CHAPTER CUATRO, PART UNO
Soni has a visitor.45 total reviews
Comment from L.M.Mullins
Ah the missing chapter... Definitely fills in some of the missing blanks. Excellent tension back and forth in the dialogue.
LM
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2014
  |
Ah the missing chapter... Definitely fills in some of the missing blanks. Excellent tension back and forth in the dialogue.
LM
Comment Written 22-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2014
-
Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from deepwater
you have the makings of a good book MsB run out of 6s but you have my support
Soni released a deep breath. "That's true but when we hire we make sure they're legal. They are legally US residents. They have social security cards, our accountant takes Federal Taxes out, and they all have health insurance. We have employees from Mexico and other Latin American countries. Is this a problem?" She glared at him as both dogs stood. "Alex and Tatiana, please show the gentleman your social security cards." Soni motioned for the boys to sit.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
|
you have the makings of a good book MsB run out of 6s but you have my support
Soni released a deep breath. "That's true but when we hire we make sure they're legal. They are legally US residents. They have social security cards, our accountant takes Federal Taxes out, and they all have health insurance. We have employees from Mexico and other Latin American countries. Is this a problem?" She glared at him as both dogs stood. "Alex and Tatiana, please show the gentleman your social security cards." Soni motioned for the boys to sit.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from Sonaleeka
Hey My friend,It's always a pleasure to read your stuff.I am glad a read this awesome piece too.Very nicely written.i just loved it.
God bless!
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
|
Hey My friend,It's always a pleasure to read your stuff.I am glad a read this awesome piece too.Very nicely written.i just loved it.
God bless!
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from a651bdg
I like this story a lot. It clearly shows the history of Soni's family, who are descendants of the Lipan Apache's tribe. I like the plot of the chapter, which tells me that Homeland Security is suspicious of the Native Americans that live on the reservation and the cowboys that work there. My only complaint is that it took a while to realize that Goliath and Mack were the names of the 2 dogs.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
 |
I like this story a lot. It clearly shows the history of Soni's family, who are descendants of the Lipan Apache's tribe. I like the plot of the chapter, which tells me that Homeland Security is suspicious of the Native Americans that live on the reservation and the cowboys that work there. My only complaint is that it took a while to realize that Goliath and Mack were the names of the 2 dogs.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
-
I am sorry you have not read the previous posts or you would have known that Goliath and Mack are Great Pyrenees. It would be a very long novel if I spelled everything out in every post.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Under siege? The drama heightens!
Enjoyed the chapter, Barbara. Look forward to reading more.
Sonali
Soni handed Robert the second (set ..?) of papers she'd brought
May I please have copies of the (paperwork)?"
Then, carefully pulled (it out) and said, "T
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
|
Under siege? The drama heightens!
Enjoyed the chapter, Barbara. Look forward to reading more.
Sonali
Soni handed Robert the second (set ..?) of papers she'd brought
May I please have copies of the (paperwork)?"
Then, carefully pulled (it out) and said, "T
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for the catches. I've make the changes.
Comment from Twilightspire
Excellent work, Barbara. This chapter works to set-up the next few nicely and really drives the plot home.
I'm not too sure of Homeland Security, they always seem to be kind of shadowy in there dealings, not really being all that fleshed out.
You do a great job setting up the characters and differentiating each while peppering the chapter with backstory. I love how you build the tension slowly, without giving all that much away.
Great job.
I did find a couple suggestions for you:
Mescaline is derived from the peyote cactus and is a hallucinogen very similar to LSD, not as powerful."
-I would suggest putting a "but" before "not as powerful."
Would you mind giving me a tour?
-Forgot the quotation mark before "Would"
Can't wait for the next chapter.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
|
Excellent work, Barbara. This chapter works to set-up the next few nicely and really drives the plot home.
I'm not too sure of Homeland Security, they always seem to be kind of shadowy in there dealings, not really being all that fleshed out.
You do a great job setting up the characters and differentiating each while peppering the chapter with backstory. I love how you build the tension slowly, without giving all that much away.
Great job.
I did find a couple suggestions for you:
Mescaline is derived from the peyote cactus and is a hallucinogen very similar to LSD, not as powerful."
-I would suggest putting a "but" before "not as powerful."
Would you mind giving me a tour?
-Forgot the quotation mark before "Would"
Can't wait for the next chapter.
