Shafted
A 500 word short story33 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Intriguing yarn, very compact in under 500 words. Not much room to build a scene, motivation, etc. I was concerned about the stinging in Lionel's thigh, that seemed to lead to his losing his bearing. That evidently came from Slim, but I wish it had been hinted at earlier.
Also a problem with "Momma". Her role was vague, as was the woman who was dressed as Slim.
The one thing no one can take from you, though is the quality of your writing, your voice.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Intriguing yarn, very compact in under 500 words. Not much room to build a scene, motivation, etc. I was concerned about the stinging in Lionel's thigh, that seemed to lead to his losing his bearing. That evidently came from Slim, but I wish it had been hinted at earlier.
Also a problem with "Momma". Her role was vague, as was the woman who was dressed as Slim.
The one thing no one can take from you, though is the quality of your writing, your voice.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks, jay. I really appreciate you telling me what you liked and didn't like about the story. I prefer much longer writes, but took this on as a challenge.
Live and learn I always say.:)
Comment from Twilightspire
Superb work. I love the dialogue and the whole setting. Damn the being trapped in an elevator.
You did a great job building the suspense and the reveal at the end, the fact that it was his fiancée was perfect.
Fantastic writing. Good luck in the contest.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Superb work. I love the dialogue and the whole setting. Damn the being trapped in an elevator.
You did a great job building the suspense and the reveal at the end, the fact that it was his fiancée was perfect.
Fantastic writing. Good luck in the contest.
-T.J.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks a bunch, TJ, and by the looks of things, and with just a little over an hour to go before the contest is over, I am going to need all of the luck that I can get!
I appreciate your review and the excellent feedback very much.
Comment from Selina Stambi
OO - that was most unexpected!
I guess she wasn't in love with him after all.
I'm sure I know who you are, mystery writer.
Best wishes!
Sonali
That's about as (straightforward) as I can
In the ladies(') room, Elanor "Slim
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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OO - that was most unexpected!
I guess she wasn't in love with him after all.
I'm sure I know who you are, mystery writer.
Best wishes!
Sonali
That's about as (straightforward) as I can
In the ladies(') room, Elanor "Slim
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thank a million, Reach, and I have made those corrections. Only two this time out, huh? Well, I'm getting better, LOL!:D
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I guessed it was you - it had your style written all over it!!
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You guessed correctly, Reach. Just as your style is, many tell me my style of writing prose and poetry is very recognizable, with or without pictures.:)
Comment from Jay Leeward
An intriguing story, this entry is tells nearly the entire story in dialogue. For the most part, I think it works quite well.
I might prefer more indication as to who is speaking; I had to re-read the opening several times to determine who opened the conversation. With the very tight word limit, I certainly understand the limited identifiers. I might suggest "the strange attendant" be moved up several lines. One other minor note in the first line "Why in God's name don't [we] do something...". "They" might be a more appropriate pronoun choice here.
I'm a sucker for a twist ending, and the twist here is great. I had no hint it was coming, and loved the surprise. Well done!
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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An intriguing story, this entry is tells nearly the entire story in dialogue. For the most part, I think it works quite well.
I might prefer more indication as to who is speaking; I had to re-read the opening several times to determine who opened the conversation. With the very tight word limit, I certainly understand the limited identifiers. I might suggest "the strange attendant" be moved up several lines. One other minor note in the first line "Why in God's name don't [we] do something...". "They" might be a more appropriate pronoun choice here.
I'm a sucker for a twist ending, and the twist here is great. I had no hint it was coming, and loved the surprise. Well done!
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Jay, and i really appreciate the feedback -- and you telling me what worked and didn't work for you in the story. I'll seriously look into your suggestions, and I'm very grateful for the review.
Comment from Drew Delaney
Wow! This is a freaky story. It's all about greed and money. The more you have, the more you want in this case. The crash landing is what I have always feared in elevator riding. Well written.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Wow! This is a freaky story. It's all about greed and money. The more you have, the more you want in this case. The crash landing is what I have always feared in elevator riding. Well written.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Me too, Drew!
Thanks so much for the fine review and encouragement. I needed some for this one!
Comment from Tonulak
Nice title for this one:) We had these crazy elevators in our college dorm my freshman year. Most of us in there had some scarey moments. Nice touch with the killer being a woman in disguise. Great write--Ted
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Nice title for this one:) We had these crazy elevators in our college dorm my freshman year. Most of us in there had some scarey moments. Nice touch with the killer being a woman in disguise. Great write--Ted
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks very much, Ted. I'm really glad that you liked it. :)
Comment from mikemagine
So much SHOWN in relatively few words. Very well-executed - no pun... I see no weaknesses in the writing. No spags or anything else. Very well-plotted; excellently paced; never a dull moment!
Mike
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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So much SHOWN in relatively few words. Very well-executed - no pun... I see no weaknesses in the writing. No spags or anything else. Very well-plotted; excellently paced; never a dull moment!
Mike
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much, Mike, I really appreciate it! Now, if just a couple more voters felt as you do, I might be in first place in this here game, LOL.
Much obliged, my friend.:)
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My pleasure!! Oh, I forgot to tell you: the title works VERY well:) As we know, story titles can make a BIG diff!
Mike
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You're absolutely right about that! They can help make or break the story, no doubts about it.
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One guy wrote a super-funny story called Balls Of Steel! The title drew a huge number of readers! It wasn't on this site. I wish I could remember where I read it...!!
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Hah-ha! Yeah, well I would'a read it too, heh-heh...
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Yes:) It was about a teenager working for a wealthy owner of a fertilizer company. The kid hates the employer and vice versa. Gradually the kid works on driving the guy nuts. Finally succeeds! The employer goes after him with a golf club; police arrive and take him to the loony bin. The teenager moves in on the guy's wife and the business:)
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Sounds a lot like something I'd write.:D
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Lol! After reading it, it was quite a while before I sobered up!
Mike
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I just reviewed your narrative on Sonny Liston. Good stuff, Mike.
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Thanks very much my friend!
Mike
Comment from LIJ Red
I can see the headlines: "Nursing home resident disembowels dead son's fiancée with plastic spork." A nicely done tale of assassination.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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I can see the headlines: "Nursing home resident disembowels dead son's fiancée with plastic spork." A nicely done tale of assassination.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Ha ha, thanks, LIJ Red. Your reviews are always far more entertaining than my stories are, LOL...
Comment from Ric Myworld
In my opinion, a humble beginner, who by no means is an accomplished wordsmith or writer, I would have to say that for a 499 word story, this one should be one of, if not the, favorite in this contest. GREAT job. :-)
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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In my opinion, a humble beginner, who by no means is an accomplished wordsmith or writer, I would have to say that for a 499 word story, this one should be one of, if not the, favorite in this contest. GREAT job. :-)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Ric, and I really appreciate that. Too bad a few more voters don't feel as you do, LOL...
I am very grateful for the excellent feedback.
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. The killer disguised her self as a man. That was good. She killed a man who was telling secrets about other criminals. Unfortunately the one he told was his aged mother. I could see killing the criminal. But is was bad to kill his mother. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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I love the story. The killer disguised her self as a man. That was good. She killed a man who was telling secrets about other criminals. Unfortunately the one he told was his aged mother. I could see killing the criminal. But is was bad to kill his mother. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Nellie, and I know it's sad. Lionel doomed his poor mom by telling her their secrets, and contract killers never leave any loose ends lying around. I had to try and make it read realistically.
Thanks, I truly appreciate your exceptional feedback.
