Dear Brother Bill
Short Story37 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Irish,
A beautifully touching read, told with sensitivity and compassion. Methinks the author has trodden this path in real life. There is a gentle, tragic authenticity to the story. Thank you for directing me to it.
Great job!
A few suggestions below for you to use or toss out as you see fit.
Hope you've had a great week.
Until next time,
Sonali
Time for your medicine, Mr. Reilly!" (s)he spouted cheerfully
What's that orange one for?" (h)e asked
"It's just to make you feel better," she (said)./"I feel all right now," he (replied)./ "The doctor wants you to take your medicine, Mr. Reilly," she (responded), .... you've got 'said' three times in a row. Try to avoid repetition. I've suggested some alternatives.
"Stop(,)" (t)he old man said,
Robert (silently) shook his head./ Robert (silently) nodded ... you've got 'silently' twice in succession. Suggest: drop one of them, or, better still, drop both. The secret to good writing is to prune. Ask yourself if a word is actually necessary. If the answer is 'no' don't use it! If he shakes/nods his head, it's understood that he was silent - unless you indicate otherwise. (Hope I'm making sense, here :))
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
  |
Hello Irish,
A beautifully touching read, told with sensitivity and compassion. Methinks the author has trodden this path in real life. There is a gentle, tragic authenticity to the story. Thank you for directing me to it.
Great job!
A few suggestions below for you to use or toss out as you see fit.
Hope you've had a great week.
Until next time,
Sonali
Time for your medicine, Mr. Reilly!" (s)he spouted cheerfully
What's that orange one for?" (h)e asked
"It's just to make you feel better," she (said)./"I feel all right now," he (replied)./ "The doctor wants you to take your medicine, Mr. Reilly," she (responded), .... you've got 'said' three times in a row. Try to avoid repetition. I've suggested some alternatives.
"Stop(,)" (t)he old man said,
Robert (silently) shook his head./ Robert (silently) nodded ... you've got 'silently' twice in succession. Suggest: drop one of them, or, better still, drop both. The secret to good writing is to prune. Ask yourself if a word is actually necessary. If the answer is 'no' don't use it! If he shakes/nods his head, it's understood that he was silent - unless you indicate otherwise. (Hope I'm making sense, here :))
Comment Written 14-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
-
Hello again, Selina!
Thank you for the generous review and I did take your suggestions in good grace and made some changes in my story-but not done yet. I am still...pruning.
Thanks again,
irish
Comment from adewpearl
vivid detail of character and setting
As my face fades from your memory, - add comma
I will, dad - Dad
I love the letter
excellent dialogue that sounds authentic and registers emotion well
This is beautifully moving. I am moved to the point of tears, which is why you get my six. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
 |
vivid detail of character and setting
As my face fades from your memory, - add comma
I will, dad - Dad
I love the letter
excellent dialogue that sounds authentic and registers emotion well
This is beautifully moving. I am moved to the point of tears, which is why you get my six. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
-
I am humbled by all the stars. Thank you for reading, your in-depth review, and the help with my feeble punctuation. So encouraging that you felt the emotion that was written into this little story.
irish
Comment from IndianaIrish
And I've had a rough time to get this review to you, Irish. I was 3/4ths done last night when I lost the entire thing to cyber monkeys. I re-did the review this morning, and the same thing happened at almost the very same place. LOL if it happens again this time, I'll call,you on the phone to give you my review. Lmao....here goes.
Irish, you always move my emotional Irish heart with your stories. I love the relationship between Bill and Bobby. I so loved a bit of the Irish returned his mind to the clearness. I sure understand Bobby's tears. Why are kind nurses always buxom? Lmao. I loved your story very much. I did make some notes for you to look over and see if you agree with any suggestions. Some you need to agree with, because I'm right! LOL I wish I could give you a gold star for the emotion of your story.
Smiles,
Sassy :-)
He watched his visitor, a tall, handsome young man, sit down in the plastic chair and cross his legs(.)
I do not expect you to drop everything and rush back to the states(States).
