She brings the beauty....
The steadfast love...133 total reviews
Comment from TKField
This was a sweet (sticky sweet?), ode to your beloved granddaughter. Naturally, since she is a close relation, you can be pardoned for a heavy duty bias in her favor, although I have no doubts concerning the many charms possessed by Little What's Her Name.
If the somewhat overblown hyperbole of this poem is taken at face value, LWHN is waaay above the average drooling, diaper fouling, toe-sucking, Gerber-gumming waifs who happen to come down the pike on any given day.
I mean really, "She's like a gem, the sunrise, dappled dancing plumage, a dewdrop, joy. She's full of grace, can brighten days, chase shadows, conquer night, capture light and fill metaphorical cups with hope". Heck, the Virgin Mary herself would be proud of a resume like that, and accomplishing it all at such a young age makes LWHN even more impressive.
Obviously, a divinely favored prodigy like LWHN, will move from strength to strength as she progresses through childhood. I'm sure, she'll soon be playing the accordion, composing operas, speaking Mandarin, splitting the atom and performing other miracles at a world class level in no time flat (can a Nobel Peace Prize be far behind?).
Or maybe she can make a living brightening up otherwise dreary, dull parties and gatherings, since her very presence practically guarantees a general retreat by the combined forces of night, shadow and free-floating ennui.
This gushing tribute gets the job done in terms of conveying the unbridled enthusiasm you have for the adored object (your granddaughter). Mission accomplished, in triplicate.
As for the poem itself, I thought it had some very nice turns of phrase,
"Like a gem beyond all value,
Captures, holds God's holy light,
Like the dappled dancing plumage,
Of eagle's wings in soaring flight."
By far the best stanza in the piece, but I think you should seriously think about losing the modifier "soaring". It doesn't tell us anything we don't already know about an eagle in flight, and sounds redundant and unnecessary gilded. Just "on eagle's wings in flight" is more powerful and to the point, in my opinion.
The similes work well for the most part (maybe one too many "likes"), except...
"Like joy within reveals His way!"
....is a bit awkwardly worded (maybe a comma somewhere? And "Day, Way" is a pretty well-worn snoozer of a rhyme). The exclamation point doesn't help. Exclamation points should be used with extreme caution, which is to say... never. No one likes to be yelled at in verse! See what I mean?
In conclusion; A nice little poem, whose subject, point of view and execution, render it beyond reproach and effectively review-proof (who doesn't like cute little girls and saintly granddaughters?).
One final thought. You obviously believe God has singled out LWHN for special treatment, and I'm not saying He hasn't. I just wonder why "Mr. All Powerful" doesn't see fit to bless every human child this way, which He obviously doesn't, unless you want to count being born poor, homely, filthy, dumb, abused, brain-damaged, deformed, diseased, birth defected, malnourished, stillborn or Muslim as a blessing of some kind.
But that's the breaks I guess. Some get the gold-mine and some get the shaft. If I didn't know better, I'd be inclined to believe this is a random universe, with fortune largely a combination of blind luck, genes, ambition and circumstance, but that's just silly, what with "You Know Who" in charge of all reality. If you're not blessed, He decided not to bless you for some unfathomable reason.
I know God works in mysterious ways and all, but for every little girl lucky enough to be born into the optimum, supportive and loving environment of LWHN, there are thousands who don't even come close. Whassup wid dat?
At any rate, good luck to LWHN. I'll be following the trajectory of her career with great interest. I suspect we haven't heard the last from this divine marvel in human form.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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This was a sweet (sticky sweet?), ode to your beloved granddaughter. Naturally, since she is a close relation, you can be pardoned for a heavy duty bias in her favor, although I have no doubts concerning the many charms possessed by Little What's Her Name.
If the somewhat overblown hyperbole of this poem is taken at face value, LWHN is waaay above the average drooling, diaper fouling, toe-sucking, Gerber-gumming waifs who happen to come down the pike on any given day.
I mean really, "She's like a gem, the sunrise, dappled dancing plumage, a dewdrop, joy. She's full of grace, can brighten days, chase shadows, conquer night, capture light and fill metaphorical cups with hope". Heck, the Virgin Mary herself would be proud of a resume like that, and accomplishing it all at such a young age makes LWHN even more impressive.
Obviously, a divinely favored prodigy like LWHN, will move from strength to strength as she progresses through childhood. I'm sure, she'll soon be playing the accordion, composing operas, speaking Mandarin, splitting the atom and performing other miracles at a world class level in no time flat (can a Nobel Peace Prize be far behind?).
Or maybe she can make a living brightening up otherwise dreary, dull parties and gatherings, since her very presence practically guarantees a general retreat by the combined forces of night, shadow and free-floating ennui.
This gushing tribute gets the job done in terms of conveying the unbridled enthusiasm you have for the adored object (your granddaughter). Mission accomplished, in triplicate.
