Comment from SteveY

Excellent

Sometimes I think the man on the bench smiles not with a desperate plea but because he's already found what the rest of us are still frantically rushing around looking for.

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thanks, Steve - that's an interesting interpretation!

Steve

Comment from Linda England Bonam

Excellent

With so few syllables you managed to paint an entire picture in my mind. I can see his smile of desperation.
You did an awesome job for the entry.

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thanks, Linda!

Steve

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

Oh this is very Simon and Art Garfunkle. The sound of silence..I am a rock I am an island...sometimes we are like that island . This guy on a park bench desperate ..lonely
God bless

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Yes, I love that song - I did try to get a touch of that oxymoron silent/sound in here.

Steve

Comment from Glasstruth

Excellent

We never notice the other man's silence because we're too busy being in our own world. The park bench, a place for all, but the public doesn't look that way. So, he's all alone. At least, that's my interpretation. Well crafted. Les

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thanks, Les. Another reviewer has just suggested we are too afraid to look into his eyes because we will see our own desperation reflected there....

Steve

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

excellent pairing of photo and poem
Your poem of 25 syllables in 4 lines is in excellent naani format
good alliteration of soft S words
vivid descriptive detail
excellent use of enjambment to make the four lines one continuous statement
you create well the mood of this lonely man, desperate for human interaction
Brooke

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thanks, Brooke.

Thought I might as well have a ticket in the naani lottery.... :O)

Steve

Comment from LadyCosgrove

Excellent

Such an air of loneliness in these words. I wonder if anyone smiles back - I would, but then I am known to be slightly eccentric ...so does that count?
Great piece - I like it very much.

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Yes, the world needs all the eccentrics it can get!

Thanks for stopping by.

Steve

reply by LadyCosgrove on 20-Sep-2014

Great news! :-)

Comment from Lovinia

Excellent

Hi Steve

An excellent naani for the contest. Superb presentation. Syllable count correct.

I imagine so many will understand this ... I've seen many of those faces on public benches ... some I've connected with and we've shared a brief encounter of spirit and mind ... sometimes just a nod or a smile.

Your poem provides social commentary for so many issues .... homeless, the lonely, depression, a loss of someone dear ... perhaps even someone with intent to commit suicide .... wanting someone to reach out and 'know' - even a smile may make a difference. OR even someone who needs help ... lost with dementia, or simply old age and minor memory lost, diabetic confusion, heart attack or stroke.

I don't like to be a sticky beak ... I do like to be aware of my surroundings.

I think your poem reads with smooth flow, some nice alliteration with the 's' throughout. Good consonance of 'i', 'o', 'a', 'e'. A thoughtful and thought provoking poem which also evokes strong emotions. Well done and I wish you luck in the contest. Deserves a six. Hugs - Lovi xoxox

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thanks, Lovi

Yes, many have commented that they know this scene well.

I deliberately wanted to leave the back-story very open so that the reader could bring his/her own interpretation to the piece, as you have suggested.

Thanks again for the fine review.

Steve

reply by Lovinia on 19-Sep-2014

Good luck in the contest ... an excellent poem. :))) Hugs - Lovi xoxo

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

Sorry, I'm out of sixes already Steve. I must have been giddy this week.
You tell pretty much a complete story with your naani.
I like that you call him 'the silent man'--it has character.
I also like all 's' sounds.

I wonder if park benches are more prone to peeling that fading?

Just a thought.

Best of luck with the Committee.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thanks, Lee.

I see these short form contests as little more than lotteries, so I buy my ticket like anybody else.

Glad you liked the 'silent man' - many reviewers tell me they know him...

Perhaps I should have just left out 'faded'....

Which reminds me of the most wonderful short story called 'Uncle (somebody's) wonderful adjective cellar', which amongst other things provides pretty cool evidence for how to improve your writing by stripping it of adjectives and has a really neat scene where all the collected adjectives are emptied out the window and drift into the conversation of a couple of housewives down below....

Worth googling if you ever have time.

Steve

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

The picture shows it; you illuminate the desperation and loneliness of the poor guy. Your choice of 'silent', 'faded', desperate' as descriptors here set the mood for your naani with more questions asked/implied than answers given. That makes it a great little thought provoker. Good luck.

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Thank you.

I deliberately wanted to leave the back-story very open so that the reader could bring his/her own interpretation to the piece.

Steve

Comment from flamingstar

Excellent

The only hitch here is that the gentleman on THIS park bench looks mighty comfortable and self-assured (at first glance, I thought I was looking at Paul McCartney's back!), whereas the subject of the poem is mute and dejected.

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 19-Sep-2014

Even Paul mcCartney had his doubts about 'when I'm 64'! And he's well past that now.

Thanks for the review.

Steve