Dex and Chianti
A pleasant ride in the woods.35 total reviews
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
Glad I read the notes; lots of times I don't. I spotted at least one. There, I did it too. Clever ending surprised me until Jr. started the interrogation. I enjoyed the read from top to bottom, and then some. Long live the Groucho! Kenny
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
  |
Glad I read the notes; lots of times I don't. I spotted at least one. There, I did it too. Clever ending surprised me until Jr. started the interrogation. I enjoyed the read from top to bottom, and then some. Long live the Groucho! Kenny
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
-
Thanks, Kenny. I rarely read notes, either. Especially when a writer needs them to tell me what the hell he was trying to say in the first place. Man, I wish the Brothers had thought to do A Night at the Asylum!
Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from N.K. Wagner
There's no honor among thieves here. A shame all Dex's manipulating and negotiating was for nothing. It's hard to feel sorry for these guys, but you've made Dex and Chianti human through their friendship. I didn't see any nits, but I was too interested in the story to be distracted. Outstanding work, Lee. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
 |
There's no honor among thieves here. A shame all Dex's manipulating and negotiating was for nothing. It's hard to feel sorry for these guys, but you've made Dex and Chianti human through their friendship. I didn't see any nits, but I was too interested in the story to be distracted. Outstanding work, Lee. :) Nancy
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
-
Thank you, Nancy. Yes, a time-worn premise, but nonetheless relevant. You gotta love Dex for playin' out a losing hand, and thinking he had a chance. Thank you for the galaxy, and I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from rama devi
Excellent story with two clever twists. The first one, I anticipated, but the second, with Junior's appearance, caught me by surprise. Well done!
Outstanding characterization, pacing, dialog/diction and plot development. Good descriptive detail to bring the scene to life as well as the characters.
NOTES
Great visual here and ironic verb:
See, he stoop-struts into an examination room full of fogies wearing white coats and dangling stethoscopes.
* He waggles his cigar and his eyebrows, (and) says, 'Is anyone here a doctor?'
* and his mug boasted more jowls than a bulldog convention,(no,) and more chins than a Chinese laundry.
*
"First(,) what I don't wanna do, Dex, is play no more games with you.
* Second(,) what I don't wanna do,(no ,, or if you want a pause, use ellipses...) is think about how I'm gonna have to kill you in,(.)" (H)he lifted and consulted his old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly,(.) "(T)thirty-seven minutes."
THE ABOVE, WITH EDITS:
* Second, what I don't wanna do...is think about how I'm gonna have to kill you in." He lifted and consulted his old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly. "Thirty-seven minutes."
IN GENERAL, THE DICTION IS SUPERB and helps augment character development to a high caliber. HERE, IT IS OUTSTANDING:
Hell, if this whole thing went vicci-versa, and Junior was squirmin' on that hot seat, you'd do just like him--light out for Kansas, or some other foreign bohunk.
and here:
"You blew up Don Abbitti's freakin' safe, you jamoke! You scooped up the dough, then burned The Pearly Gates down to the ground to cover your tracks.
LOL-
Tom tried to smile, but all those chins couldn't cooperate at the same time.
LOL-
"Sorry. I thought I did. I'm a little preoccupied, with having to kill you and all."
* through the heart . . .
... not . . .
* indispensible organs.
indispensable
Needs a tiny bit of fine tuning, but otherwise, bravo. Held my attention.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
|
Excellent story with two clever twists. The first one, I anticipated, but the second, with Junior's appearance, caught me by surprise. Well done!
Outstanding characterization, pacing, dialog/diction and plot development. Good descriptive detail to bring the scene to life as well as the characters.
NOTES
Great visual here and ironic verb:
See, he stoop-struts into an examination room full of fogies wearing white coats and dangling stethoscopes.
* He waggles his cigar and his eyebrows, (and) says, 'Is anyone here a doctor?'
* and his mug boasted more jowls than a bulldog convention,(no,) and more chins than a Chinese laundry.
*
"First(,) what I don't wanna do, Dex, is play no more games with you.
* Second(,) what I don't wanna do,(no ,, or if you want a pause, use ellipses...) is think about how I'm gonna have to kill you in,(.)" (H)he lifted and consulted his old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly,(.) "(T)thirty-seven minutes."
THE ABOVE, WITH EDITS:
* Second, what I don't wanna do...is think about how I'm gonna have to kill you in." He lifted and consulted his old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly. "Thirty-seven minutes."
IN GENERAL, THE DICTION IS SUPERB and helps augment character development to a high caliber. HERE, IT IS OUTSTANDING:
Hell, if this whole thing went vicci-versa, and Junior was squirmin' on that hot seat, you'd do just like him--light out for Kansas, or some other foreign bohunk.
and here:
"You blew up Don Abbitti's freakin' safe, you jamoke! You scooped up the dough, then burned The Pearly Gates down to the ground to cover your tracks.
