I am going to be a Texas Ranger
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Little Texas Ranger "It is story of an honest Mexican Police officer
3 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
There are bursts of passion, emotion, and description that draws me into feeling as a character in your story. Your story has tons of potential. I read your third chapter, but didn't review it. I enjoyed it enough that I have come back to read your first two chapters. There is some polishing to be done, but mostly little things that will build you a bigger following and better reviews on Fan Story. First, remember that it's easier to keep a readers attention on Fan Story if the paragraphs are smaller and spaced. Secondly, try to keep each posted chapter to less than 2,000 words, and 1,400 to 1,600 whenever possible. Thanks for the nice read, and I look forward to reading more. Great job. :-)
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>>"Let me not waste your time; I want to come to the point; I want your(niece)" said the Capitan without mincing the words.
>>... but was about to lose that chance of unloading his(niece) on someone with good prospects of getting few Pesos every now and then in the future.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2014
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There are bursts of passion, emotion, and description that draws me into feeling as a character in your story. Your story has tons of potential. I read your third chapter, but didn't review it. I enjoyed it enough that I have come back to read your first two chapters. There is some polishing to be done, but mostly little things that will build you a bigger following and better reviews on Fan Story. First, remember that it's easier to keep a readers attention on Fan Story if the paragraphs are smaller and spaced. Secondly, try to keep each posted chapter to less than 2,000 words, and 1,400 to 1,600 whenever possible. Thanks for the nice read, and I look forward to reading more. Great job. :-)
>>"Let me not waste your time; I want to come to the point; I want your
>>... but was about to lose that chance of unloading his
Comment Written 20-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2014
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I thank you for your guidance but I must confess that I cannot edit effectively after uploading the story. For some reason cut and paste mod deletes the space between paragraphs and end of lines also get bit out of sight on the screen. I am learning to edit it after loading up. I will follow your advice.
Comment from mmjg65
Okay, I think you have the makings of a great story, here. You're tackling tough subjects in the desperation of poverty and the actions people can take to alleviate that desperation. I applaud your ambition.
Before I launch into this, please bear in mind that I read this entire work and I think its got lots of potential.
It does however, need a lot of work.
First and foremost, try to let your story make your points for you. Making political statements in the middle of a paragraph breaks the narrative flow. An example of this is:
"She, in the Mexico was not alone; there are such women all over the world from the ghettos of Brazil and India to most of the third and forth world. It looks like the condemnation of Eve by God in the Genesis seems to be taking place in the form of atrocities committed every second; as it is a self fulfilling prophecy."
This paragraph is mostly political statement and may be the point of your story, but it is not the story itself. This story is one-quarter story and three quarters non fictional political essay, making it hard to get into the story at all.
Try using Melissa' and Carlos's tribulations, their successes and failures, their fears and desires to make these points. Don't worry that people won't get it. They will, and the message will be much more powerful than a dry interjection of facts.
Also, the passage above contains grammatical errors, is wordy ( I struggle with wordiness too, every day), and is difficult to follow. Your story has loads of grammatical errors. I will outline a few of them
Run on sentences.
"In any case there was no profit in the sale except few bucks for the brew as the suitors were not having enough Pesos for him to buy few goats so he was waiting for a better luck and now, he saw his gamble paying the dividends." This is a perfect example of a run on sentence.
Articles "a", "an", and "the" are missing or misplaced everywhere throughout this tale.
Spelling errors, typos, over-capitalization, and synonym substitution.
"boarder for border", "Heaven for "haven", "loosing" for losing", "there" for "their", "nice" for "niece", "Carlos Pleaded", Miguel knew the Janitor", "They drove straight to the Motel", and so on.
Okay, enough for now. Don't get discouraged by reviews like this one. I took the time to read the story and write this to you because I think it's worth my time to do so. The political points you make in this story are actually quite well-thought out and for the most part ably presented.
The non-fiction writing contest sponsored by FanStory might be a good place to air them. That way you could get them out, and keep them from clogging up your story.
Keep on writing!:-)
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2014
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Okay, I think you have the makings of a great story, here. You're tackling tough subjects in the desperation of poverty and the actions people can take to alleviate that desperation. I applaud your ambition.
Before I launch into this, please bear in mind that I read this entire work and I think its got lots of potential.
It does however, need a lot of work.
First and foremost, try to let your story make your points for you. Making political statements in the middle of a paragraph breaks the narrative flow. An example of this is:
"She, in the Mexico was not alone; there are such women all over the world from the ghettos of Brazil and India to most of the third and forth world. It looks like the condemnation of Eve by God in the Genesis seems to be taking place in the form of atrocities committed every second; as it is a self fulfilling prophecy."
This paragraph is mostly political statement and may be the point of your story, but it is not the story itself. This story is one-quarter story and three quarters non fictional political essay, making it hard to get into the story at all.
Try using Melissa' and Carlos's tribulations, their successes and failures, their fears and desires to make these points. Don't worry that people won't get it. They will, and the message will be much more powerful than a dry interjection of facts.
Also, the passage above contains grammatical errors, is wordy ( I struggle with wordiness too, every day), and is difficult to follow. Your story has loads of grammatical errors. I will outline a few of them
Run on sentences.
"In any case there was no profit in the sale except few bucks for the brew as the suitors were not having enough Pesos for him to buy few goats so he was waiting for a better luck and now, he saw his gamble paying the dividends." This is a perfect example of a run on sentence.
Articles "a", "an", and "the" are missing or misplaced everywhere throughout this tale.
Spelling errors, typos, over-capitalization, and synonym substitution.
"boarder for border", "Heaven for "haven", "loosing" for losing", "there" for "their", "nice" for "niece", "Carlos Pleaded", Miguel knew the Janitor", "They drove straight to the Motel", and so on.
Okay, enough for now. Don't get discouraged by reviews like this one. I took the time to read the story and write this to you because I think it's worth my time to do so. The political points you make in this story are actually quite well-thought out and for the most part ably presented.
The non-fiction writing contest sponsored by FanStory might be a good place to air them. That way you could get them out, and keep them from clogging up your story.
Keep on writing!:-)
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2014
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I appreciate your comments very much. I regretted uploading the unedited chapter as soon as I did it.This One was my original first draft and in error I uploaded it. Your points are well taken and I am working on less wordy descriptions. I know what I have to do. I cannot work directly on the screen and need printed pages to clean up my act. I write lot better than this. If you get an opportunity please read my previous book, "Room Number 420". That did not turn out as bad as this one. Thanks for your tips and I am going to resend this chapter.
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If I had thought that was your best writing I wouldn't have taken the time! I'll check your other story, too. I'd also like to read the resent chapter.:-)
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I just did upload. I seem to have develop a problem of reading on the screen and spell check has caused most errors by clicking on the wrong substitute word like the 'lose' & loos'. I appreciate your assistance. Thanks
Comment from CR Delport
Even to this day, many women still only marry to escape their lives and hopes for improvement. Quite an interesting opening chapter. Looking forward to read some more.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2014
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Even to this day, many women still only marry to escape their lives and hopes for improvement. Quite an interesting opening chapter. Looking forward to read some more.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2014
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Thanks for the encouraging words and the stars. I will be posting the remaining chapters as soon as work on editing.
