Day Off (Part-2)
A day and night at the beach48 total reviews
Comment from dennis0530
Obviously, the day OFF went to going ON with many things. Decisions, feelings, thinkings all rolled into one complex thing for Bob. After thirty years, he decides to go all out, to give happiness a chance.
It looks like Bob was busy making hay while the sun shined. Now he realizes it; the sun is setting.
Some suggestions:
"chase lounges" - change "chase" to CHAISE
"she surprised the both of them" - remove "the"
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Obviously, the day OFF went to going ON with many things. Decisions, feelings, thinkings all rolled into one complex thing for Bob. After thirty years, he decides to go all out, to give happiness a chance.
It looks like Bob was busy making hay while the sun shined. Now he realizes it; the sun is setting.
Some suggestions:
"chase lounges" - change "chase" to CHAISE
"she surprised the both of them" - remove "the"
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hey Ric
Holy Canoli- sit me down and shut me up! And here I thought she might be taken advantage of. LOL
Great Part 2. I'm looking forward to Part 3 - right?
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*-*)
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Hey Ric
Holy Canoli- sit me down and shut me up! And here I thought she might be taken advantage of. LOL
Great Part 2. I'm looking forward to Part 3 - right?
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*-*)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Jax, for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Part one is a mix of conflict with mostly dialog and narrative, part two is mostly narrative used to cover more ground in less space for Fan Story. And to see if there might be an interest to take the story forward. Thanks for answering my question. :-)
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Definitely need to write Part 3. I'm all in on Part 1 & 2, so bring it on! (*-*)
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You are so kind. I knew I liked you from the time I read your first post. :-)
Comment from Jay Squires
Mutual attraction had grown between them. [This is an example of how heavily narrative this is. The mutual attraction should be shown in the action and dialogue, not have the author tell the reader. With no dialogue to speak of (none between him and her) and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, no dominant point of view character, and no conflict begun ... the story's not going anywhere. I'm sorry Ric. I read your first story of the accident and there WAS conflict. There was something carrying the reader forward. In this one there was a moment I THOUGHT there would be conflict. It was when she glared at the men for sharing winks at her expense. But you let that drop. It was a perfect opportunity to build from.]
Bob laid awake for about an hour [Bob lay awake]
opened the drawer to the bedside nightstand, where he vaguely remembered putting his wallet and car keys. They weren't there. [THIS is the first real conflict!]
He walked to a nearby neighbor's [Could probably leave out "nearby" since it's suggested by neighbor.]
pictures that he can never replace, [pictures he COULD NEVER replace >> "can" is present tense.]
When I finished your story, I saw it was a rather bitter/sweet twist ending. I still maintain, however, the biggest problem was that it was narrative heavy. There should have been dialogue showing their strengthening relationship, but more than that, it should have contained clues of her sordid past, things that she was not willing to open up about. Also, to make the last paragraph more piquant, he should have revealed his materialistic past to her. All this would add up to a dynamic climax and denouement.
I hope I'm not being harsh or discouraging. You are an excellent writer. I think you were too close to your story to have seen the ways to give it more life.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Mutual attraction had grown between them. [This is an example of how heavily narrative this is. The mutual attraction should be shown in the action and dialogue, not have the author tell the reader. With no dialogue to speak of (none between him and her) and, MORE IMPORTANTLY, no dominant point of view character, and no conflict begun ... the story's not going anywhere. I'm sorry Ric. I read your first story of the accident and there WAS conflict. There was something carrying the reader forward. In this one there was a moment I THOUGHT there would be conflict. It was when she glared at the men for sharing winks at her expense. But you let that drop. It was a perfect opportunity to build from.]
Bob laid awake for about an hour [Bob lay awake]
opened the drawer to the bedside nightstand, where he vaguely remembered putting his wallet and car keys. They weren't there. [THIS is the first real conflict!]
He walked to a nearby neighbor's [Could probably leave out "nearby" since it's suggested by neighbor.]
pictures that he can never replace, [pictures he COULD NEVER replace >> "can" is present tense.]
When I finished your story, I saw it was a rather bitter/sweet twist ending. I still maintain, however, the biggest problem was that it was narrative heavy. There should have been dialogue showing their strengthening relationship, but more than that, it should have contained clues of her sordid past, things that she was not willing to open up about. Also, to make the last paragraph more piquant, he should have revealed his materialistic past to her. All this would add up to a dynamic climax and denouement.
I hope I'm not being harsh or discouraging. You are an excellent writer. I think you were too close to your story to have seen the ways to give it more life.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much, Jay for reading part two of my story. And please, don't ever worry about being too harsh or discouraging. I somewhat agree with everything that you've said. I'm here to learn and get better, and in the author remarks I said that part two was more just telling a story and very different from part one. I did it this way to work and improve on my story telling, with very little dialog. Maybe I shouldn't put this on Fan Story, but even honing my narrative can't be improved without someone reading it and making suggestions, good or bad. I appreciate you, reading your work, and anything you have to say that will make me better. Thanks again, Ric
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Thanks again for your maturity and understanding, Ric. It's so hard to know where to draw the line between constructive and destructive criticism.