As my face fades from your memory(,) this may be all (delete-that) you have to remind you of the unique childhood (del-that) we had
Families of Robins (the dictionary uses lower case for bird name, but I've seen them often with capitalization)
What made our childhood special(,) right from the start(,) was the beauty
nodding daffodils saying(,) "Hello!" to us,
(Delete quote mark") I think that the little song that she sang to us
"Toora, Loora, Loora,
Toora, Loora, Li,
Toora, Loora, Loora,
It's an Irish Lullaby!" (No quotes needed for song lyrics, but when over four lines, the book says to intent the lyrics one inch from the left margin)
Dad was worried (del-that) Mom was going to make us into sissies with all of the "soft stuff,"("soft stuff",) so when we were a little older(,) he read
The first day (del-that) we walked to school alone(,) it had been raining
The world was fresh washed and new(,) and the meadow grass smelled sweet. As we stepped over the rivulets and crossed the muddy road(,) the sun broke
Robert stopped reading to the old man as the heavy metal door whooshed opened(,) and buxom Nurse
"Time for your medicine, Mr. Reilly!" (she)She spouted
"What's that orange one for?" (he)He asked. ( I think you can delete all the speech tags here because the reader knows who I saying what between old man and Busty)0
"The doctor wants you to take your medicine, Mr. Reilly(.)," (del-she said, and) (she) put the cup down
"I'll be back in just a minute,(del-" she said, ")(and) maybe your son
"I don't trust that old cank," the old man said. ( you use the old man lots throughout the story. Maybe use a few more he, or some different descriptive names. A reader skims over pronouns, but overuse of names will cause a reader to get distracted)
He held the liquid in his mouth for a while(del-, )and then swallowed.
The old man tilted the glass back and took another mouthful in and held it. He swallowed twice and (del-then) opened his eyes.
"Sweet Jesus, where am I?"(he) He asked,
"Stop.(del- "The old man said, ")I need time to think."
You say the word(,) and I'll take you out of here right now!"
The old man took a slow sip and thought for a minute(.), (del-then) (he)he
The old man nodded. "She is a good woman, and a great mother." He picked up the pill cup(,)(del-and) emptied it into his mouth, (and) (del-then) washed the pills down (the use of then is mostly always unneeded because the action tells the reader what happens after another action)
"I will, (D)dad."
After that school Valentine party(,) she grabbed me i
We managed to sneak down to Willow Creek together, stripped off (separately sounds strange. How about stripped of f our clothes?)separately(,) and (del-then) played together in the water. When we both got too cold(, we ran) (del-and)ran out onto the grass(, and) she got on top of me(.)(del-and)(Then,)then something wonderful happened
I stopped and talked to her on the way out one night, and came back(del-,) three nights in a row. We had coffee after she got off, and (del-then) suddenly we were in love.
I was at her bedside with Helen Kramer, the crusty old nurse(,)trying to comfort her.
He took the water glass into the bathroom(,)(del-and)washed it, (and del-then) put it back
The door was heavy against Robert's arm as he paused and took one last look at his father(.), (The) wrinkled face (was)like an ancient coin
In the hall(,)Nurse Anne put her hand on Robert's arm. "You are such a good son,(.) (A)a lot of the patients
Robert looked at her for a moment(.), (del-then) (He) leaned over
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2014
|
And I've had a rough time to get this review to you, Irish. I was 3/4ths done last night when I lost the entire thing to cyber monkeys. I re-did the review this morning, and the same thing happened at almost the very same place. LOL if it happens again this time, I'll call,you on the phone to give you my review. Lmao....here goes.
Irish, you always move my emotional Irish heart with your stories. I love the relationship between Bill and Bobby. I so loved a bit of the Irish returned his mind to the clearness. I sure understand Bobby's tears. Why are kind nurses always buxom? Lmao. I loved your story very much. I did make some notes for you to look over and see if you agree with any suggestions. Some you need to agree with, because I'm right! LOL I wish I could give you a gold star for the emotion of your story.
Smiles,
Sassy :-)
He watched his visitor, a tall, handsome young man, sit down in the plastic chair and cross his legs(.)
I do not expect you to drop everything and rush back to the states(States).
