Aug 20
4 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi,
~~ In this sentence, do you mean 'haunt' instead of 'hunt'?
The two teenagers that were killed five years ago still hunt my soul.
~~ Reads disjointed ~~ Where you have your 'period' does not make a complete sentence for either of your sentences. You may want to reword these.
When I got a call saying that a suspect down in lock up who had been arrested for attempted murder. Said he had information to exchange on a cold case for a reduced sentence.
~~ []delete ()add
"That's right(,)(R)[r]emember those two high school girls killed five years ago.
~~ Need comma for direct address.
"If this is true(,) Juan you will get ten years probation a
Are you planning on continuing this in a series. Your ending does not leave the reader with a, "Wow, that was a great story."
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*-*)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
   |
Hi,
~~ In this sentence, do you mean 'haunt' instead of 'hunt'?
The two teenagers that were killed five years ago still hunt my soul.
~~ Reads disjointed ~~ Where you have your 'period' does not make a complete sentence for either of your sentences. You may want to reword these.
When I got a call saying that a suspect down in lock up who had been arrested for attempted murder. Said he had information to exchange on a cold case for a reduced sentence.
~~ []delete ()add
"That's right(,)(R)[r]emember those two high school girls killed five years ago.
~~ Need comma for direct address.
"If this is true(,) Juan you will get ten years probation a
Are you planning on continuing this in a series. Your ending does not leave the reader with a, "Wow, that was a great story."
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*-*)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
-
Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Comment from lancellot
I had just got done testifying in court.
When I got a call saying that a suspect down in lock up who had been arrested for attempted murder. Said he had information to exchange on a cold case for a reduced sentence.
- I don't think these should be three separate sentences, but one.
"Juan[,] I am Detective Jackson. I (here)[hear] you have information for me."
- corrections
"That's right[,] remember those two high school girls killed five years ago. I know who put that black belt around (there)[their] necks and strangled them."
-corrections
"If this is true[,] Juan you will get ten years probation and six months in jail. Give me a name?"
-add
A search warrant was obtained and Derek Washington was picked up [and] he confessed.
- missing word
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
|
I had just got done testifying in court.
When I got a call saying that a suspect down in lock up who had been arrested for attempted murder. Said he had information to exchange on a cold case for a reduced sentence.
- I don't think these should be three separate sentences, but one.
"Juan[,] I am Detective Jackson. I (here)[hear] you have information for me."
- corrections
"That's right[,] remember those two high school girls killed five years ago. I know who put that black belt around (there)[their] necks and strangled them."
-corrections
"If this is true[,] Juan you will get ten years probation and six months in jail. Give me a name?"
-add
A search warrant was obtained and Derek Washington was picked up [and] he confessed.
- missing word
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
-
Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Cajungirl
paragraph 1 hunt should be haunt
The case has gone cold.
paragraph 2 delete who - had been arrested
paragraph 3 - Juan,
Good story. Seems like there will be a part 2.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
|
paragraph 1 hunt should be haunt
The case has gone cold.
paragraph 2 delete who - had been arrested
paragraph 3 - Juan,
Good story. Seems like there will be a part 2.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
-
Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Comment from brightside1099
You have told a complete story in very few words. Good job on the flash. On the other hand, your story is full of errors. I've marked most of them. With corrections, your story will be much more pleasant to read.
killed five years ago still hunt(?) my soul--did you mean haunt?
I had just got done testifying in court.--consider using finished instead of got done.
I here you have information for me.--here (at this place) should be hear (as with your ears).
around there neck--there (as in over there) should be their (possessive form as in more than one)
"If this is true (,)Juan(,) you will get ten years--Juan should be set off by a comma before and after.
Derek Washington was picked up he confessed.--I suggest you end the sentence after up and make "He confessed" your final sentence.
Keep writing.
BB
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
|
You have told a complete story in very few words. Good job on the flash. On the other hand, your story is full of errors. I've marked most of them. With corrections, your story will be much more pleasant to read.
killed five years ago still hunt(?) my soul--did you mean haunt?
I had just got done testifying in court.--consider using finished instead of got done.
I here you have information for me.--here (at this place) should be hear (as with your ears).
around there neck--there (as in over there) should be their (possessive form as in more than one)
"If this is true (,)Juan(,) you will get ten years--Juan should be set off by a comma before and after.
Derek Washington was picked up he confessed.--I suggest you end the sentence after up and make "He confessed" your final sentence.
Keep writing.
BB
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
-
Thank you. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
