Lost Key
flash fiction contest entry 'Lost'26 total reviews
Comment from PatVallesMangan
I applaud you for writing this story. I lost my mother to Alzheimer's Disease and it is a nightmare. The author is able to tell both sides of the story which makes this so special. God Bless you my friend and may your friend and her family be blessed to. Hugs ~
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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I applaud you for writing this story. I lost my mother to Alzheimer's Disease and it is a nightmare. The author is able to tell both sides of the story which makes this so special. God Bless you my friend and may your friend and her family be blessed to. Hugs ~
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hi. Thanks for the review. It is a terrible thing for families. Thank you for sharing.
padumachitta
Comment from Nosha17
It is good to highlight this crippling disease and it is very well written with sincerity and emotion. You have captured the essence of the seriousness of the disease in your story, the characters are well drawn and the dialogue good. I spotted a small error, Para 4, loses himself. Enjoyable read, good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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It is good to highlight this crippling disease and it is very well written with sincerity and emotion. You have captured the essence of the seriousness of the disease in your story, the characters are well drawn and the dialogue good. I spotted a small error, Para 4, loses himself. Enjoyable read, good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hi Faye. Thanks for the review and well wishes. and many thanks for picking up a mistake:-)
padumachitta
Comment from patcelaw
Alzheimer's is such a difficult thing for a spouse to deal with. I thank God I was touched with it. My husband was very much aware to his last breath. I did have one time though where i got a little glimpse of it. I was in the mental health center and a woman was brought in who was Alzheimer's She spent much of her day cursing. I knew since she was in her late 80's that she probably had not been raised to curse. I sat on the couch with her and began to sing hymns with her. She sang right along with me, and the rest of that day she did not curse.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Alzheimer's is such a difficult thing for a spouse to deal with. I thank God I was touched with it. My husband was very much aware to his last breath. I did have one time though where i got a little glimpse of it. I was in the mental health center and a woman was brought in who was Alzheimer's She spent much of her day cursing. I knew since she was in her late 80's that she probably had not been raised to curse. I sat on the couch with her and began to sing hymns with her. She sang right along with me, and the rest of that day she did not curse.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hi. Thanks for the review and sharing. They do have times of calm and clarity. I applaud your kindness to this woman.
padumachitta
Comment from ravenblack
Making that phone call is one decision I pray that I will never have to make in regards to me or my folks. I had a great grandfather who would sometimes fly into rages. When he mistook his daughter, my grandmother who was taking care of him, as an intruder and beat her pretty badly, that call was made. You have handled the couple with tenderness, fully fleshed-out in a flash fiction which is not exactly easy to do.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Making that phone call is one decision I pray that I will never have to make in regards to me or my folks. I had a great grandfather who would sometimes fly into rages. When he mistook his daughter, my grandmother who was taking care of him, as an intruder and beat her pretty badly, that call was made. You have handled the couple with tenderness, fully fleshed-out in a flash fiction which is not exactly easy to do.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hi. Thanks for the review and sharing. Your family must have hurt terribly with your Grandpa.
padumachitta
Comment from TAB_that's me
This was chilling and all too familiar as my Dad had Alzheimer's. He never got violent but he would accuse my Mom of things and he would get angry with her and he had never been like that. Good luck in your contest:)
teresa
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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This was chilling and all too familiar as my Dad had Alzheimer's. He never got violent but he would accuse my Mom of things and he would get angry with her and he had never been like that. Good luck in your contest:)
teresa
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Hey Teresa Thanks for the review and well wishes. It is the change of personlaity that really hurts.
padumachitta
Comment from Winslow
Dear padumachitta,
Somehow I found this story dissatisfying. One improvement for me would be to have it in first person. (Mary) It would make it much more powerful, at least for me. The other thing is Jack's violence toward Mary. I know dementia patients can become angry and mean, but Jack is in the early stages and wouldn't start beating his wife since he still has too firm a grip on reality and loves Mary dearly.
