Dex and Chianti
A pleasant ride in the woods.35 total reviews
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Great response to the prompt, Lee. Actually there are a number of good responses to this prompt. Scam, scam and double scam. Love the twists and turns . . . and the jowl humor. Great job!
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Great response to the prompt, Lee. Actually there are a number of good responses to this prompt. Scam, scam and double scam. Love the twists and turns . . . and the jowl humor. Great job!
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much, Green Lake Girl. I've only read a few entries so far. I expect to see a deluge as the deadline approaches. Will you have an entry?
Thank for the great review. Peace, Lee
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I won't have an entry in this contest. I rarely participate in contests, although I'd like to do more. I only have so much time I can allot to writing and it's all I can do to produce a chapter every 7 - 10 days!
Comment from Narvik
Well, I'd say this story had everything, Lee.
Nicely paced plot that steadily materializes and keeps the reader interested. The intermittent clock times are a nice touch for tension.
Good visuals, I particularly liked Dex hopping his chair forward.
I saw three twists here: The twist with Dex claiming to know where the money was hid, Chianti getting shot, and Dexter getting shot. was done just right.
I might be the only one, but I didn't get the chin/Chinese laundry joke.
"Okay, thirty six" (you hyphenated this in earlier dialogue, so maybe to it here)
Anyway, I just submitted my story in this contest but can't see it beating this.
Gotta hand it to you, Lee. You're one helluva story-teller.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Well, I'd say this story had everything, Lee.
Nicely paced plot that steadily materializes and keeps the reader interested. The intermittent clock times are a nice touch for tension.
Good visuals, I particularly liked Dex hopping his chair forward.
I saw three twists here: The twist with Dex claiming to know where the money was hid, Chianti getting shot, and Dexter getting shot. was done just right.
I might be the only one, but I didn't get the chin/Chinese laundry joke.
"Okay, thirty six" (you hyphenated this in earlier dialogue, so maybe to it here)
Anyway, I just submitted my story in this contest but can't see it beating this.
Gotta hand it to you, Lee. You're one helluva story-teller.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thanks for your analysis, Erik. The stuff I like to hear.
There's an old joke about some guy having 'more chins than a Chinese phone book'. I guess that works better, but I didn't want to steal it outright.
I'm looking forward to reading another of Floyd's adventures.
I expect competition to be stiff for this contest.
Thanks for the galaxy, and the support.
Peace, Lee
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Yeah, Lee, I figured out that "chins" joke right after I submitted the review. I shoudla known cuz I knew a guy in the army named "Chen" (the only Chinese guy in our platoon), and we all called hum Chinny.
Comment from boxergirl
Ha! Great story for the contest. Clever beginning with the trivia question. The dialogue is realistic, the plot is engaging, and the twist at the end sends a loud message. "There is no honor among thieves." 8-)
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Ha! Great story for the contest. Clever beginning with the trivia question. The dialogue is realistic, the plot is engaging, and the twist at the end sends a loud message. "There is no honor among thieves." 8-)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thank you, boxergirl. When everyone has to start with the same sentence, I try to find a different approach. So glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from sibhus
This pretty awesome there, Lee. The inventive use of the opening line was fantastic. I really did not see that coming, and I love the double-cross, triple cross of the story. Man, Lee, you really got the whole mob thing down so well. Hey, you don't know the Gatoloni brothers from Chicago? Yeah, mums da word, sorry. Good stuff there, Lee, and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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This pretty awesome there, Lee. The inventive use of the opening line was fantastic. I really did not see that coming, and I love the double-cross, triple cross of the story. Man, Lee, you really got the whole mob thing down so well. Hey, you don't know the Gatoloni brothers from Chicago? Yeah, mums da word, sorry. Good stuff there, Lee, and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Hey, sibhus, thank you. The Gataloni Brothers. Sound like good characters! Glad you enjoyed, my friend. Peace, Lee
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I wasn't expecting that! LOL, I would have shot him too, had he tried to double cross me. Cor blimee, you don' do fings like that!! Loved this story, Lee, I thought Tommy would shoot him and take the lot, but wasn't expecting Junior to be alive, that part I really did believe! Well done, Lee, a great contest entry. Good luck!! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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I wasn't expecting that! LOL, I would have shot him too, had he tried to double cross me. Cor blimee, you don' do fings like that!! Loved this story, Lee, I thought Tommy would shoot him and take the lot, but wasn't expecting Junior to be alive, that part I really did believe! Well done, Lee, a great contest entry. Good luck!! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much, Sandra. Yeah, there was no way I could save Dexter. But Tommy was too obvious. I had to leave it to Junior.
