Turncoat!
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Turncoat, Part 6"WW2 One soldier's ordeal at the fall of Berlin
33 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
great chapter--drew me right in. Great continued deep POV. Super swift pacing and authentic-sounding dialog that speeds it along. Excellent mechanics, except for a few minor typos:
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Let's get the kitten, Elsa.(,)" I said, hoping she wouldn't send me for it.
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"Why(,) the little devil!" (comma optional, I think, but it sounds more natural to put it there-to my ear)
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Her narrowed eyes said (she) didn't appreciate being upstaged
Also, one (optional) suggestion:
The truth, as far as she was capable of telling it, but whatever happened,
It was the truth, as far as she was capable of telling it, but whatever happened,
Your action tags and narrative description brings the scene to life, including the internal landscapes of emotion. Bravo.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2014
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great chapter--drew me right in. Great continued deep POV. Super swift pacing and authentic-sounding dialog that speeds it along. Excellent mechanics, except for a few minor typos:
*
Let's get the kitten, Elsa.(,)" I said, hoping she wouldn't send me for it.
*
"Why(,) the little devil!" (comma optional, I think, but it sounds more natural to put it there-to my ear)
*
Her narrowed eyes said (she) didn't appreciate being upstaged
Also, one (optional) suggestion:
The truth, as far as she was capable of telling it, but whatever happened,
It was the truth, as far as she was capable of telling it, but whatever happened,
Your action tags and narrative description brings the scene to life, including the internal landscapes of emotion. Bravo.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 18-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2014
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Thanks. Printing this out to fix the nits. This one's fun to write, because Schutte is on loan from Marilyn Callahan. She created him, and I'm putting my spin on things. Hans can't read the guy, which is one of Hans's strong points. He knows there's something hidden, something terrible. The man's cold as a snake and just as deadly.
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Yes--those aspects come through in this chapter. I forgot to mention that--superb mulch-dimensional character development! The cold snake hidden underneath the kitten-lover :)
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh, I loved this chapter! The introduction of this poor, staring kitten is really touching, especially since it has seemingly captured Schutte's heart. I saw nothing needing any change.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2014
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Oh, I loved this chapter! The introduction of this poor, staring kitten is really touching, especially since it has seemingly captured Schutte's heart. I saw nothing needing any change.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Dawn. I had fun writing it. Hans doesn't hate cats, he's just being a realist. So, if Schutte wants to keep it, and it takes away some of the guy's scariness, fine. He can keep it.
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oops - that was supposed to read 'starving' kitten - my darn keyboard is sticking again - LOL.
I think it makes a wonderful addition to the story - a deft touch because it gives marvelous contrast to the starkness/grimness of the circumstances. Just my opinion. :)
Comment from Alaskastory
Part 6 give a real picture of Hans attitude toward Elsa and Schutte. The adventure with the kitten caused him to take yet another view of Schutte. Very nicely done, Nor. This is such a pleasure to read. Marie
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2014
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Part 6 give a real picture of Hans attitude toward Elsa and Schutte. The adventure with the kitten caused him to take yet another view of Schutte. Very nicely done, Nor. This is such a pleasure to read. Marie
Comment Written 18-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2014
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Glad you liked it, Marie. Thanks for all your comments.
Comment from seaglass
Another great chapter. The killer could have easily killed the kitten but felt tenderness for it...sometimes the odd turn of a sociopath. This does a great job of conveying the tension that would be felt for this situation.
last line...
"Her narrowed eyes said ( add she) didn't appreciate"
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Another great chapter. The killer could have easily killed the kitten but felt tenderness for it...sometimes the odd turn of a sociopath. This does a great job of conveying the tension that would be felt for this situation.
last line...
"Her narrowed eyes said ( add she) didn't appreciate"
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Will fix it, seaglass. You got it, and so did Hans. This Schutte guy killed his own father. Hans isn't sure, but the change in the man was creepy when he mentioned dear old dad. And Elsa, of course, is mad at both of them. She's no longer the center of attention. Thanks for your comments and review.
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Narasistic (sp) personalities will be what they are no matter what the situation.
Comment from Drew Delaney
The last line kind of befuddles me. Is there a word missing or am I not reading this in context? It's a great story, Nor84. You must know some German to write a story about a German situation. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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The last line kind of befuddles me. Is there a word missing or am I not reading this in context? It's a great story, Nor84. You must know some German to write a story about a German situation. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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I think there's a word missing, 'she'. Will fix.
My German's pretty weak, but I've self-studied. Very useful when one of those guys from India calls, claiming to be from Microsoft Tech-ni-cal De-part-ment. I just start screaming at him,"Wie, bitte? Was wollen Sie? Ich versehe Sie nicht!
And he hangs up before I get to "Verdammt, rufen Sie diese Nummer nicht!"
Not sure all that's correct, but close enough. It works, LOL.
Thanks for reviewing.
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Awesome and funny. LOL
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I get a lot of those calls from India, and I used to get angry. Now, I all I have to say is , "Hallo?" and sound German. Most hang up. A new one happens now and then, but he remembers next time.
It's fun when they call now.
