Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Prologue "Prologue: Magic Felix"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
48 total reviews
Comment from kiwijenny
I applaud your embarking on a novel......it is a brave new world...isn't it....Keep writing...this is intriguing.....
I reference time because you reference time.....intriguing
God bless
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I applaud your embarking on a novel......it is a brave new world...isn't it....Keep writing...this is intriguing.....
I reference time because you reference time.....intriguing
God bless
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Good job on a prologue, they are not easy to get right.
I suggest tightening up abit, there were a few times that I got lost in repitition.
However, it sure intrigues me and it has a greatvoice.
padumachitta
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Hi. Good job on a prologue, they are not easy to get right.
I suggest tightening up abit, there were a few times that I got lost in repitition.
However, it sure intrigues me and it has a greatvoice.
padumachitta
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
Comment from Dawn Munro
About the only thing I can seriously critique about this prologue is that there is SO much controversy over prologues - my novel has one too, but allegedly they're frowned upon by agents and editors anymore...sigh...
I look forward to the first chapter. I was intrigued. One other mention I hope you'll find helpful -
I'd also suggest avoiding repetition - for example, the first paragraph uses "The story...their story...their stories..." and then the very next paragraph begins with "The story..." again.
You can avoid repeating the same phrase or similar words by substituting (I use a thesaurus often) or by re-arranging sentences (example - 'this tale...' OR can the sentence begin differently...yes?)
Best of luck. It's full of promise, as any good prologue should be.
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About the only thing I can seriously critique about this prologue is that there is SO much controversy over prologues - my novel has one too, but allegedly they're frowned upon by agents and editors anymore...sigh...
I look forward to the first chapter. I was intrigued. One other mention I hope you'll find helpful -
I'd also suggest avoiding repetition - for example, the first paragraph uses "The story...their story...their stories..." and then the very next paragraph begins with "The story..." again.
You can avoid repeating the same phrase or similar words by substituting (I use a thesaurus often) or by re-arranging sentences (example - 'this tale...' OR can the sentence begin differently...yes?)
Best of luck. It's full of promise, as any good prologue should be.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
Comment from CR Delport
If I was a soul, I would stay the hell away from Earth. To observe the horrors that humans do to each other is terrible. I am looking forward to the start of the story.
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If I was a soul, I would stay the hell away from Earth. To observe the horrors that humans do to each other is terrible. I am looking forward to the start of the story.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
Comment from sibhus
Hmmm, interesting beginning sounds almost like the beginnings of a piece on metaphysics, which boders on a tryst with philosophy. It does sound like it has the makings of a good story though. Well written piece that has captured my interest.
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Hmmm, interesting beginning sounds almost like the beginnings of a piece on metaphysics, which boders on a tryst with philosophy. It does sound like it has the makings of a good story though. Well written piece that has captured my interest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
I am SO impressed by the content and structure of this. I have found some concerns you'll want to look over. I would not be a consistent reviewer if I was hit and miss on my criteria. Hence the 4 stars for an articulate post. However, if you notify me when the corrections are made (or point out where I'm dead wrong), I'll be returning your star. Without the spag, this would be 6 star material.
I am a soul that knows what it is like [Use "who" for animate objects, "that" for inanimate. I'm thinking souls would be animate.]
A soul retains parts of its existence as a human and brings it back with them. ["soul" is singular, "them" is plural. they must match to be grammatically correct. I'll let you work it out. Since you used "it" before, you could do it here.]
Some of the souls find it obnoxious, I find that amusing. [Use semicolon or period instead of comma to avoid a run-on sentence.
there would be no need to find out now would there. [Comma after now, question mark as end punctuation.]
Great work, Michael.
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Here catch! Yeah, I think fantasy is the best classification for this. I really loved this piece and am looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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I am SO impressed by the content and structure of this. I have found some concerns you'll want to look over. I would not be a consistent reviewer if I was hit and miss on my criteria. Hence the 4 stars for an articulate post. However, if you notify me when the corrections are made (or point out where I'm dead wrong), I'll be returning your star. Without the spag, this would be 6 star material.
