Love and Phoenix Tears
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Hogsmeade II"A Harry Potter fanfiction!
4 total reviews
Comment from susand3022
Ahhhhh..... There's always a spot of perfect bliss in the midst of a nightmare... except for last night when a bat was suddenly flying around my bedroom from out of nowhere... no spot of perfect bliss in the midst of that! lol
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
  |
Ahhhhh..... There's always a spot of perfect bliss in the midst of a nightmare... except for last night when a bat was suddenly flying around my bedroom from out of nowhere... no spot of perfect bliss in the midst of that! lol
Comment Written 08-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
-
OMG there was a BAT in your bedroom last night!? That sounds terrifying, so sorry to hear that!
Comment from Winslow
Dear Alexandra,
You write well and similar to Rawlings. The only problem is I don't think you could ever publish this. It seems all is going to be great between James and Lily.
I imagine you have read all the Harry Potter books. As the series progressed they became darker and darker.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
|
Dear Alexandra,
You write well and similar to Rawlings. The only problem is I don't think you could ever publish this. It seems all is going to be great between James and Lily.
I imagine you have read all the Harry Potter books. As the series progressed they became darker and darker.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
-
Thank you for your comment! It's not for publishing, just for fun! I'm a huge fan of the Harry Potter books, and was always fascinated by Harry's parents and their whole crew.
Comment from José Ángel
Excellent story, I enjoyed it for how you develop the plot and also wrap the reader as it is intriguing. My congratulations, a hug from Chile. Deserving of these 5 stars
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
|
Excellent story, I enjoyed it for how you develop the plot and also wrap the reader as it is intriguing. My congratulations, a hug from Chile. Deserving of these 5 stars
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
-
Thanks! I appreciate your comment and reading of my chapter!
Comment from drivenbackward
Hi, Alexandra. Well done. A few notes to consider:
He whirled around flamboyantly -- Delete 'flamboyantly'. Telling. Plus, this is already indicated by the whirling.
but she knew she had to go - it was her duty as Head Girl to keep the younger years safe -- Dash, not hyphen.
"Where are all of the professors?" She demanded, -- 'she demanded'. Use lowercase after question marks and exclamation points in dialogue. I know ... it's weird.
fifth year -- Needs hyphen.
Ah, shit. -- Huh? I'm not a big fan of Harry Potter, but do they say 'shit'?
"How charming." He spat, as though the word left a foul taste in his mouth -- This is a speech tag. You need a comma after 'charming'. Then 'he spat'
I am alive, she thought in surprise, we're both alive! -- Thoughts in italics, not bold.
"James, I ... this might be an odd time ..." -- Correct usage of ellipsis on the first one, but when it ends a thought, it should be connected, like this... You can also add a fourth dot as a period.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
|
Hi, Alexandra. Well done. A few notes to consider:
He whirled around flamboyantly -- Delete 'flamboyantly'. Telling. Plus, this is already indicated by the whirling.
but she knew she had to go - it was her duty as Head Girl to keep the younger years safe -- Dash, not hyphen.
"Where are all of the professors?" She demanded, -- 'she demanded'. Use lowercase after question marks and exclamation points in dialogue. I know ... it's weird.
fifth year -- Needs hyphen.
Ah, shit. -- Huh? I'm not a big fan of Harry Potter, but do they say 'shit'?
"How charming." He spat, as though the word left a foul taste in his mouth -- This is a speech tag. You need a comma after 'charming'. Then 'he spat'
I am alive, she thought in surprise, we're both alive! -- Thoughts in italics, not bold.
"James, I ... this might be an odd time ..." -- Correct usage of ellipsis on the first one, but when it ends a thought, it should be connected, like this... You can also add a fourth dot as a period.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
-
Hi! Thank you very much for your kind review and for taking the time to read! I appreciate your critiques, especially the one about the lowercase after a question mark. I had no idea about that! Thank you again!
-
No problem. :)