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for the helpful review. I have made the changes.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Great chapter, Barbara. Your plotting is excellent here, as is the dialogue which gives the right amount of backstory while moving the story forward. Terrific!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
|
Great chapter, Barbara. Your plotting is excellent here, as is the dialogue which gives the right amount of backstory while moving the story forward. Terrific!
:) Bev
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
-
You're very welcome, Barbara. :)
Comment from irishauthorme
Went back and re-read from the start, to catch up. I do not look for spags, because I have so many in my own efforts. Your story flows well, powered by your excellent dialogue. I see that you are using dialogue more often to illustrate points, to express your character's, feelings and attitude, or as a prelude to an important event. This keeps your story from lagging and encourages me to read further.
I feel that you have made real progress since your previous story, in structure and form. To an avid reader, long chapters are not a problem.
Good idea in expanding the ranch, and the home town of your protagonist. Your plot is complicated enough to make a serious reader pay attention, good.
Don't let the nit-pickers get you down.
Great story, irish
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
 |
Went back and re-read from the start, to catch up. I do not look for spags, because I have so many in my own efforts. Your story flows well, powered by your excellent dialogue. I see that you are using dialogue more often to illustrate points, to express your character's, feelings and attitude, or as a prelude to an important event. This keeps your story from lagging and encourages me to read further.
I feel that you have made real progress since your previous story, in structure and form. To an avid reader, long chapters are not a problem.
Good idea in expanding the ranch, and the home town of your protagonist. Your plot is complicated enough to make a serious reader pay attention, good.
Don't let the nit-pickers get you down.
Great story, irish
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for dropping by and leaving this encouraging review.
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Barbie, another good chapter. Very interesting that the policeman should just pitch up there and start asking questions. I wonder what he is actually after. I see Alex noted he had no search warrant. Might not be a real policeman at all. Luv jada
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
|
Hi Barbie, another good chapter. Very interesting that the policeman should just pitch up there and start asking questions. I wonder what he is actually after. I see Alex noted he had no search warrant. Might not be a real policeman at all. Luv jada
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
-
Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from Jay Squires
She motioned toward the lady refreshing Alex's coffee. [This just sounds odd. Normally you would use her name, but I think you didn't want to use "Tatiana" so close to the other use. But, "the lady" doesn't sound right.]
"Just because we employ a large number of cowboys doesn't mean they're illegal." [I think this needs a dialogue tag. I think Soni said it, but not certain.]
Robert place the bottom of this thumb against a rectangular pad . . . Hughes put the papers inside and closed it. . . Robert set the briefcase on the floor. [This is awkward, Barbara, since it sounds like two separate people doing the activities. I can't fathom why you would change it.]
Soni stood, and so did the two large dogs. [This is always a good touch.]
Robert ate the last bit of coffee cake, and then stood. [Again, this comes after "Hughes showed his badge." Why can't you just use "he"?
Barbara, I wouldn't keep harping on this if it wasn't so jarring -- and, personally, I think unnecessary.
In spite of what I pointed out above, this is a powerful chapter. You blend narrative and dialogue together so well. Both seem wedded so nicely together.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
|
She motioned toward the lady refreshing Alex's coffee. [This just sounds odd. Normally you would use her name, but I think you didn't want to use "Tatiana" so close to the other use. But, "the lady" doesn't sound right.]
"Just because we employ a large number of cowboys doesn't mean they're illegal." [I think this needs a dialogue tag. I think Soni said it, but not certain.]
Robert place the bottom of this thumb against a rectangular pad . . . Hughes put the papers inside and closed it. . . Robert set the briefcase on the floor. [This is awkward, Barbara, since it sounds like two separate people doing the activities. I can't fathom why you would change it.]
Soni stood, and so did the two large dogs. [This is always a good touch.]
Robert ate the last bit of coffee cake, and then stood. [Again, this comes after "Hughes showed his badge." Why can't you just use "he"?
Barbara, I wouldn't keep harping on this if it wasn't so jarring -- and, personally, I think unnecessary.
In spite of what I pointed out above, this is a powerful chapter. You blend narrative and dialogue together so well. Both seem wedded so nicely together.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2014
-
I have been gigged by editors and from FS when trying to get the Quality seal that I use too many pronouns. I now use more poper nouns and it seems to work. Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
