Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "An Ancient Embrace"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
20 total reviews
Comment from trimple
OH!
How wonderful this is Michael. I love the way you tell your elaborate story as if we are sitting in some cosy tent. You engage the reader well and make him feel at home. :)
I found who is who and what is in who how and when a little dizzy to say the least. But! I feel that as I read on through the forthcoming chapters. All this will start to fall in place.
There is some great philosophical thoughts put into this Michael and I sense that this is gonna be some epic story!
I look forward to the next installment!
Love the names you have chosen, they feel ancient. I take it that Narina was born out of Nirvana?
Great great chapter.
Thank you for sharing.
kind regards
trimple:)
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OH!
How wonderful this is Michael. I love the way you tell your elaborate story as if we are sitting in some cosy tent. You engage the reader well and make him feel at home. :)
I found who is who and what is in who how and when a little dizzy to say the least. But! I feel that as I read on through the forthcoming chapters. All this will start to fall in place.
There is some great philosophical thoughts put into this Michael and I sense that this is gonna be some epic story!
I look forward to the next installment!
Love the names you have chosen, they feel ancient. I take it that Narina was born out of Nirvana?
Great great chapter.
Thank you for sharing.
kind regards
trimple:)
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
Comment from faragon
The progression of the story is coming along well. I like the tongue-in-cheek soliloquy from "Magic" at the beginning. I like how he pokes fun at himself.
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The progression of the story is coming along well. I like the tongue-in-cheek soliloquy from "Magic" at the beginning. I like how he pokes fun at himself.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
Comment from adewpearl
I like the memory of laughter drifting between them passage
Vision, whose name to us... - add the comma
excellent character development
this is an intriguing concept with a very dreamy quality to it
Brooke
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I like the memory of laughter drifting between them passage
Vision, whose name to us... - add the comma
excellent character development
this is an intriguing concept with a very dreamy quality to it
Brooke
Comment Written 09-Sep-2014
Comment from Sasha
I am enjoying this very much. No need to explain why there is not more dialogue...we, as writers should understand. Very nice work with this one.
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I am enjoying this very much. No need to explain why there is not more dialogue...we, as writers should understand. Very nice work with this one.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from ravenblack
What I think you will find to be challenging is grounding vision and sound as souls you can recognize by character. With narration, it is difficult to give them distinct characteristics as we are not privy to their thoughts. Throw in sound as Sam as Narina and Vision as Vi as Latar and thing as can get pretty confusing. Quite a balancing act.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2014
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What I think you will find to be challenging is grounding vision and sound as souls you can recognize by character. With narration, it is difficult to give them distinct characteristics as we are not privy to their thoughts. Throw in sound as Sam as Narina and Vision as Vi as Latar and thing as can get pretty confusing. Quite a balancing act.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2014
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That is exactly what I'm trying to establish in my own mind. You've put it perfectly. That is what keeps me from just throwing out chapters in my usual mile a minute fashion. I could really go off the deep end quick with this. I can feel that. The material I started with focused mostly on one story so it was easier. I'll take it slower and keep all of this in mind. Great input. Just what I needed to hear to clarify it in my own brain. Appreciated. mikey
Comment from drivenbackward
Deep stuff below the surface here, Mikey. At least I think that's the direction you're heading. Another strong chapter.
Solta blurted out an answer. -- 'Solta blurted' would read stronger.
"We leave in the morning". -- Period inside quotations.
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Deep stuff below the surface here, Mikey. At least I think that's the direction you're heading. Another strong chapter.
Solta blurted out an answer. -- 'Solta blurted' would read stronger.
"We leave in the morning". -- Period inside quotations.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2014
Comment from amanda98653
Awesome! I can't wait for the hunt to begin!
Suggestions:
1) They both lived in a time slightly before homo sapiens, but in human ancestors.
They both lived in a time slightly before Homo sapiens as human ancestors.
2) We is diluted when there is no personal knowledge of who "we" is.
The term, we, is diluted when there is no personal knowledge of who "we" is.
3) While true that souls are not one sex or another,
While it is true that souls are not one sex or another,
4) Just remember, souls are souls and they possess good and bad qualities.
Drop the comma
Just remember, souls are souls and they possess good and bad qualities.
5) New souls appear and there origin is a mystery to us, even to me
New souls appear and their origin is a mystery to us, even to me
6) There may not have been any, other than the pleasant sound of it.
Drop the comma.
There may not have been any other than the pleasant sound of it.
7) None dared challenge him for his leadership role.
"Leadership" and "role" are both nouns.
