haiku (storm drowns desert)
a storm in the desert125 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Hey, a very clever Haiku. There is nothing like a desert rain storm to make the foolhardy scurry for shelter.
The tortoise doesn't have far to go, does he.
Good job. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Hey, a very clever Haiku. There is nothing like a desert rain storm to make the foolhardy scurry for shelter.
The tortoise doesn't have far to go, does he.
Good job. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Hi, and thanks for taking a look at my first haiku.
Comment from adewpearl
Your poem is in good 5/7/5 syllable count though I'm not a fan of leaving a word hanging at the end of a line in poetry - such as the "as" at the end of line 1
I like the alliteration and assonance in shelters in shell
and the clever characterization of the tortoise's shell as its safe house :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Your poem is in good 5/7/5 syllable count though I'm not a fan of leaving a word hanging at the end of a line in poetry - such as the "as" at the end of line 1
I like the alliteration and assonance in shelters in shell
and the clever characterization of the tortoise's shell as its safe house :-) Brooke
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks for the tip, Brooke. I appreciate your comments. My first haiku.
Comment from ravenblack
I like your satori, the tortoise having the wisdom to seek shelter in his safe house as the storm rages all around him. I just think your first line is weakened by ending in "as". You really do not need a connective to the second line as the haiku is a logical progression of concrete images. Just a suggestion, but " storm drowns the desert/ wise tortoise shelters in shell/ nature's own safe house". Not a re-write, just one word change that preserves your syllable count.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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I like your satori, the tortoise having the wisdom to seek shelter in his safe house as the storm rages all around him. I just think your first line is weakened by ending in "as". You really do not need a connective to the second line as the haiku is a logical progression of concrete images. Just a suggestion, but " storm drowns the desert/ wise tortoise shelters in shell/ nature's own safe house". Not a re-write, just one word change that preserves your syllable count.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks, ravenblack. Appreciate the advice.
Comment from mbagby23
Great imagery. I can image the turtle hiding in it's own shell. Trying it's best to stay dry. Knowing that rain doesn't come often. Nice entry.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Great imagery. I can image the turtle hiding in it's own shell. Trying it's best to stay dry. Knowing that rain doesn't come often. Nice entry.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks. It's my first.
Comment from michaelcahill
This is excellent. True haiku with no words wasted and every word necessary. Paints a vivid picture of this guy sitting in a rainstorm snug in his shell while it all breaks loose around him. Involves the reader superbly. A very strong contender. Good luck. mikey
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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This is excellent. True haiku with no words wasted and every word necessary. Paints a vivid picture of this guy sitting in a rainstorm snug in his shell while it all breaks loose around him. Involves the reader superbly. A very strong contender. Good luck. mikey
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks, mikey. I feel better now. Somebody gave me two stars, but only one somebody.
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Two stars? There couldn't possibly be any basis for that. You must not have standard members blocked. Sounds like it's time for a hangin'!!!
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I did change it slightly, since Brooke said she didn't like 'as' at the end of that first line.
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yeah, as was strange in the title. but, it connected the lines clearly. They're still connected though. You left "the" out of the title. You might leave it out of the first line as well. It still works well. Even better now, I think...
Comment from thee-name
Good haiku. STORM DRAWS DESERT AS
WISE TORTOISE SHELTERS IN SHELL
NATURE'S OWN SAFE HOUSE
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Good haiku. STORM DRAWS DESERT AS
WISE TORTOISE SHELTERS IN SHELL
NATURE'S OWN SAFE HOUSE
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks.
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THANK YOU!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I like the way you said the turtle's shell was a safe house. I like the alliteration in the first line. I like your poem. One thing I would change is how you wrote the title. Look back at the rules and write it exactly like the first line. I had one of my contest entries disqualified because I wrote the tile wrong. It was something as simple as parentheses surrounding the exact words of the first line. I am only saying this because I was really disappointed. Yours is close, but I would look at it again. Please accept this as a friendly suggestion.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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I like the way you said the turtle's shell was a safe house. I like the alliteration in the first line. I like your poem. One thing I would change is how you wrote the title. Look back at the rules and write it exactly like the first line. I had one of my contest entries disqualified because I wrote the tile wrong. It was something as simple as parentheses surrounding the exact words of the first line. I am only saying this because I was really disappointed. Yours is close, but I would look at it again. Please accept this as a friendly suggestion.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Oh? Thanks for the tip. I'll double-check. It's my first haiku, and I need all the help I can get.
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I looked at it again. It looks right. Don't know if you changed anything. Anyway, I thought I had mine right. Turns out I was close but not exact. Sorry if I caused you to second guess yourself. You may have had it perfect, but I thought I saw something a little off.
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I did change it, because two very good poets told me to drop the 'as' from the end of the line and add 'the' to desert to keep syllable count. I hope I did the right thing, but this is a learning process.
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It looks great now. I was mainly concerned with the way the title was written since mine got the heave-ho because it was not written right. Good luck.
Comment from visionary1234
Not sure about the run on between lines 1 and 2 ... I thought they had to be individual lines, connected in thought, but not as a sentence completion - but I'm no haiku expert, I assure you! A sweet satori line!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Not sure about the run on between lines 1 and 2 ... I thought they had to be individual lines, connected in thought, but not as a sentence completion - but I'm no haiku expert, I assure you! A sweet satori line!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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I'll double-check that, Sharyn. Thanks. It's my first haiku.
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Well good for you! That's totally the way to learn! :)S
Comment from l.raven
somewhat like a camper for the little guys...always a roof over their heads...I would imagine a lot of animals are effected by storms in the desert.....very nicly written...luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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somewhat like a camper for the little guys...always a roof over their heads...I would imagine a lot of animals are effected by storms in the desert.....very nicly written...luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks, Linda. My first.
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and a great job...you are so welcome...xxoo
Comment from Pyrrho
Your meaning is somewhat clear but an English instructor would give you a failing grade.
To drown is to kill by submerging in fluid. Rain does not drown (kill) a desert, it brings it to life.
To attribute the modifier "wise" to a tortoise for remaining in its shell when it cannot get out of it is over the top.
And to call a tortoise shell a safe house when it by implication protection from drowning is just plain not true.
Each line on its own is in error.
This needs a great deal of rethinking.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Your meaning is somewhat clear but an English instructor would give you a failing grade.
To drown is to kill by submerging in fluid. Rain does not drown (kill) a desert, it brings it to life.
To attribute the modifier "wise" to a tortoise for remaining in its shell when it cannot get out of it is over the top.
And to call a tortoise shell a safe house when it by implication protection from drowning is just plain not true.
Each line on its own is in error.
This needs a great deal of rethinking.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Thanks. My first.