I am a soul that knows what it is like [Use "who" for animate objects, "that" for inanimate. I'm thinking souls would be animate.]
A soul retains parts of its existence as a human and brings it back with them. ["soul" is singular, "them" is plural. they must match to be grammatically correct. I'll let you work it out. Since you used "it" before, you could do it here.]
Some of the souls find it obnoxious, I find that amusing. [Use semicolon or period instead of comma to avoid a run-on sentence.
there would be no need to find out now would there. [Comma after now, question mark as end punctuation.]
Great work, Michael.
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Here catch! Yeah, I think fantasy is the best classification for this. I really loved this piece and am looking forward to more.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Some great tips and a very encouraging review. Delighted that you enjoyed this. It is a departure from what I normally post. I wrote this before my experiences here. I'm surprised at how much rewriting I'm having to do. I have improved! "that/who" I seem to do all the time. Thank you for catching that. I've corrected those items you pointed out and see the improvement right away. I had to rewrite the one sentence. Let me know what you think. Is "fantasy" the proper designation for this? Thanks for all your time. Very helpful. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment from faragon
I like how you have chosen the first part of this prologue to explain how your story arc will go. I do think that fantasy is a correct name as it deals with an unwordly realm as well as an earthly realm. Should be an interesting story.
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I like how you have chosen the first part of this prologue to explain how your story arc will go. I do think that fantasy is a correct name as it deals with an unwordly realm as well as an earthly realm. Should be an interesting story.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Mike,
I love the bones and concept of the story... it is relevant and a great angle to come from... I am so eagerly anticipating the build and backbone that will take this story to the heavens... or back to earth, as it seems... good luck my friend... here are some of my suggestions... and know, they are only just that...suggestions... try not to use The and They consecutively... maybe... 'A' story of vision and 'Both' have been on earth many times... you know something along those lines... it just helps the flow and takes away the clunk... same with 'their story and their stories' consider how you may convey this sentiment a little differently... the repetition of the same word can glue up the reader to its true intention... but of course that is up to you to decide... and by no means am I an expert, I'm only a novice as well, just relaying what experience has been handed down form listening.
As I said I will be eagerly awaiting your first chapter to really get into the story.
With our thoughts we create,
the existence of essence,
James.
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Hi Mike,
I love the bones and concept of the story... it is relevant and a great angle to come from... I am so eagerly anticipating the build and backbone that will take this story to the heavens... or back to earth, as it seems... good luck my friend... here are some of my suggestions... and know, they are only just that...suggestions... try not to use The and They consecutively... maybe... 'A' story of vision and 'Both' have been on earth many times... you know something along those lines... it just helps the flow and takes away the clunk... same with 'their story and their stories' consider how you may convey this sentiment a little differently... the repetition of the same word can glue up the reader to its true intention... but of course that is up to you to decide... and by no means am I an expert, I'm only a novice as well, just relaying what experience has been handed down form listening.
As I said I will be eagerly awaiting your first chapter to really get into the story.
With our thoughts we create,
the existence of essence,
James.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from Cin
Love the concept Michael - I'm intrigued to see where you go with this as you have presented ideas that are close to my heart. I found the chapter to be beautifully written and well paced. Look forward to reading more :-)
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Love the concept Michael - I'm intrigued to see where you go with this as you have presented ideas that are close to my heart. I found the chapter to be beautifully written and well paced. Look forward to reading more :-)
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
Comment from seaglass
Hmm, I like it already, I identify with Vision. My add makes me a bad listener. Let get going...
If you knew, there would be no need to find out now would there. (?)need question mark for this question
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Hmm, I like it already, I identify with Vision. My add makes me a bad listener. Let get going...
If you knew, there would be no need to find out now would there. (?)need question mark for this question
Comment Written 31-Aug-2014