As for the poem itself, I thought it had some very nice turns of phrase,
"Like a gem beyond all value,
Captures, holds God's holy light,
Like the dappled dancing plumage,
Of eagle's wings in soaring flight."
By far the best stanza in the piece, but I think you should seriously think about losing the modifier "soaring". It doesn't tell us anything we don't already know about an eagle in flight, and sounds redundant and unnecessary gilded. Just "on eagle's wings in flight" is more powerful and to the point, in my opinion.
The similes work well for the most part (maybe one too many "likes"), except...
"Like joy within reveals His way!"
....is a bit awkwardly worded (maybe a comma somewhere? And "Day, Way" is a pretty well-worn snoozer of a rhyme). The exclamation point doesn't help. Exclamation points should be used with extreme caution, which is to say... never. No one likes to be yelled at in verse! See what I mean?
In conclusion; A nice little poem, whose subject, point of view and execution, render it beyond reproach and effectively review-proof (who doesn't like cute little girls and saintly granddaughters?).
One final thought. You obviously believe God has singled out LWHN for special treatment, and I'm not saying He hasn't. I just wonder why "Mr. All Powerful" doesn't see fit to bless every human child this way, which He obviously doesn't, unless you want to count being born poor, homely, filthy, dumb, abused, brain-damaged, deformed, diseased, birth defected, malnourished, stillborn or Muslim as a blessing of some kind.
But that's the breaks I guess. Some get the gold-mine and some get the shaft. If I didn't know better, I'd be inclined to believe this is a random universe, with fortune largely a combination of blind luck, genes, ambition and circumstance, but that's just silly, what with "You Know Who" in charge of all reality. If you're not blessed, He decided not to bless you for some unfathomable reason.
I know God works in mysterious ways and all, but for every little girl lucky enough to be born into the optimum, supportive and loving environment of LWHN, there are thousands who don't even come close. Whassup wid dat?
At any rate, good luck to LWHN. I'll be following the trajectory of her career with great interest. I suspect we haven't heard the last from this divine marvel in human form.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself! Roy,
Comment from sibhus
A wonderful poem that displays what a joy this gift from God is to you and your family. The rhymes are perfect and depict the child in such wonderful terms of love and endurement. A truely touchung poem.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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A wonderful poem that displays what a joy this gift from God is to you and your family. The rhymes are perfect and depict the child in such wonderful terms of love and endurement. A truely touchung poem.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review and great comments, blessings, Roy.
Comment from fastdigits
Ah, the warm feeling exhibited
in this warm and artistic writing
for a grandchild who fills your
cup with wondrous hope and
as her candle glows, your heart
rejoices.
Well done
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
|
Ah, the warm feeling exhibited
in this warm and artistic writing
for a grandchild who fills your
cup with wondrous hope and
as her candle glows, your heart
rejoices.
Well done
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
-
Thank,you so much For the great comments and reviews blessings Roy.
Comment from kiwisteveh
A lovely poem, Roy, standing both as a tribute to your beautiful grand-daughter and as a statement of Christian faith.
I found the rhythm a little bumpy in places and I have taken the liberty of re-writing a few little bits to create what I hope you will find a smoother read. I am always hesitant to offer wholesale change - most poets, like me, are rather jealous of their work, but I hope you will take this in the spirit with which it is intended.
She brings the beauty with the morning,
Grace that brightens each new day,
Like the sparkle in the dew drop,
Joy within reveals His way!
Like a gem beyond all value,
Captures, holds God's holy light,
Like the dappled dancing plumage -
Eagle's wings in soaring flight.
Like the glory of the sunrise,
Chases shadows, conquers night,
She fills our cup with wondrous hope,
Her candle glows, our heart's delight.
One further suggestion - 'hope' at the end of line 11 doesn't quite fir. If you check back you will see that every other line 1 and 3 per stanza ends in a 2-syllable word - stressed syllable/unstressed syllable. If you could find a suitable word to replace 'hope' without changing the meaning.... 'feeling' is the best I can come up with.
Again, a lovely piece - feel free to accept or reject these suggestions.
Steve
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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A lovely poem, Roy, standing both as a tribute to your beautiful grand-daughter and as a statement of Christian faith.
I found the rhythm a little bumpy in places and I have taken the liberty of re-writing a few little bits to create what I hope you will find a smoother read. I am always hesitant to offer wholesale change - most poets, like me, are rather jealous of their work, but I hope you will take this in the spirit with which it is intended.
She brings the beauty with the morning,
Grace that brightens each new day,
Like the sparkle in the dew drop,
Joy within reveals His way!
Like a gem beyond all value,
Captures, holds God's holy light,
Like the dappled dancing plumage -
Eagle's wings in soaring flight.
Like the glory of the sunrise,
Chases shadows, conquers night,
She fills our cup with wondrous hope,
Her candle glows, our heart's delight.
One further suggestion - 'hope' at the end of line 11 doesn't quite fir. If you check back you will see that every other line 1 and 3 per stanza ends in a 2-syllable word - stressed syllable/unstressed syllable. If you could find a suitable word to replace 'hope' without changing the meaning.... 'feeling' is the best I can come up with.