Once, several years ago when I was first at FanStory, I critiqued a young lady's prose work. I was very specific in my line-to-line critique, showing her everything that was wrong. Well, the reply I got thanked me warmly, but told she me she was giving up writing. That she just wasn't cut out to be a writer. I back-pedaled and hemmed and hawed, but she was determined. I tried to send her a message later, but she was gone.
I just don't know what I could have done differently, though.
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Jay, my friend, we can only hope that people can offer us sincerity and honesty in there responses. How else can we learn. I'd much rather someone tell me it's trash, than to not warn me of the coming train. A short while back I didn't know a noun from a verb, and I've wanted to give up trying to write many times, as did the young girl. I still quit and give up a couple times a week, until I read something that puts me back on course. I appreciate any suggestions and comments you offer. There are those who criticize to be mean. You, however, are a kind and talented writer willing to share your time and knowledge to help us beginners. And I can't thank you enough. Ric.
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You are so kind, Ric. Thank you.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Well done, Ric! You are surely flexing your literary muscles, aren't you?
The ending was most unexpected. I would NEVER have guessed.
A sweet conclusion. Fills one with joy and anticipated hope.
Good for you! Keep writing and I'll keep reading. :)
Sonali
around the neck with his powerful grizzly (arms ..?), almost
another sensual co(-)rival's approval of his pursuit
as they noticed the (glare of distaste) on Libby's face.
Once finished eating lunch, they ... suggest: ... Once lunch was done, they ...
rubber floats on top of cha(i)se lounges for extra
padding(,) and they snuggled
(T)hey laughed, talked, and enjoyed watching tourists play in the waves, and a few bump and grinders dancing to the beats... suggest: .. drop 'then'
at the temples, gave evidence to (the significant age difference between) Bob and (Libby).
(H)e could only hope she wasn't age conscious.... suggest: drop 'therefore'
condos that sit side by side are mine(.)" (H)e pointed them out to
Bob said, (like) a little boy begging
shocked at myself . . . but why not(?) I've
Both were showered, dressed, and ready to go within ... question: How? They didn't have luggage/a change of clothes with them.
turned and looked back, pretending to see her in safely. (In) truth, he was more .. suggest:.. drop 'when'
Bob (lay) awake for about an hour or more
sunlight shining through the (left edge of the )
shades(,) and directly in his eyes. Once
credit cards(no comma here) and pictures that he (could)never replace
hardest part of all, (was) finding out that his dream girl and visions of happiness were no more than a sham
(H)e leaned over, opened the end-table drawer ... suggest: drop 'Then'
Therefore, he made the first snap decision in his life, (and that was .. suggest: ... remove these words) to do everything in his power to find, whatever her name (was), before the police (got her ..?)
(He had) the means to take her far away and start a new life(.) (H)e did not intend to live out his old age miserable and alone.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Well done, Ric! You are surely flexing your literary muscles, aren't you?
The ending was most unexpected. I would NEVER have guessed.
A sweet conclusion. Fills one with joy and anticipated hope.
Good for you! Keep writing and I'll keep reading. :)
Sonali
around the neck with his powerful grizzly (arms ..?), almost
another sensual co(-)rival's approval of his pursuit
as they noticed the (glare of distaste) on Libby's face.
Once finished eating lunch, they ... suggest: ... Once lunch was done, they ...
rubber floats on top of cha(i)se lounges for extra
padding(,) and they snuggled
(T)hey laughed, talked, and enjoyed watching tourists play in the waves, and a few bump and grinders dancing to the beats... suggest: .. drop 'then'
at the temples, gave evidence to (the significant age difference between) Bob and (Libby).
(H)e could only hope she wasn't age conscious.... suggest: drop 'therefore'
condos that sit side by side are mine(.)" (H)e pointed them out to
Bob said, (like) a little boy begging
shocked at myself . . . but why not(?) I've
Both were showered, dressed, and ready to go within ... question: How? They didn't have luggage/a change of clothes with them.
turned and looked back, pretending to see her in safely. (In) truth, he was more .. suggest:.. drop 'when'
Bob (lay) awake for about an hour or more
sunlight shining through the (left edge of the )
shades(,) and directly in his eyes. Once
credit cards(no comma here) and pictures that he (could)never replace
hardest part of all, (was) finding out that his dream girl and visions of happiness were no more than a sham
(H)e leaned over, opened the end-table drawer ... suggest: drop 'Then'
Therefore, he made the first snap decision in his life, (and that was .. suggest: ... remove these words) to do everything in his power to find, whatever her name (was), before the police (got her ..?)