Choose either " for his leadership" or " for his prominent role". Prominent is an adjective.
8)Solta blurted out an answer. "But, Farth. I have but my daughter as my only family. Surely, she might stay and watch our camp to keep it safe from enemies."
"Farth, I have but my daughter as my only family. Surely she can stay and watch our camp to keep it safe from enemies."
9)"We leave in the morning".
We will leave in the morning.
Hugs
Amanda
A quick guide to using commas ( found this on the Internet):
1. To separate complete sentences when they are joined together by FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)
For their trip to London, Jo is responsible for planning the itinerary, and her sister is in charge of making hotel reservations.
Next week is my sister's 16th birthday, so we're planning something special.
G-DRAGON is Korean, but Gerard Way is American.
2. After introductory phrases but before the main clause
a. Words in introductory clauses that should be followed by a comma include after, although, as, because, if, since, when, and while:
Although it was raining, Jo went out for a jog.
Because he always asks intelligent questions, Mike is the teacher's pet.
If you want to get a good score on the paper, don't procrastinate.
b. Introductory phrases such as participial and infinitive phrases, nonessential appositive phrases, and long prepositional phrases should be followed by a comma:
To meet the popular singer, you should come to the concert three hours early.
Having eaten a hearty breakfast, the lumberjack went to work.
After a tough day at work, Jo relaxed by taking a long bath.
c. Introductory words such as yes, however, and well should be followed by a comma:
However, the computer didn't have enough memory to run the program.
Yes, I would like to take a nap.
Well, Goku and Krillin are just fictional characters.
3. To separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses expressed as a series
When Jo goes to the market, she always buys milk, eggs, and coffee.
My sister promised to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, and wash the car.
The coach demanded that the star player be at practice on time, be a good example to rookies, and be the face of the franchise.
4. To set off clauses, phrases and words in the middle of a sentence that are not essential to the meaning (e.g., nevertheless, however, after all, by the way)
I am, by the way, unqualified for the position you're offering me.
The job, however, does pay well and come with exceptional benefits.
The company, after all, is renowned for the way it treats its employees.
5. To set the name, nickname, or title of a person to whom you're talking
Do you, Jo, take Mike to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Good night, Dad.
6. To separate a city from its state
Jo currently lives in Los Angeles, California, with her dog.
Our entire family resides in the Denver, Colorado, area.
7. (Optional) Before Sr. or Jr. in a person's name
Albert Hammond, Jr. is the guitarist of The Strokes. = Albert Hammond Jr. is the guitarist of The Strokes.
Although the comma before Jr. or Sr. is optional, if you to choose to use it, you must also use a comma afterward:
Albert Hammond Jr. has arrived. (Right)
Albert Hammond, Jr., has arrived. (Right)
Albert Hammond, Jr. has arrived. (Wrong)
8. To set off nonessential elements of a sentence, i.e., not phrases that begin with "that" (restrictive clauses)
Do NOT use a comma before the "that" phrase:
The game that features Lionel Messi on its cover costs $59.
The book that I borrowed from the library is missing 30 pages.
Use a comma before the following nonessential elements (set off by commas):
Jo, an adventurous girl, is taking skydiving lessons.
My twin sister, who forgot to do her homework, had to stay after school to complete it.
Gerard Way, covering his eyes with his hands, sat in his favorite chair.
9. To separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun
Coordinate adjectives have equal status in describing the noun. If this sounds confusing, you can ask two questions to figure out if two adjectives in a row are coordinate:
Does the sentence work--and mean the same thing--if the adjectives are written in reverse order?
Does the sentence work--and mean the same thing--if the adjectives are written with and between them?
If the answer is yes, then you're dealing with coordinate adjectives. They should be separated by a comma.
My little brother is a loud, obnoxious child. (It works with "loud and obnoxious," so they're coordinate adjectives.)
Jo often wears a blue wool sweater. (It doesn't work with "blue and wool," so they don't need a comma.)
Your niece has a bright, happy smile. (It works with "bright and happy," so they're coordinate adjectives.)
10. Near the end of a sentence to indicate a pause, shift, or contrast
The protagonist was merely asleep, not dead.
The robot seemed compassionate, almost human.
You'll be coming to the party tonight, right?
11. To separate the day of the month from the year
Don't forget to also put a comma after the year!
We found a typo in the newspaper's January 3, 2014, edition.
If you're just writing the month and year, you don't need a comma:
Do you have the May 2013 issue of the magazine?
12. To introduce or interrupt direct quotations
He screamed, "I don't care!"
"When," Jo asked, "will you fix my car?"