Again, a lovely piece - feel free to accept or reject these suggestions.
Steve
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you Steve for your great suggestions I changed the word order of hope's wonder, to wondrous hope, feelings is not quite right but Thanks for the great review, blessings, Roy.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi royowen,
Lovely poem celebrating an obviously lovely child. Children do seem to have a knack of bringing light into our lives.
Patrick
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Hi royowen,
Lovely poem celebrating an obviously lovely child. Children do seem to have a knack of bringing light into our lives.
Patrick
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you Patrick, for you supportive review and comments, blessings, Roy.
Comment from judiverse
What a sweet picture. I love her smile. Great ABCB rhyme, and the flow is graceful. Excellent use of figurative language--like the sparkle in the dew drop and like a gem beyond all value. You make good use of alliteration in dappled dancing plumage. Your words show very well how you feel about the precious grandchild. She brings you much joy and you feel she is a gift from God. judi
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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What a sweet picture. I love her smile. Great ABCB rhyme, and the flow is graceful. Excellent use of figurative language--like the sparkle in the dew drop and like a gem beyond all value. You make good use of alliteration in dappled dancing plumage. Your words show very well how you feel about the precious grandchild. She brings you much joy and you feel she is a gift from God. judi
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank,you Judi, for your gracious words and lovely review, blessings, Roy.
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You're very welcome. You really get across your feelings for that precious grandchild. judi
Comment from Caressa_08
A virtual six your way as it's a poem of true emotion that your Dear granddaughter provokes in being her grandfather...I really liked this & know that I feel the same way about my grandchildren...God's gifts to us who are Oh, so rewarded by these children & are filled with so much gratitude to Our Lord for them.
Caressa
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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A virtual six your way as it's a poem of true emotion that your Dear granddaughter provokes in being her grandfather...I really liked this & know that I feel the same way about my grandchildren...God's gifts to us who are Oh, so rewarded by these children & are filled with so much gratitude to Our Lord for them.
Caressa
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for the gracious review and comments, blessings, Roy.
Comment from Joseph W. Sestrich
This is a wonderful tribute to your precious granddaughter.
I guess I am just not that much of a fan of the word "like" in poetry. Loved the body of your poem, not so much all the likes.
Please don't take this as any kind of attack on your writing. I mean no malice. This is just some quirky bias I have contracted some how.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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This is a wonderful tribute to your precious granddaughter.
I guess I am just not that much of a fan of the word "like" in poetry. Loved the body of your poem, not so much all the likes.
Please don't take this as any kind of attack on your writing. I mean no malice. This is just some quirky bias I have contracted some how.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for the review, for a four there needs to be something grammatically wrong, what is it? Blessings, Roy,
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I guess I am not oware of the guideline rules when it comes to restrictions of one's choice of how many stars to award to any given post. So, since it seems very important to you just think of my four as a five. I don't mind at all. Didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
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Ouch, I want thank you for your observation, I've had a limited formal education, I don't know many poetic. Conventions, I've learnt a lot since I've been here! Somebody mentioned " like" and "the"were discouraged in classes, but I was ignorant, the bible is a great book on poetry, where my inspiration comes from! I've rewritten the poem for aesthetic reasons! Blessings,Roy.
Comment from Jay Leeward
All granddaughters are beautiful -- go ahead, ask me about mine! ;) This little lady is indeed a "sparkle".
How wonderful that you see her each day. Unfortunately, my "gem beyond all value" is twelve hundred miles away, but like you, she is my "heart's delight".
A most enjoyable and eloquent paean to granddaughters everywhere. Thank you.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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All granddaughters are beautiful -- go ahead, ask me about mine! ;) This little lady is indeed a "sparkle".
How wonderful that you see her each day. Unfortunately, my "gem beyond all value" is twelve hundred miles away, but like you, she is my "heart's delight".
A most enjoyable and eloquent paean to granddaughters everywhere. Thank you.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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I'm sorry Jay, we have 3 other grandchildren all living in NY, we live in Australia, so I know how you feel, at least we have this one! Thank you for this gracious review and comments, blessings, Roy.
Comment from MissMerri
I absolutely love this beautiful poem! I know something about the joy a granddaughter can bring, so I related strongly to your lovely words, but feel you have expressed that joy so magnificently. I especially loved these lines: "Like the dappled dancing plumage, of eagle's wings in soaring flight." What a beautiful way to express your adoration for that special little girl! I wish so much I had a six for this!
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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I absolutely love this beautiful poem! I know something about the joy a granddaughter can bring, so I related strongly to your lovely words, but feel you have expressed that joy so magnificently. I especially loved these lines: "Like the dappled dancing plumage, of eagle's wings in soaring flight." What a beautiful way to express your adoration for that special little girl! I wish so much I had a six for this!
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for your very gracious review and comments, blessings, Roy.
