Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Prologue "Prologue: Magic Felix"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
48 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Well, the speaker claims to wish not to confuse, but repeats, and at times seems to ramble on. Giving the reader a start and a idea about the coming tale good, but you also capture the curiosty with mystery, excitement. I would cut this down some.
  |
Well, the speaker claims to wish not to confuse, but repeats, and at times seems to ramble on. Giving the reader a start and a idea about the coming tale good, but you also capture the curiosty with mystery, excitement. I would cut this down some.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the beginning. I believe in souls. I think they come back to earth to learn and teach. I believe what I leave behind is the most important part of my life. If I leave good, I will make a tiny part of the earth better. If I leave bad, the humans take a tiny step backwards. Learning and improving does not stop once we get back to heaven. Great work.
 |
I love the beginning. I believe in souls. I think they come back to earth to learn and teach. I believe what I leave behind is the most important part of my life. If I leave good, I will make a tiny part of the earth better. If I leave bad, the humans take a tiny step backwards. Learning and improving does not stop once we get back to heaven. Great work.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I like that souls have no use for time... makes sense. The idea of Sound being a quiet listener is excellent, I think, but I hope Vision isn't always jumping to conclusions, since seeing in depth can be just as thoughtful.
>>the most simplistic terms I can
Look up the meaning of "simplistic" as you have misused it here, tho you used it correctly later in the story.
>>You can call me, Magic Felix.
Lose that comma... incorrect.
>>obnoxious, I find that amusing.
Need to make a new sentence... comma is insufficient.
>>We call the two souls, Vision and Sound.
Lose that comma... incorrect.
|
I like that souls have no use for time... makes sense. The idea of Sound being a quiet listener is excellent, I think, but I hope Vision isn't always jumping to conclusions, since seeing in depth can be just as thoughtful.
>>the most simplistic terms I can
Look up the meaning of "simplistic" as you have misused it here, tho you used it correctly later in the story.
>>You can call me, Magic Felix.
Lose that comma... incorrect.
>>obnoxious, I find that amusing.
Need to make a new sentence... comma is insufficient.
>>We call the two souls, Vision and Sound.
Lose that comma... incorrect.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from Sasha
I love the whole concept of this and am anxiously looking forward to actually reading one of your books from the beginning. Yes, it is a bit confusing but not so much that it prevents me from wanting to know more. I just love this passage:
After all, we do know that there is no real danger in anything that happens on Earth. All end up back here safe and sound...
I REALLY like that concept!
|
I love the whole concept of this and am anxiously looking forward to actually reading one of your books from the beginning. Yes, it is a bit confusing but not so much that it prevents me from wanting to know more. I just love this passage:
After all, we do know that there is no real danger in anything that happens on Earth. All end up back here safe and sound...
I REALLY like that concept!
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from Michaelk
I already have a headache. That was one huge chunk of exposition. It also dealt with a very difficult subject.
I have a suggestion. You could do it as a one sided conversation with the reader playing the role of the guest.
It could start with Felix saying, "Oh, hello, come in and have a seat. I have a story to tell you, but first you'll need a little background..."
Then play the rest as one sided conversation, having Felix pause now and then as though the 'guest' has asked a question.
I liked your premise, and I like that Felix has a sense of humor. Your explanations were good, but they just need to be broken up a little, so they're easier to digest.
I am intrigued, and look forward to your first story.
|
I already have a headache. That was one huge chunk of exposition. It also dealt with a very difficult subject.
I have a suggestion. You could do it as a one sided conversation with the reader playing the role of the guest.
It could start with Felix saying, "Oh, hello, come in and have a seat. I have a story to tell you, but first you'll need a little background..."
Then play the rest as one sided conversation, having Felix pause now and then as though the 'guest' has asked a question.
I liked your premise, and I like that Felix has a sense of humor. Your explanations were good, but they just need to be broken up a little, so they're easier to digest.
I am intrigued, and look forward to your first story.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from 1954speed
This piques my interest and I will come a long for the ride. There are a few punctual errors that need correcting, but nothing that detracts from the story. My only suggestion would be to rewrite the line "Again, the details and an overly detailed explanation would only cause confusion." Perhaps eliminate 'the details and'. Just a thought. Looking forward to more.
|
This piques my interest and I will come a long for the ride. There are a few punctual errors that need correcting, but nothing that detracts from the story. My only suggestion would be to rewrite the line "Again, the details and an overly detailed explanation would only cause confusion." Perhaps eliminate 'the details and'. Just a thought. Looking forward to more.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from c_lucas
You need to rewrite the opening paragraphs because of repetition. You have chosen a very difficult story line. Good luck in your endeavor.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
You need to rewrite the opening paragraphs because of repetition. You have chosen a very difficult story line. Good luck in your endeavor.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from amanda98653
Wow! A cool start.
Great that you pointed out that " souls are not male or female. "
Suggestions:
1. "Their story" is about two souls and their (existence). "Their stories" are confined to those times when they have been on Earth as humans either together or (separate).
2.stump-seeking office.
3.You see? It is confusing already and I am stating this in the most simplistic terms I can possibly impart to you.
Consider rephrasing that?
...I am stating this in the most simplistic way to impart the knowledge to you.
Hugs
Amanda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
Wow! A cool start.
Great that you pointed out that " souls are not male or female. "
Suggestions:
1. "Their story" is about two souls and their (existence). "Their stories" are confined to those times when they have been on Earth as humans either together or (separate).
2.stump-seeking office.
3.You see? It is confusing already and I am stating this in the most simplistic terms I can possibly impart to you.
Consider rephrasing that?
...I am stating this in the most simplistic way to impart the knowledge to you.
Hugs
Amanda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
