Cut and Run
A Salon Vivant Mystery53 total reviews
Comment from gypsycaravan
I can see I am going to enjoy this story. Your characters are already well developed in this first part or chapter. Your metaphors delightful and SPAG missing so distraction gone. Your end of write transition is fabulous leaving the reader anxious to see how Nikki handles the problem of Deidre. Great start to this story.
one suggestion:
1. Business decision are always a crap shoot.--either change "are" to "is" because "decision" is singular or add and "s" to "decision to make it plural.
paragraph 4 is terrific-really liked it.
Artwork
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
  |
I can see I am going to enjoy this story. Your characters are already well developed in this first part or chapter. Your metaphors delightful and SPAG missing so distraction gone. Your end of write transition is fabulous leaving the reader anxious to see how Nikki handles the problem of Deidre. Great start to this story.
one suggestion:
1. Business decision are always a crap shoot.--either change "are" to "is" because "decision" is singular or add and "s" to "decision to make it plural.
paragraph 4 is terrific-really liked it.
Artwork
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Hi, Gypsycaravan. Thank you for this very encouraging and helpful review. Especially since it's the opening line, I am so glad you caught that error. I edited last night and wasn't seeing very clearly! I always swear I'm never to going to make any change after 9 P.M. but don't always stick with that.
I really appreciate your time and attention.
Warm regards, Bev
-
I forgot to add that the artwork you chose was stunning. This is a really "choice" piece of writing.
Comment from TamzinWhite
You have produced a witty, clever, engaging piece of writing.
Anyone who can turn the mundane into art is an artist. You have done that, clearly.
Your words command to be read, therefore only a 6 will do!
Well done!!!
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
 |
You have produced a witty, clever, engaging piece of writing.
Anyone who can turn the mundane into art is an artist. You have done that, clearly.
Your words command to be read, therefore only a 6 will do!
Well done!!!
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Thanks so much, Tamzin. I really appreciate your very generous and encouraging review. Thank you for taking time to read. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Nosha17
Well written story with interesting characters and strong story line. Your descriptions of setting were well written and the dialogue sharp. Interesting to read what happens next instalment. Enjoyable read. Faye
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
Well written story with interesting characters and strong story line. Your descriptions of setting were well written and the dialogue sharp. Interesting to read what happens next instalment. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Nosh, thank you very much for this very encouraging review. I really appreciate you taking time to read! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from lindalcreel
Young people don't have the same work ethic as us old times. I can remember working sick until my nurse manager finally insisted that I go home and rest. Back then the pharmacist would send some Sudaphed or something to help get us through the day, but that doesn't happen anymore. Pity, those were good times.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
Young people don't have the same work ethic as us old times. I can remember working sick until my nurse manager finally insisted that I go home and rest. Back then the pharmacist would send some Sudaphed or something to help get us through the day, but that doesn't happen anymore. Pity, those were good times.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Boy, does that ever seem to be the case, Lindal. I never missed a day of work for the first ten years of my job! I came in no matter what.
Thanks for the great review and for your generous six. I do appreciate it.
Warm regards, Bev
-
My pleasure:)
Comment from N.K. Wagner
You mean Deidre's not fired on the spot? Wow! Are you nice! I dug into this with both hands, Bev. Hope you don't mind.
the Festival is expected to swell our local population by ten-fold.- omit "by"
Chamber of Commerce's rhetoric touting, as fact, that more visitors - no commas
That translates to more revenue for the restaurants and brew pubs, and not for mom and pop-type businesses.- I'd
omit "and" after the comma (the understood conjunction might better be "but").
Add a cell phone to that mix and you've got loco in motion. - made me smile. Very good.
It's Wednesday, and I don't have any clients planned for the day. The day is devoted to attending to bookwork - consider: I don't have any clients planned for today. (My) Wednesdays are devoted to...
Exiting my mid-town condo, a light breeze off the bay and the exotic scent of day lilies jazzes my mood. - passive voice. consider: The exotic scent of day lilies (do they have a scent? - I think you mean Asiatic lilies) jazzes my mood as I leave my midtown condo.
An added bonus is the fact that, due to the early hour, tourists are still in bed and off the streets. - consider: At this hour, the tourists are still in bed, leaving the streets all but deserted.
Due to the density of development in the city center, there are only four spots off the alley behind my business for customers entering the rear of my salon. During the Harvest festival, I have to be on the alert for people sneaking into those precious spots in order to avoid the parking garage fee. - why is this important? It slows the action. I'd omit.
A great beginning. Can't wait for the next installment.
:) Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
You mean Deidre's not fired on the spot? Wow! Are you nice! I dug into this with both hands, Bev. Hope you don't mind.
the Festival is expected to swell our local population by ten-fold.- omit "by"
Chamber of Commerce's rhetoric touting, as fact, that more visitors - no commas
That translates to more revenue for the restaurants and brew pubs, and not for mom and pop-type businesses.- I'd
omit "and" after the comma (the understood conjunction might better be "but").
Add a cell phone to that mix and you've got loco in motion. - made me smile. Very good.