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You're so funny, nor 84. They must think Hitler is still alive. LOL
Comment from emrpoems
Good characterization
good use of dialogue and descriptive language
Good story plan and development
She wore her anger on her cheeks, like rouge, and trailed after us.' Loved this expression
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Good characterization
good use of dialogue and descriptive language
Good story plan and development
She wore her anger on her cheeks, like rouge, and trailed after us.' Loved this expression
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Glad you liked it, and appreciate your review, as always.
Comment from Taffspride
I like the way the story is going. When I read the line:
'She wore her anger on her cheeks, like rouge, and trailed after us.'
Elsa became very real to me. There is something about the way you have phrased it, that makes me see her very clearly.
It was though one could see through the faded beauty to the handsome woman she once was.
I am looking forward to reading more.
Iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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I like the way the story is going. When I read the line:
'She wore her anger on her cheeks, like rouge, and trailed after us.'
Elsa became very real to me. There is something about the way you have phrased it, that makes me see her very clearly.
It was though one could see through the faded beauty to the handsome woman she once was.
I am looking forward to reading more.
Iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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She would still be a beauty, if makeup and fine clothes were available. The bone structure is there. She's annoyed with all of them -- Schutte, for ordering her to hurry with the flashlight and calling her 'woman', Hans, for sending her to the kitchen to fix something to eat. This was a wealthy girl, and she's NEVER had to do things on anyone's order. She's not a servant. She's even mad at that stupid kitten for stealing all the attention, upon which she thrives. Hans knows he's going to have to butter her up later.Glad you like it, Ann.
Comment from c_lucas
No woman likes to be upstaged. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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No woman likes to be upstaged. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Charlie.
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You're welcome, Norma. Charlie
Comment from Nosha17
Interesting, well-written chapter with strong story line. It read well and the dialogue was strong. Characterisations are good and good use of descriptive language to describe the setting, Most enjoyable as always. Faye
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Interesting, well-written chapter with strong story line. It read well and the dialogue was strong. Characterisations are good and good use of descriptive language to describe the setting, Most enjoyable as always. Faye
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Thanks, as always, Faye.
Comment from hvysmker
The kitten, barely fitting in the palm of his hand, was the color of slate and hissing indignantly.
*** Reminds me of my first try at picking up my black cat, Snowball. She was okay until I started to walk off with her. Then, she became a furry fiery, scratching and biting. She was small like the one in this story, but put up a huge fight as I carried her across the street to my home. It took a half hour for my bleeding to stop.
By that night, though, she was friendly, lying on my lap. And Snowball has shown no inclination to go outside, even when I left a door open for hours. She's decided to be an inside cat.
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"Probably feral," I said. "There's a mother somewhere. She'll get in and feed it."
He didn't seem to hear me, and despite the danger from those sharp little teeth, he brought the kitten closer to his face.
*** I'd reword that sentence and take out those commas -- maybe split it? "He didn't seem to hear me. Despite the danger, he brought the kitten closer to his face."
There was more to the story than he was willing to share, and a chill crawled up my spine.
*** I don't like that "and". Maybe ".......share, sending a chill up my spine."?
Her narrowed eyes said didn't appreciate being upstaged by a fur ball and ordered to the kitchen like a servant.
*** Her narrowed eyes SHOWED SHE didn't appreciate.......
Just a few suggestions, only the last being necessary with a "she" missing.
This section advances the story with information about Herr Schutte. There is still a conflict looming with two Alpha males and one Beta female -- and a cat.
Charlie
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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The kitten, barely fitting in the palm of his hand, was the color of slate and hissing indignantly.
*** Reminds me of my first try at picking up my black cat, Snowball. She was okay until I started to walk off with her. Then, she became a furry fiery, scratching and biting. She was small like the one in this story, but put up a huge fight as I carried her across the street to my home. It took a half hour for my bleeding to stop.
By that night, though, she was friendly, lying on my lap. And Snowball has shown no inclination to go outside, even when I left a door open for hours. She's decided to be an inside cat.
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"Probably feral," I said. "There's a mother somewhere. She'll get in and feed it."
He didn't seem to hear me, and despite the danger from those sharp little teeth, he brought the kitten closer to his face.
*** I'd reword that sentence and take out those commas -- maybe split it? "He didn't seem to hear me. Despite the danger, he brought the kitten closer to his face."
There was more to the story than he was willing to share, and a chill crawled up my spine.
*** I don't like that "and". Maybe ".......share, sending a chill up my spine."?
Her narrowed eyes said didn't appreciate being upstaged by a fur ball and ordered to the kitchen like a servant.
*** Her narrowed eyes SHOWED SHE didn't appreciate.......
Just a few suggestions, only the last being necessary with a "she" missing.
This section advances the story with information about Herr Schutte. There is still a conflict looming with two Alpha males and one Beta female -- and a cat.
Charlie
Comment Written 17-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2014
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Yeah, there is. Hans left Berlin only because he wanted to escort Elsa from the city to avoid the incoming Red Army soldiers. It wasn't something he wanted to do, he considered it a duty. He believed he could make it through the invasion, hiding out with his uncle.
He's risking his neck, and she's turning her attention to another man, one he knows is capable of just about anything.
Thanks for the suggestions, Charlie. I'm printing them out.