If it's a one-word quotation, the comma is optional:
I said "Yes."
We also use a comma if the quote is stated first; in this format, a comma is required even for one-word quotations:
"I don't want to hear your excuse," he said.
"Stop," Jo said.
13. Before and after certain introductory words, such as "namely," "that is," "i.e.," "e.g.," and "for instance"
You will be told to bring numerous school supplies, e.g., pencils, erasers, rulers, notebooks, and staples.
14. Before "etc."
In the refrigerator, you will find eggs, milk, cheese, etc.
If etc. appears in the middle of the sentence, it should be enclosed with commas:
You will find eggs, milk, cheese, etc., in the refrigerator.
This sentence will conclude, end, close, etc., this article.
|
Awesome! I can't wait for the hunt to begin!
Suggestions:
1) They both lived in a time slightly before homo sapiens, but in human ancestors.
They both lived in a time slightly before Homo sapiens as human ancestors.
2) We is diluted when there is no personal knowledge of who "we" is.
The term, we, is diluted when there is no personal knowledge of who "we" is.
3) While true that souls are not one sex or another,
While it is true that souls are not one sex or another,
4) Just remember, souls are souls and they possess good and bad qualities.
Drop the comma
Just remember, souls are souls and they possess good and bad qualities.
5) New souls appear and there origin is a mystery to us, even to me
New souls appear and their origin is a mystery to us, even to me
6) There may not have been any, other than the pleasant sound of it.
Drop the comma.
There may not have been any other than the pleasant sound of it.
7) None dared challenge him for his leadership role.
"Leadership" and "role" are both nouns.
Choose either " for his leadership" or " for his prominent role". Prominent is an adjective.
8)Solta blurted out an answer. "But, Farth. I have but my daughter as my only family. Surely, she might stay and watch our camp to keep it safe from enemies."
"Farth, I have but my daughter as my only family. Surely she can stay and watch our camp to keep it safe from enemies."
9)"We leave in the morning".
We will leave in the morning.
Hugs
Amanda
A quick guide to using commas ( found this on the Internet):
1. To separate complete sentences when they are joined together by FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)
For their trip to London, Jo is responsible for planning the itinerary, and her sister is in charge of making hotel reservations.
Next week is my sister's 16th birthday, so we're planning something special.
G-DRAGON is Korean, but Gerard Way is American.
2. After introductory phrases but before the main clause
a. Words in introductory clauses that should be followed by a comma include after, although, as, because, if, since, when, and while:
Although it was raining, Jo went out for a jog.
Because he always asks intelligent questions, Mike is the teacher's pet.
If you want to get a good score on the paper, don't procrastinate.
b. Introductory phrases such as participial and infinitive phrases, nonessential appositive phrases, and long prepositional phrases should be followed by a comma:
To meet the popular singer, you should come to the concert three hours early.
Having eaten a hearty breakfast, the lumberjack went to work.
After a tough day at work, Jo relaxed by taking a long bath.
c. Introductory words such as yes, however, and well should be followed by a comma:
However, the computer didn't have enough memory to run the program.
Yes, I would like to take a nap.
Well, Goku and Krillin are just fictional characters.
3. To separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses expressed as a series
When Jo goes to the market, she always buys milk, eggs, and coffee.
My sister promised to clean the bathroom, take out the trash, and wash the car.
The coach demanded that the star player be at practice on time, be a good example to rookies, and be the face of the franchise.
4. To set off clauses, phrases and words in the middle of a sentence that are not essential to the meaning (e.g., nevertheless, however, after all, by the way)
I am, by the way, unqualified for the position you're offering me.
The job, however, does pay well and come with exceptional benefits.
The company, after all, is renowned for the way it treats its employees.
5. To set the name, nickname, or title of a person to whom you're talking
Do you, Jo, take Mike to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Good night, Dad.
6. To separate a city from its state
Jo currently lives in Los Angeles, California, with her dog.
Our entire family resides in the Denver, Colorado, area.
7. (Optional) Before Sr. or Jr. in a person's name
Albert Hammond, Jr. is the guitarist of The Strokes. = Albert Hammond Jr. is the guitarist of The Strokes.
Although the comma before Jr. or Sr. is optional, if you to choose to use it, you must also use a comma afterward:
Albert Hammond Jr. has arrived. (Right)
Albert Hammond, Jr., has arrived. (Right)
Albert Hammond, Jr. has arrived. (Wrong)
8. To set off nonessential elements of a sentence, i.e., not phrases that begin with "that" (restrictive clauses)
Do NOT use a comma before the "that" phrase:
The game that features Lionel Messi on its cover costs $59.