One of the problems with a 100 word story is that it is too constricting. After the contest, I'd like to see this expanded since it is a good start to a super story. Dementia is a very difficult affliction to deal with. You write well in a realistic style and could expand on the conflict. I could easily see this being a seven star tale.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Dear padumachitta,
Somehow I found this story dissatisfying. One improvement for me would be to have it in first person. (Mary) It would make it much more powerful, at least for me. The other thing is Jack's violence toward Mary. I know dementia patients can become angry and mean, but Jack is in the early stages and wouldn't start beating his wife since he still has too firm a grip on reality and loves Mary dearly.
One of the problems with a 100 word story is that it is too constricting. After the contest, I'd like to see this expanded since it is a good start to a super story. Dementia is a very difficult affliction to deal with. You write well in a realistic style and could expand on the conflict. I could easily see this being a seven star tale.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi Winslow. Thanks for the review and the suggestions. I will take them into account. The word restriction makes this hard. I am still playing with it a bit.
My father had diabetes related dementia/alzheimers...he got violent and angry quite early on...and was much like Jack, so it is from my dad that I drew the symptoms...he just lost it at times, didn't matter who was in his sight line.
thanks for the encouragement...I have lots of time to play with this.
I appreciate your comments.
padumachitta
Comment from gypsycaravan
There is too little written about the suffering of those afflicted both by the loved ones and those helplessly observing themselves slip into oblivion. Your story is well-written and well told. Thank you for the story and the reminder that we need to pay more attention to those currently experiencing this tragedy.
A couple typos;
1. sees a few of skeins of wool-delete the first "of" in the phrase
2. He advances forward his fist held at the ready--comma after "forward"
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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There is too little written about the suffering of those afflicted both by the loved ones and those helplessly observing themselves slip into oblivion. Your story is well-written and well told. Thank you for the story and the reminder that we need to pay more attention to those currently experiencing this tragedy.
A couple typos;
1. sees a few of skeins of wool-delete the first "of" in the phrase
2. He advances forward his fist held at the ready--comma after "forward"
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hey. Thank you for your review and comments. And thanky ou very much for picking up some SPAG:-) I will learn, but I still miss things...urgh.
padumachitta
Comment from livelylinda
padumachitta: you have written a story about a subject which touches so many lives every day. There is a lady at my church, was a college professor just a few years ago, a kind, loving woman, whom we watch slowly decline and become more and more forgetful as Alzheimer's claims her. It is a horrid disease as most diseases are. Good luck in the contest with this story. livelylinda
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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padumachitta: you have written a story about a subject which touches so many lives every day. There is a lady at my church, was a college professor just a few years ago, a kind, loving woman, whom we watch slowly decline and become more and more forgetful as Alzheimer's claims her. It is a horrid disease as most diseases are. Good luck in the contest with this story. livelylinda
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi Linda
Thanks for a lovely review and the well wishes.
padumachitta
Comment from Jackarrie
This is a very well written story, it is the same situation that my friend is going through at present. So sad after years of happiness to end up with this horrible illness Alzheimer's
A great story to share as it is happening to so many of us.
Well written, a deserved six
Mary
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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This is a very well written story, it is the same situation that my friend is going through at present. So sad after years of happiness to end up with this horrible illness Alzheimer's
A great story to share as it is happening to so many of us.
Well written, a deserved six
Mary
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi Mayry- Thanks for the golden star and the comments. I appreciate your support.
padumachitta
Comment from adewpearl
Scratching his head, he can't - add comma
you work back story in effectively
excellent character development
oh god, Mary, - add commas for direct address
excellent use of dialogue to convey genuine emotion
Everyday I'm more lost - Every day
Sitting side by side, Jack - add comma
a moving, poignant closing
Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Scratching his head, he can't - add comma
you work back story in effectively
excellent character development
oh god, Mary, - add commas for direct address
excellent use of dialogue to convey genuine emotion
Everyday I'm more lost - Every day
Sitting side by side, Jack - add comma
a moving, poignant closing
Brooke
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hey Brooke. Thank you for the review and picking up my SPAG. I know this when you point it out. You taught me all this:-)
I wish I knew why it is so hard to keep in my head, it's like math problems. I knew the formula, it didn't seem to matter..
Oh well, practice makes master...
Thanks for your patience with your remedial student:-)
padumachitta