I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from nancy_e_davis
There's just no honor among thieves! That would be a terrible world to live in. Friends a long time huh? With friends like that who needs enemies. LOL Love the dialogue, no surprise, because you are so talented. Well done Lee. Nancy
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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There's just no honor among thieves! That would be a terrible world to live in. Friends a long time huh? With friends like that who needs enemies. LOL Love the dialogue, no surprise, because you are so talented. Well done Lee. Nancy
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thank you, Nancy. Yes, a well-worn moral. But aren't they all?
Always fun to attach a new spin on an old saw. Delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from drivenbackward
Good story, hump. Great dialogue. A few notes to consider:
Tom Chianti made a sour face -- Can you show this?
is think about how I'm gonna have to kill you in--" he lifted and consulted the old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly-- "thirty-seven minutes." -- I don't think I've ever seen dashes used like this. Reads a little odd. Another option to consider: I'm going to have to kill you in..." He lifted and consulted the old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly. "Thirty-seven minutes."
"How many pretty young crotches . . .?" -- Would read better without ellipsis here. Great line.
Then I'm gonna do whatever the Don tells me--which will be shoot you dead." -- Comma would read better than dash.
"Two-hundred -forty Gs." -- Check spacing of hyphen.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Good story, hump. Great dialogue. A few notes to consider:
Tom Chianti made a sour face -- Can you show this?
is think about how I'm gonna have to kill you in--" he lifted and consulted the old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly-- "thirty-seven minutes." -- I don't think I've ever seen dashes used like this. Reads a little odd. Another option to consider: I'm going to have to kill you in..." He lifted and consulted the old-fashioned pocket watch he kept chained across his ponderous belly. "Thirty-seven minutes."
"How many pretty young crotches . . .?" -- Would read better without ellipsis here. Great line.
Then I'm gonna do whatever the Don tells me--which will be shoot you dead." -- Comma would read better than dash.
"Two-hundred -forty Gs." -- Check spacing of hyphen.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you, drivenbackward. I've been having trouble punctuating that pocket watch sentence. I'll try your version, thanks.
I like the ellipsis at the end of the 'crotch' line because they indicate an unfinished sentence.
I use dashes in dialogue when I want to indicate a pause longer than that indicated by a mere comma.
I appreciate all your comments and suggestions.
Many thanks. Peace, Lee
Comment from dennis0530
A tale about cross and double-cross. That is how it is in the underworld.
When it comes to the issue of money, these elements go by the guideline that "Dishonesty is the better policy."
The dialogue is believable and the convincing and counters stimulate a reader's interest to finding out what happens next.
However, the end is a twister. The convincer and the convinced are gone and an unexpected winner whistles away with the bounty.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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A tale about cross and double-cross. That is how it is in the underworld.
When it comes to the issue of money, these elements go by the guideline that "Dishonesty is the better policy."
The dialogue is believable and the convincing and counters stimulate a reader's interest to finding out what happens next.
However, the end is a twister. The convincer and the convinced are gone and an unexpected winner whistles away with the bounty.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014
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Thank you again, dennis. Your comments are much appreciated. Peace, Lee
Comment from LadyCosgrove
...and another perfect little gem hits my screen - A compelling read, as always. I sincerely hope you will publish all these one day. I'd love a copy on my bookshelf when you do. xx
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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...and another perfect little gem hits my screen - A compelling read, as always. I sincerely hope you will publish all these one day. I'd love a copy on my bookshelf when you do. xx
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Ah, Lady C, thank you. You flatter me. Someday I hope to publish, but I keep trying to get better. At least when I do decide to publish, I'll have a lot to choose from.
I'm so glad you enjoyed. I enjoy your reviews. Peace, Lee
Comment from Nosha17
Gosh, you make even crime seem fun! I shouldn't have been laughing when I knew someone was going to cop it! Well written, slick dialogue as always. You know this gangster talk so well, are you sure you weren't one in another life?! This was better than the other story where I thought there was too much adult content. Here you relied on strong story, good humour, characters and dialogue, and you don't need the other stuff. Just my opinion. Most enjoyable. Faye
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Gosh, you make even crime seem fun! I shouldn't have been laughing when I knew someone was going to cop it! Well written, slick dialogue as always. You know this gangster talk so well, are you sure you weren't one in another life?! This was better than the other story where I thought there was too much adult content. Here you relied on strong story, good humour, characters and dialogue, and you don't need the other stuff. Just my opinion. Most enjoyable. Faye
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you, Faye. I appreciate your comments, and I'm glad you were more comfortable with this story. If I lose my way again, I'll count on you to let me, deal?
Thanks again, Faye.
Peace, Lee