The book that I borrowed from the library is missing 30 pages.
Use a comma before the following nonessential elements (set off by commas):
Jo, an adventurous girl, is taking skydiving lessons.
My twin sister, who forgot to do her homework, had to stay after school to complete it.
Gerard Way, covering his eyes with his hands, sat in his favorite chair.
9. To separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun
Coordinate adjectives have equal status in describing the noun. If this sounds confusing, you can ask two questions to figure out if two adjectives in a row are coordinate:
Does the sentence work--and mean the same thing--if the adjectives are written in reverse order?
Does the sentence work--and mean the same thing--if the adjectives are written with and between them?
If the answer is yes, then you're dealing with coordinate adjectives. They should be separated by a comma.
My little brother is a loud, obnoxious child. (It works with "loud and obnoxious," so they're coordinate adjectives.)
Jo often wears a blue wool sweater. (It doesn't work with "blue and wool," so they don't need a comma.)
Your niece has a bright, happy smile. (It works with "bright and happy," so they're coordinate adjectives.)
10. Near the end of a sentence to indicate a pause, shift, or contrast
The protagonist was merely asleep, not dead.
The robot seemed compassionate, almost human.
You'll be coming to the party tonight, right?
11. To separate the day of the month from the year
Don't forget to also put a comma after the year!
We found a typo in the newspaper's January 3, 2014, edition.
If you're just writing the month and year, you don't need a comma:
Do you have the May 2013 issue of the magazine?
12. To introduce or interrupt direct quotations
He screamed, "I don't care!"
"When," Jo asked, "will you fix my car?"
If it's a one-word quotation, the comma is optional:
I said "Yes."
We also use a comma if the quote is stated first; in this format, a comma is required even for one-word quotations:
"I don't want to hear your excuse," he said.
"Stop," Jo said.
13. Before and after certain introductory words, such as "namely," "that is," "i.e.," "e.g.," and "for instance"
You will be told to bring numerous school supplies, e.g., pencils, erasers, rulers, notebooks, and staples.
14. Before "etc."
In the refrigerator, you will find eggs, milk, cheese, etc.
If etc. appears in the middle of the sentence, it should be enclosed with commas:
You will find eggs, milk, cheese, etc., in the refrigerator.
This sentence will conclude, end, close, etc., this article.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Like I said before, a very complicated story and especially for the writer to keep track of all these intricate details when writing. It is certainly very different and pleasant to read. I am sure the characters will come more to life as we learn more about them and what they say. Enjoyable read. Faye
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Like I said before, a very complicated story and especially for the writer to keep track of all these intricate details when writing. It is certainly very different and pleasant to read. I am sure the characters will come more to life as we learn more about them and what they say. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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It is a complicated beginning. I'm hoping it settles in to more of a series of stories before long. Crossing my fingers. I'll be by to catch up soon. I need to get out of this desert and see some countryside!! mikey
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Mike,
great physiological insight to wet the appetite before getting into the story of it... but someone so wise and articulate to revert to we 'is diluted when there is no personal knowledge of who "we" is? Maybe Felix is a bit of a rascal when it comes to grammar?
I am understanding the narration part is setting up the story, but for how long does one reiterate the same point?
Now, in saying that I actually really liked the way this is unfolding... and if we're starting in cave man times, at this pace, this is going to be one long story.
Can't wait to see how and where you're going to take this... you have a creative mind... create!
Well written friend.
With our thoughts we create,
survival,
James.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Hi Mike,
great physiological insight to wet the appetite before getting into the story of it... but someone so wise and articulate to revert to we 'is diluted when there is no personal knowledge of who "we" is? Maybe Felix is a bit of a rascal when it comes to grammar?
I am understanding the narration part is setting up the story, but for how long does one reiterate the same point?
Now, in saying that I actually really liked the way this is unfolding... and if we're starting in cave man times, at this pace, this is going to be one long story.
Can't wait to see how and where you're going to take this... you have a creative mind... create!
Well written friend.
With our thoughts we create,
survival,
James.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Felix is a bit of a rascal. I'm hoping to be less vague soon. The stories should be easier to follow when we get out of the caves and into a duplex! Some great insights and feedback. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment from Darkhorse555
the name of this chapter mikey had quite an appeal all by itself really very enjoyable piece of reading the flows beautifully dear friend
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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the name of this chapter mikey had quite an appeal all by itself really very enjoyable piece of reading the flows beautifully dear friend
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Glad your enjoying this. We should be out of the caves soon. Hahaha. It will be a little easier to follow I hope. mikey