It's Wednesday, and I don't have any clients planned for the day. The day is devoted to attending to bookwork - consider: I don't have any clients planned for today. (My) Wednesdays are devoted to...
Exiting my mid-town condo, a light breeze off the bay and the exotic scent of day lilies jazzes my mood. - passive voice. consider: The exotic scent of day lilies (do they have a scent? - I think you mean Asiatic lilies) jazzes my mood as I leave my midtown condo.
An added bonus is the fact that, due to the early hour, tourists are still in bed and off the streets. - consider: At this hour, the tourists are still in bed, leaving the streets all but deserted.
Due to the density of development in the city center, there are only four spots off the alley behind my business for customers entering the rear of my salon. During the Harvest festival, I have to be on the alert for people sneaking into those precious spots in order to avoid the parking garage fee. - why is this important? It slows the action. I'd omit.
A great beginning. Can't wait for the next installment.
:) Nancy
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Hi, Nancy. Thank you much for this very helpful review. I appreciate the thought that went into tightening the story. :) Bev
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
As always very well done. Really enjoying the story and look forward to the next part. Hope all is well with you. I just got back for CA. Went to my sweet niece's wedding. Was beautiful and had a wonderful time with family but it was so HOT and my one bro doesn't like to use his A/C. I almost died. =} The other bro has a wife who has to have A/C and fans going 24/y, God bless her. =} Hope you have a great week. Rox
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
As always very well done. Really enjoying the story and look forward to the next part. Hope all is well with you. I just got back for CA. Went to my sweet niece's wedding. Was beautiful and had a wonderful time with family but it was so HOT and my one bro doesn't like to use his A/C. I almost died. =} The other bro has a wife who has to have A/C and fans going 24/y, God bless her. =} Hope you have a great week. Rox
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Hi, Rox. Thanks for the great review. I know what you mean about the heat. The recent hot spell here was nice for some, but meant more sweating for me. I, too, thank God for AC and fans!
Great to hear from you, and I appreciate your reading.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from CR Delport
Sounds like it can turn into a very interesting story. Is it going to be a short story or novel? This is very well written and you establish the main character well. Good job.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
Sounds like it can turn into a very interesting story. Is it going to be a short story or novel? This is very well written and you establish the main character well. Good job.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
An extended short story at this point, CR. Writing in first person is a challenge for me, so I'm hoping this will draw out some good suggestions for improvement. So far, it definitely has LoL. Thanks for the encouragement and support. :) Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"that more visitors equate TO more sales for small business owners." My instincts tell me you should remove the TO. I think 'equate' means 'equal to' so the "to' is included in the word. Check it out, Bev.
Interesting intro to your story and characters. Can't tell where you're going with it yet. Guess I'll have to wait for the next installment. Next!
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
"that more visitors equate TO more sales for small business owners." My instincts tell me you should remove the TO. I think 'equate' means 'equal to' so the "to' is included in the word. Check it out, Bev.
Interesting intro to your story and characters. Can't tell where you're going with it yet. Guess I'll have to wait for the next installment. Next!
Comment Written 29-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Hi, Adrienne. Thanks for the great review and suggestion. I think I'll just change it to equal. Problem solved! Glad you liked the first installment.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Jay Squires
Ok-aye! A mystery crime novel. A fine opening chapter, developing character and setting and establishing a conflict that should enlarge and begin to layer Nikki's character.
Just one sentence gave me pause, Bev.
For a moment, I'm lost in images that conjures for me, [Bev, this sentence troubles me. At first I thought it was a lapse in agreement between "images" and "conjure"; then, when I divined your actual intention I added "Which" before "that" (since enhanced pleasure) is what "that" is replacing). I'll leave the puzzle up to you, just saying for me it just doesn't sound right.]
I'll be waiting!
Jay
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
|
Ok-aye! A mystery crime novel. A fine opening chapter, developing character and setting and establishing a conflict that should enlarge and begin to layer Nikki's character.
Just one sentence gave me pause, Bev.
For a moment, I'm lost in images that conjures for me, [Bev, this sentence troubles me. At first I thought it was a lapse in agreement between "images" and "conjure"; then, when I divined your actual intention I added "Which" before "that" (since enhanced pleasure) is what "that" is replacing). I'll leave the puzzle up to you, just saying for me it just doesn't sound right.]
I'll be waiting!
Jay
Comment Written 29-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
-
Hi, Jay. This is an extended short story. I've written two other shorts around this character and decided to bring her out of mothballs. Like most women, I've spent a fair share of my life in 'beauty salons'. There is an interesting twist coming up.
Thanks for the kind review and suggestion which I've incorporated.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Neonewman
Captivating piece you have written, I was never lost in your work and my attention was held throughout the story. You definitely have what it takes to be a writer, so write on! God Bless!
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014
|
Captivating piece you have written, I was never lost in your work and my attention was held throughout the story. You definitely have what it takes to be a writer, so write on! God Bless!
Comment Written 29-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014
-
Thank you so much for this very kind and encouraging review, N.
:) Bev