(He had) the means to take her far away and start a new life(.) (H)e did not intend to live out his old age miserable and alone.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much for always being their to offer your help and suggestions. I'm delighted and honored that you are even willing to spend so much time helping me to improve what started as scribbled gibberish only months ago. And only baby steps taken since. As I looked down the list of corrections I need to make, I notice the word sensual that shouldn't be there as it's already been deleted. However, the next word isn't meant to be co-rival, it is "Corrival- challenger, competition, contender, contestant, competitor, rival. However, if the dictionary and thesaurus are wrong, please let me know. I'll trust you over them. I'll keep trying to learn how to write as long as you will keep reading. I can't thank you enough, Sonali, from the heart. Big Hug, Ric.
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Ric, to be honest, I've never encountered the word you mention, and I couldn't find it in my dictionary. It's entirely your call, of course.
I'll keep reading. Keep 'em coming, sir!
Comment from Tonulak
This is a great storyand good writing to boot. Perhaps a little too much was made of the drinking, as I was think the both of them must be blotto. She doesn't seem drunk at all. That was the only thing in this story that made me go, "Wait a minute!". It was tantalyzing enough that i'd like to read Part Two. Great job--Ted
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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This is a great storyand good writing to boot. Perhaps a little too much was made of the drinking, as I was think the both of them must be blotto. She doesn't seem drunk at all. That was the only thing in this story that made me go, "Wait a minute!". It was tantalyzing enough that i'd like to read Part Two. Great job--Ted
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Ted, for taking time to read part-two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, there was too much drinking going on, which was supposed to emphasize them acting like school kids. I guess I didn't do that very well, but I will tone it down. :-)
Comment from AAud
That was definitely a surprise turn of events! In part one I thought Bob had a concussion, or at least a good wallop to the head, so I was surprised that there was no mention of a headache melting away thanks to the drinks and the company. It was almost like the first half of the story hadn't even happened.
But I did enjoy your description of the time Bob and Libby had. I thought it was a cool twist that Libby, though a thief, had returned Bob's wallet and car.
Having Bob wanting to find her again made me wonder if you're planning a part 3? That would be exciting to read about his search. And then when he found her how would she react? Oh, the possibilities!
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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That was definitely a surprise turn of events! In part one I thought Bob had a concussion, or at least a good wallop to the head, so I was surprised that there was no mention of a headache melting away thanks to the drinks and the company. It was almost like the first half of the story hadn't even happened.
But I did enjoy your description of the time Bob and Libby had. I thought it was a cool twist that Libby, though a thief, had returned Bob's wallet and car.
Having Bob wanting to find her again made me wonder if you're planning a part 3? That would be exciting to read about his search. And then when he found her how would she react? Oh, the possibilities!
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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When I was a child, almost every movie had an open-ended close, that let the viewer decide the ending. They are still my preferred choice, as you can tell. In part one, Bob and Libby were shook up, but not seriously hurt, as I described in the opening of this part. Thank you so much for taking time to read the second part of my story. Your kind words, comments and suggestions, along with your generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from livelylinda
Ric: I think this story begins nicely but ended up feeling rushed and somewhat unrealistic, almost childlike. It just didn't ring true to real life. This is just one person's opinion. livelylinda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Ric: I think this story begins nicely but ended up feeling rushed and somewhat unrealistic, almost childlike. It just didn't ring true to real life. This is just one person's opinion. livelylinda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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I'm glad you noticed. That is the whole point of the story. Two adults meet and become kids, and that's what makes it true to real life. It happens every day. The right person at the right time can make us act foolish. Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your comments are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from country ranch writer
Hmm it is your story and you can mess around with it if you want to or just have nothing better to do hehe sounds good to me
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Hmm it is your story and you can mess around with it if you want to or just have nothing better to do hehe sounds good to me
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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LOL. Thanks bunches, my friend, for taking time to read my story. It's always nice to get your thoughts, and I sure appreciate your generous review. :-)
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SMILE
Comment from Hareem.S
Although I haven't read part 1, I really like this story. It starts off very well with some vivid descriptions and I like how the plot develops. Enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Although I haven't read part 1, I really like this story. It starts off very well with some vivid descriptions and I like how the plot develops. Enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very nice ending after a rather predictable "surprise"...but the twist at the end made the difference. I will assume he found her, swept her away where there's no extradition, and they lived happily ever after with 14 kids. :)
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Very nice ending after a rather predictable "surprise"...but the twist at the end made the difference. I will assume he found her, swept her away where there's no extradition, and they lived happily ever after with 14 kids. :)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm just thankful that such a talented writer reads my humble beginnings. :-)