As my face fades from your memory(,) this may be all (delete-that) you have to remind you of the unique childhood (del-that) we had
Families of Robins (the dictionary uses lower case for bird name, but I've seen them often with capitalization)
What made our childhood special(,) right from the start(,) was the beauty
nodding daffodils saying(,) "Hello!" to us,
(Delete quote mark") I think that the little song that she sang to us
"Toora, Loora, Loora,
Toora, Loora, Li,
Toora, Loora, Loora,
It's an Irish Lullaby!" (No quotes needed for song lyrics, but when over four lines, the book says to intent the lyrics one inch from the left margin)
Dad was worried (del-that) Mom was going to make us into sissies with all of the "soft stuff,"("soft stuff",) so when we were a little older(,) he read
The first day (del-that) we walked to school alone(,) it had been raining
The world was fresh washed and new(,) and the meadow grass smelled sweet. As we stepped over the rivulets and crossed the muddy road(,) the sun broke
Robert stopped reading to the old man as the heavy metal door whooshed opened(,) and buxom Nurse
"Time for your medicine, Mr. Reilly!" (she)She spouted
"What's that orange one for?" (he)He asked. ( I think you can delete all the speech tags here because the reader knows who I saying what between old man and Busty)0
"The doctor wants you to take your medicine, Mr. Reilly(.)," (del-she said, and) (she) put the cup down
"I'll be back in just a minute,(del-" she said, ")(and) maybe your son
"I don't trust that old cank," the old man said. ( you use the old man lots throughout the story. Maybe use a few more he, or some different descriptive names. A reader skims over pronouns, but overuse of names will cause a reader to get distracted)
He held the liquid in his mouth for a while(del-, )and then swallowed.
The old man tilted the glass back and took another mouthful in and held it. He swallowed twice and (del-then) opened his eyes.
"Sweet Jesus, where am I?"(he) He asked,
"Stop.(del- "The old man said, ")I need time to think."
You say the word(,) and I'll take you out of here right now!"
The old man took a slow sip and thought for a minute(.), (del-then) (he)he
The old man nodded. "She is a good woman, and a great mother." He picked up the pill cup(,)(del-and) emptied it into his mouth, (and) (del-then) washed the pills down (the use of then is mostly always unneeded because the action tells the reader what happens after another action)
"I will, (D)dad."
After that school Valentine party(,) she grabbed me i
We managed to sneak down to Willow Creek together, stripped off (separately sounds strange. How about stripped of f our clothes?)separately(,) and (del-then) played together in the water. When we both got too cold(, we ran) (del-and)ran out onto the grass(, and) she got on top of me(.)(del-and)(Then,)then something wonderful happened
I stopped and talked to her on the way out one night, and came back(del-,) three nights in a row. We had coffee after she got off, and (del-then) suddenly we were in love.
I was at her bedside with Helen Kramer, the crusty old nurse(,)trying to comfort her.
He took the water glass into the bathroom(,)(del-and)washed it, (and del-then) put it back
The door was heavy against Robert's arm as he paused and took one last look at his father(.), (The) wrinkled face (was)like an ancient coin
In the hall(,)Nurse Anne put her hand on Robert's arm. "You are such a good son,(.) (A)a lot of the patients
Robert looked at her for a moment(.), (del-then) (He) leaned over
Comment Written 09-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2014
-
I can't tell you how grateful I am. You take the time to read my effort, then spend twice as much time editing and showing me how to correct and improve my story! I did make all the changes you suggested, and the story reads smoother. The impact is improved because I removed so many of the useless "then(s)." Have another, longer(9400+ words) story ready, but I am going to edit one more time, suspect too many "and then."
Grateful you thought the story was worth five stars, and perhaps it is, after your help.
Thanks, Sassy!
irish
Comment from Bina1
Great story, you dealt with the agony of the disease well. I didn't expect the ending, great job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
|
Great story, you dealt with the agony of the disease well. I didn't expect the ending, great job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
-
Thank you for your kind comments, and all those stars! irish
Comment from stroncoso1
So touching! This is an excellent and poignant story of love, and loss and so much more. I like how you relay the memories in the form of a letter. You keep the reader on their toes by not giving the story development away. I enjoyed it from start to finish. It's a lovely story and the dialogue rings true. I wouldn't change a thing. Fantastic! Keep writing! You have talent and a way with words and in weaving a good story!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
|
So touching! This is an excellent and poignant story of love, and loss and so much more. I like how you relay the memories in the form of a letter. You keep the reader on their toes by not giving the story development away. I enjoyed it from start to finish. It's a lovely story and the dialogue rings true. I wouldn't change a thing. Fantastic! Keep writing! You have talent and a way with words and in weaving a good story!
