Day Off (Part-2)
A day and night at the beach48 total reviews
Comment from Muffins
This chapter unravels painstakingly the chance at intense, "I just know it," type of feeling. It allows the reader to experience the full measure of Bob's hope as well as his decision not to let the setback of Libby's true identity to kill off his love for her.
The ending surprised me but the transition is made so smoothly that it reads naturally, not forced.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2014
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This chapter unravels painstakingly the chance at intense, "I just know it," type of feeling. It allows the reader to experience the full measure of Bob's hope as well as his decision not to let the setback of Libby's true identity to kill off his love for her.
The ending surprised me but the transition is made so smoothly that it reads naturally, not forced.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from scd41
Your part two is very different from the previous one. I liked it without dialogues. When a kid tries a new toy, he wavers, But you have shown a lot of maturity in writing this piece.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2014
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Your part two is very different from the previous one. I liked it without dialogues. When a kid tries a new toy, he wavers, But you have shown a lot of maturity in writing this piece.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Some writers feel that we miss opportunities to create more conflict when leaving out dialog. Personally, I think a long narrative can help a story cover more ground in less pages and not spend too much time on the not so important. I'm glad you liked part two. :-)
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Ah, yes, falling in love with the "bad girl". So, the search is on for this feisty felon. Nice twist in the story. Makes your readers want more.
From a mechanical standpoint, the paragraph that begins with "Mutual attraction..." Lots of "tell", but not a lot of "show". This would've been a great place to flesh out, for your readers, the building of their attraction to one another.
I love the story line. Hope you plan on expanding this story.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Ah, yes, falling in love with the "bad girl". So, the search is on for this feisty felon. Nice twist in the story. Makes your readers want more.
From a mechanical standpoint, the paragraph that begins with "Mutual attraction..." Lots of "tell", but not a lot of "show". This would've been a great place to flesh out, for your readers, the building of their attraction to one another.
I love the story line. Hope you plan on expanding this story.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, part one was dialog and conflict packed, so I decided to just play around with almost all narrative in part two. I was trying to cover a lot of ground over fewer pages and find out if anyone might care to read more. Thanks to you and a surprising number of others, I got my answer to expand and take it further. :-)
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You're welcome.
You tested the waters and people are clamoring for more! :D
Comment from JennaG
Great twist! I did not see that coming. I felt there was something she was hiding, but couldn't figure out what. Now I know. Even though I probably shouldn't, I love that Bob resolves to find her in the end. Libby definitely made an impression on him, that's for sure. Now I wonder if he'll be able to track her down. To be continued? I hope so. I really enjoyed reading this. :)
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Great twist! I did not see that coming. I felt there was something she was hiding, but couldn't figure out what. Now I know. Even though I probably shouldn't, I love that Bob resolves to find her in the end. Libby definitely made an impression on him, that's for sure. Now I wonder if he'll be able to track her down. To be continued? I hope so. I really enjoyed reading this. :)
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, JennaG, for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Part one I wrote as a real story. Part two was mostly narrative story telling, trying to cover ground without adding pages, and experiment as I learn. I kind of wanted to see if anyone would want to read more about them. Thanks to you and a few others, I think I'll continue it. :-)
Comment from Titan Black
That's a real live catch-22 situation.
You fall for a girl, only to find out
that she was a "Set Up Artist"... but
her feelings are so deep for you, that
she doesn't take your money when she has
the chance. And Bobbies feelings become
so deep, that he will do anything to find
this chic? Well, he better hope that he
doesn't find her... because she might just
give him what he going to get the first time.
As the saying goes: "First time, shame on you...
Let it happen a second time
and it's a shame on you".
Good writing, with beautiful twist. I like it.
Keep writing.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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That's a real live catch-22 situation.
You fall for a girl, only to find out
that she was a "Set Up Artist"... but
her feelings are so deep for you, that
she doesn't take your money when she has
the chance. And Bobbies feelings become
so deep, that he will do anything to find
this chic? Well, he better hope that he
doesn't find her... because she might just
give him what he going to get the first time.
As the saying goes: "First time, shame on you...
Let it happen a second time
and it's a shame on you".
Good writing, with beautiful twist. I like it.
Keep writing.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, you are exactly right about the girl. Once a criminal, always a criminal. :-)
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No problem. And don't forget to stop by my page, and rate some of my poetry. And if you like what you read, click on that "Fan" button. For, this is all about the networking. So, stay connected.
Comment from chasennov
A day and night at the beach "Day Off (Part-2)" This is a very interesting story you have created here. I have not read part one, but if it's anything like this part it will be as good. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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A day and night at the beach "Day Off (Part-2)" This is a very interesting story you have created here. I have not read part one, but if it's anything like this part it will be as good. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. This part is mostly narrative for practice, and part one was an even mix of narrative and dialog, which is more realistic. :-)
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It was my pleasure.
Comment from GangGreen
Part Two kept me guessing as much as part one-I liked the twist where Libby turned out to be a thief,and the further twist when she returned the goods.That I was upset for Bob when he realized the theft shows a deft ability with character development, especially within the confines of a short story.Bob's friendship with Mario is worth mentioning as it underlines that Bob is an outgoing and warmhearted man,with whom the reader can identify.This is a well structured and proportioned short story- but is it?As a reader I would like to know Libby's back story and how he made his money,how might he change in pursuit of Libby? You have created two strong characters ,need the story end here? Thank you for another enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Part Two kept me guessing as much as part one-I liked the twist where Libby turned out to be a thief,and the further twist when she returned the goods.That I was upset for Bob when he realized the theft shows a deft ability with character development, especially within the confines of a short story.Bob's friendship with Mario is worth mentioning as it underlines that Bob is an outgoing and warmhearted man,with whom the reader can identify.This is a well structured and proportioned short story- but is it?As a reader I would like to know Libby's back story and how he made his money,how might he change in pursuit of Libby? You have created two strong characters ,need the story end here? Thank you for another enjoyable read.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I agree with you totally that I didn't take the story where it should have traveled. The biggest drawback for writing stories on Fan Story is the fact that we have to stay conscious of its length. With chapter two that is mostly narrative, I was just feeling things out to see if readers might want more. And thank to you, I have my answer. Thanks again.
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No problem.
Comment from Sanku
This is a very touching story with a surprise ending. she being a crook would have a ordinary ending ,but you surprised me by bringing out the humane side of her. Bob too rose to the occasion by his resolve to find her.I have not read part one but i hope there would be a part three.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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This is a very touching story with a surprise ending. she being a crook would have a ordinary ending ,but you surprised me by bringing out the humane side of her. Bob too rose to the occasion by his resolve to find her.I have not read part one but i hope there would be a part three.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Part one is a more complete story with a mix of dialog, narrative, and conflict, unlike the mostly narrative of this one. This part was used to see if anyone might be interested in a part three, and thanks for answering my question. :-)
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, ricmyworld. you did an excellent job writing this second part of the story where a man's attention to the woman changed her MOD and he was able to change her life because of it. I enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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this is very well written, ricmyworld. you did an excellent job writing this second part of the story where a man's attention to the woman changed her MOD and he was able to change her life because of it. I enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Gargantuan2
Well, your toy seems to have taken on a life of its own. It is a very well written piece and I enjoyed it quite a bit (might have something to do with my being 54 year old myself). I look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Well, your toy seems to have taken on a life of its own. It is a very well written piece and I enjoyed it quite a bit (might have something to do with my being 54 year old myself). I look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
