find out what happens next. This is a great first page! This left me on the edge of my seat, it's really exciting. I think you'll do really well on the contest! Good luck !
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h, a Santa's Slay tale, how delightfully decadent & juicy, Author 'M'. Oh, there's no denying your tell-tell formatting and unique style, my friend. I've seen it many times, up close, staring up at it from the bottom of the heaping pile of contest entries below you, LOL... I'm sure that this contest won't be any different, except I won't be one of the victims this time out.
One tough broad indeed. Shot...knifed, hacked or chopped? We don't know, and aren't made privy to that information. Besides, if we knew everything right from the get-go, why should we feel compelled to read any further?
And the Sinister Santa? We Know he's up to no good, a momma's boy, I'd wager.
The detectives will soon be on the "who's naughty, who's nice?" list with their cap if they don't get crackin' on this case pronto.
I would wish you luck in the contest, but then again, I doubt that you'll need it.
|
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h, a Santa's Slay tale, how delightfully decadent & juicy, Author 'M'. Oh, there's no denying your tell-tell formatting and unique style, my friend. I've seen it many times, up close, staring up at it from the bottom of the heaping pile of contest entries below you, LOL... I'm sure that this contest won't be any different, except I won't be one of the victims this time out.
One tough broad indeed. Shot...knifed, hacked or chopped? We don't know, and aren't made privy to that information. Besides, if we knew everything right from the get-go, why should we feel compelled to read any further?
And the Sinister Santa? We Know he's up to no good, a momma's boy, I'd wager.
The detectives will soon be on the "who's naughty, who's nice?" list with their cap if they don't get crackin' on this case pronto.
I would wish you luck in the contest, but then again, I doubt that you'll need it.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