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
-
I am humbled that you read my story and understood what I was trying to say. Some readers never got the reason I left so much out until the ending, but to me that made the story more interesting. My grammar and punctuation are not what they should be, so I edit many times before I post. It is tragic that we lose so many loved ones to this disease every year.
Thanks again, irish
Comment from angelface2
Irish this was so beautifully written and I got so involved I didn't even look for spag. Even now I cannot, because of the big teardrops in my eyes. The picture is perfect for your story. :>D Miss Sally
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
|
Irish this was so beautifully written and I got so involved I didn't even look for spag. Even now I cannot, because of the big teardrops in my eyes. The picture is perfect for your story. :>D Miss Sally
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
-
Thank you Miss Sally, for this heart warming review, and the galaxy of stars! I am humbled. I started this story some time ago, and a recent visit to a senior citizens home prompted me to finish this story as a sort of tribute.
Thank you for your understanding, and your encouragement.
irish
Comment from AAud
What a sad, yet touching story.
But I was slightly confused at the beginning. In the opening paragraph a tall, handsome young man sits in a chair and crosses his legs. Then in the next paragraph "Robert" crosses his legs. Because he crossed his legs twice, for a second there I thought Robert might be someone else in the room. He could still cross his legs twice, but maybe say he crossed his legs the first time and then say he switched legs and crossed them again to make it clear that Robert is, indeed the young man.
The story is done very well. I liked how it was revealed that the old man was the one who wrote the letter so he could remember.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
|
What a sad, yet touching story.
But I was slightly confused at the beginning. In the opening paragraph a tall, handsome young man sits in a chair and crosses his legs. Then in the next paragraph "Robert" crosses his legs. Because he crossed his legs twice, for a second there I thought Robert might be someone else in the room. He could still cross his legs twice, but maybe say he crossed his legs the first time and then say he switched legs and crossed them again to make it clear that Robert is, indeed the young man.
The story is done very well. I liked how it was revealed that the old man was the one who wrote the letter so he could remember.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
-
Wow, what a great suggestion! I wanted the reader to understand that Robert was indeed the young man in question, but couldn't figure out a way to say it. Thank you for your kind comments, and the stars! irish
Comment from amahra
This is one scary disease. I had a family friend who suffered from Alzheimer's and it was not a pleasant sight to see. Thank you for posting this.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
|
This is one scary disease. I had a family friend who suffered from Alzheimer's and it was not a pleasant sight to see. Thank you for posting this.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
-
Thank you for your review, and the stars! Yes, this terrible disease takes away what should have been some golden years, from many elderly people.
irish
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Irish,
If I go that road, I just hope someone has the gumption to feed me the same 'vitamens'. Alzheimers is, in my view, the ultimate thief, stealing our memories, then robbing us of our dignity.
Patrick
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
|
Hi Irish,
If I go that road, I just hope someone has the gumption to feed me the same 'vitamens'. Alzheimers is, in my view, the ultimate thief, stealing our memories, then robbing us of our dignity.
Patrick
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
-
Thank you, Patrick, for your review, and the stars. Scary to think that this disease may affect us someday, but there is that hope for the vitamin's.
Comment from LIJ Red
The only negative comment I can make is a Fanstory remark-one cannot speedread this and get the value of it. It has
the ring of real experience, but needs be read at less than
breakneck speed. Not a flaw-just remarking.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2014
|
The only negative comment I can make is a Fanstory remark-one cannot speedread this and get the value of it. It has
the ring of real experience, but needs be read at less than
breakneck speed. Not a flaw-just remarking.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2014
-
Thank you for the stars, and your to-the-point comments. Many readers will do so just for the $$, or to find fault. Your comments are refreshing and encouraging. irish