LOL-
Tom tried to smile, but all those chins couldn't cooperate at the same time.
LOL-
"Sorry. I thought I did. I'm a little preoccupied, with having to kill you and all."
* through the heart . . .
... not . . .
* indispensible organs.
indispensable
Needs a tiny bit of fine tuning, but otherwise, bravo. Held my attention.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
-
Thanks, rd, for all your fine comments and help. I wish I could convince my characters to always speak in short simple sentences. Some of the long complicated sentences are a bear to punctuate. I appreciate the assistance.
Glad you enjoyed.
Peace, Lee
-
:-))) my pleasure, Lee. Peace, rd
Comment from IndianaIrish
Your use of the contest line is brilliant and so clever, hw. Night at the Opera/Assylum is pretty much the same idea, huh? Great story that had lots of suspense to see who was gonna off who and who'd end up with the money. Great bad guy dialogue, Nd. Perfect twist ending. SPaG-free and entertaining read. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Indy : )
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
|
Your use of the contest line is brilliant and so clever, hw. Night at the Opera/Assylum is pretty much the same idea, huh? Great story that had lots of suspense to see who was gonna off who and who'd end up with the money. Great bad guy dialogue, Nd. Perfect twist ending. SPaG-free and entertaining read. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Indy : )
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for another galaxy, Indy. I'm glad you like the opening. I hate to follow the first line out the window. How many people are going to write medical emergencies?
And don't you wish the Marx Brothers actually did A Night at the Asylum? Madness!
I had fun plotting the lies and double-crosses in this one.
I could have made the ending warm--like a buddy movie, but I liked dropping the unexpected hammer.
Thanks again, Indy. Peace, Lee
Comment from JBCaine
Hump-
A night at the asylum, indeed. Whattaya, nuts? Of course they's all gonna shoot each other...
Nicely done, Sir. This eliding thing, I never noticed.
Another fine tale, and well told. All that, plus a Happy Wanderer reference? Shooooot.
JBCaine-
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
|
Hump-
A night at the asylum, indeed. Whattaya, nuts? Of course they's all gonna shoot each other...
Nicely done, Sir. This eliding thing, I never noticed.
Another fine tale, and well told. All that, plus a Happy Wanderer reference? Shooooot.
JBCaine-
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
-
Hey, JB. Yeah, I knew the bullets had to fly. You're the only one who has tied 'A Night at the Asylum' with the mayhem which ensues. I suppose I made the connection pretty obscure.
The Happy Wanderer was just one of those things that flew off the top of my head and seemed perfect.
Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Ya never tell the man holding the gun. " it'sa good place to die."He just might accommodate ya....
Good story..
Good luck, Carolyn
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2014
|
Ya never tell the man holding the gun. " it'sa good place to die."He just might accommodate ya....
Good story..
Good luck, Carolyn
Comment Written 19-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2014
-
You got that right, Carolyn. Talk about asking for it.
Glad you enjoyed. Thanks a bunch.
Peace, Lee
Comment from c_lucas
Never trust a thief to be honest when cash is involved. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Wishing you luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2014
|
Never trust a thief to be honest when cash is involved. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Wishing you luck in your contest.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2014
-
Thank you, Charlie. That's solid advice. Peace, Lee
-
You're welcome, Lee. Love your characters.
Comment from royowen
I loved your well written story about treachery and counter treachery! The scene was set in the first few chapters, you knew somehow there was only going to be one winner, or indeed, no winners! I found it it have well defined characters, tension from the beginning and continued till the end, with a wonderfully contrived surprise ending! Well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2014
|
I loved your well written story about treachery and counter treachery! The scene was set in the first few chapters, you knew somehow there was only going to be one winner, or indeed, no winners! I found it it have well defined characters, tension from the beginning and continued till the end, with a wonderfully contrived surprise ending! Well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2014
-
Thank you, Roy. Thanks for your fine comments. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Sasha
Great work with this one. You had me guessing right up to the end on what was going to happen. You caught me completely off guard with this ending...but I loved it. I swear I remember seeing A Night at the Asylum with the Marx Brothers....are you sure they never made it?????
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
|
Great work with this one. You had me guessing right up to the end on what was going to happen. You caught me completely off guard with this ending...but I loved it. I swear I remember seeing A Night at the Asylum with the Marx Brothers....are you sure they never made it?????
Comment Written 19-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
-
That's funny, Sasha. Every night with the Marx Brothers was a night at the asylum. They turned A Night at the Opera into a night at the asylum. Thanks again, and I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Ric Myworld
You've spent enough time 'round the corner, drinking a few sarsaparillas and shootin' the breeze, or on the other side of the hip hop tracks, listening to Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin at the "House of Como." Thanks for another entertaining story. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
|
You've spent enough time 'round the corner, drinking a few sarsaparillas and shootin' the breeze, or on the other side of the hip hop tracks, listening to Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin at the "House of Como." Thanks for another entertaining story. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
-
thank you again, Ric. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
