Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "A New Ally, A New Assisstant"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
18 total reviews
Comment from drivenbackward
Another winning chapter, Mikey. You really nail the dialogue -- at least that's how it seems. A few notes to consider:
She blanched as she saw a sword come towards her. -- 'toward' (no 's' when writing for US audience). Finally caught something!
She gazed off towards the horizon. -- " Also, you used 'toward' twice in this paragraph. No big deal, just mentioning it.
"What is it, son, is she injured?" -- Consider new sentence after 'son'
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Another winning chapter, Mikey. You really nail the dialogue -- at least that's how it seems. A few notes to consider:
She blanched as she saw a sword come towards her. -- 'toward' (no 's' when writing for US audience). Finally caught something!
She gazed off towards the horizon. -- " Also, you used 'toward' twice in this paragraph. No big deal, just mentioning it.
"What is it, son, is she injured?" -- Consider new sentence after 'son'
Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from robina1978
I don't see any mistakes at all, also can't give you suggestions- too little fantasy. Book is a gorgeous mixture between fantasy, history and what not more.
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I don't see any mistakes at all, also can't give you suggestions- too little fantasy. Book is a gorgeous mixture between fantasy, history and what not more.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from gypsycaravan
How frightening it must be to see and hear what others cannot. You must feel entirely alone in your fear. You have developed a powerful, thought provoking story for this reader, mikey, because I believe strongly in reincarnation and have read many accounts of people who remember parts of their past lives. After reading your story, I'm rather glad I don't remember mine, enough to contend with the current one. Ha
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How frightening it must be to see and hear what others cannot. You must feel entirely alone in your fear. You have developed a powerful, thought provoking story for this reader, mikey, because I believe strongly in reincarnation and have read many accounts of people who remember parts of their past lives. After reading your story, I'm rather glad I don't remember mine, enough to contend with the current one. Ha
Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Wonderful. Things are unfolding beautifully. This is becoming a novel within a novel which is fine. If the story warrents it then go for it. This story is playing out as it should. Great instincts!!!
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Wonderful. Things are unfolding beautifully. This is becoming a novel within a novel which is fine. If the story warrents it then go for it. This story is playing out as it should. Great instincts!!!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
DOes Julia really think it's all in her deluded mind and not real now? That might help her to survive. And now that she's been "killed" in that former life, perhaps she's all caught up to date on her lives and can start living in THIS one.
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DOes Julia really think it's all in her deluded mind and not real now? That might help her to survive. And now that she's been "killed" in that former life, perhaps she's all caught up to date on her lives and can start living in THIS one.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow, only one nit and it occurred in the introduction. I have a hunch this incarnation of Julia and Valerius is going to be the longest in the book. There is so much meat to it. Each time I am more surprised at the turn it's taken.
He hoped his father would be acceptine of his idea [accepting]
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Wow, only one nit and it occurred in the introduction. I have a hunch this incarnation of Julia and Valerius is going to be the longest in the book. There is so much meat to it. Each time I am more surprised at the turn it's taken.
He hoped his father would be acceptine of his idea [accepting]
Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from CR Delport
Seems like Lourdes and her daughter will fit in just fine on the farm. Julia had a serious flashback and by the sound of it, experienced her previous death on the battlefield. That is very traumatizing, but her brother and father don't quite understand. Another great chapter.
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Seems like Lourdes and her daughter will fit in just fine on the farm. Julia had a serious flashback and by the sound of it, experienced her previous death on the battlefield. That is very traumatizing, but her brother and father don't quite understand. Another great chapter.
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Comment Written 17-Oct-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
I notice that you are engaging in Roman slang. I feel that you are becoming a little more comfortable and confident. Your words pour like honey. No grammar to worry about. I usually don't bother with looking at nit picky things like misplace commas, ect. Some types I have typing errors because I have to focus on my keyboard, because I never took typing. Believe me, if they can't find a SPAG, they will pull a monkey out of their hat -- it seems? The plot thickens and grows. See that you introduced Thurston. Looks like a family in the making. The father has accepted the woman and girl into the family. It would be most beneficial to the father and son. He could use an assistant, somewhat a helper, like a nurse aid. Characters are evolving as their unique personality takes root. I see the effort to unite a family, the woman met on hermit's road and child. Nice chapter. You are evolving as an author. The more you write prose, the better insight you get. This is a virtual six, since I am a poor peasant with five bits. Count your doubloon. wackydo
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I notice that you are engaging in Roman slang. I feel that you are becoming a little more comfortable and confident. Your words pour like honey. No grammar to worry about. I usually don't bother with looking at nit picky things like misplace commas, ect. Some types I have typing errors because I have to focus on my keyboard, because I never took typing. Believe me, if they can't find a SPAG, they will pull a monkey out of their hat -- it seems? The plot thickens and grows. See that you introduced Thurston. Looks like a family in the making. The father has accepted the woman and girl into the family. It would be most beneficial to the father and son. He could use an assistant, somewhat a helper, like a nurse aid. Characters are evolving as their unique personality takes root. I see the effort to unite a family, the woman met on hermit's road and child. Nice chapter. You are evolving as an author. The more you write prose, the better insight you get. This is a virtual six, since I am a poor peasant with five bits. Count your doubloon. wackydo
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2014
