Bonnie and Turtle Blue
When Children Smile!-Contest Entry37 total reviews
Comment from The Death
Re-review:
You've worked really well here, but few issues(already stated) are still here. Much better than the previous one.
Review(3 stars):
Hi, Mikey.
Very lovely story-poem! It's interesting and enjoyable. The opening stanza draws one in and subsequent developments are also engaging and well-thought out.
You could say, as turtles go, that
he took the normal, patient way.
A few months passed with no big whoop.
He pecked his egg 'till freed one day.
Here, TURtles has forced accent. Nice use of internal rhyme in the first two lines. Nice use of A assonance.
Metrical issues here. I'm highlighting them:
Swift through the air he flew, then crashed
LANDing hard, he tripped and STUMbled,
his tender shell was bruised and scratched,
new to life already HUMbled.
Example edit:
Swift through the air he flew, then crashed(.)
On landing hard, he tripped and fell,
his tender shell was bruised and scratched(--)
new to life and its changing spell.
Just optional. You'll have to think about other end rhyme.
Nice introduction of more characters. Children like it a lot:
Young Barry Blue so loved the sea,
those turtles scamp'ring fearful quick,
while seagulls swooped in swift pursuit.
(His sister Bonnie thought him sick.)
You used 'swift' in the previous stanza, so you may have 'brisk' to avoid redundancy.
Consider slight changes in these lines to make the scansion sharper:
Some reached the safe splash of the waves,
those few lived long there and they grew.
Some reached the lap of splashing waves
those few lived long and there they grew.
The iambic foot between 'splash of' sounds a bit forced when read aloud--the way children's poem are read.
I won't re-write every part, so just pointing them out. You will surely come up with something excellent.
She saw the drama unFOLding.
The poor FELla sure to be dead.
The turtle's eyes now open, surprise! >> 9 syllables
He thought, Yes! As BONnie yelled, "Yea!"
Was Blackbeard's lost TREAsure SPOTted?
What in the world could you have found?"
It is NAture's way, I'm SORry
Loved this part:
Oh, Poppa, it was life and death.
Attacked- was my good friend... right there!
That vicious gull dove for the kill.
I had to show my friend, I care!"
Excellent description of parent-child interaction through dialogues. Like the theme of friendship.
Fantastic use of phonetics here:
As months to years became, wounds healed.
His shell grew strong- her legs grew too.
They bore their scars with heads held high.
With what they had they just made do
Excellent use of D,R,S consonance, W,H alliteration.
Nice twist in the story:
her father now could see him grown(--) use a dash here
a yearning soul that must be free.
He sadly told her, "it's now time,
your friend belongs out at (the) sea." 7 syllables
She placed TURtle Blue on the sand.>> She placed Blue Turtle..
She slowly walked by the ocean.
His scarred BOdy strong now and healed,
His once scarred body now strongly healed
he followed in rhythmic MOtion.
She loved the mystery HIDden. (You can exchange places of 'mystery' and 'hidden' to get the meter right).
She wouldn't(1 syllable) be told what to be(.)
Make it 'would not'. As you've 'she' in the previous line, you can start this line with 'and' to have better flow.
One day airlines became TANgled,
while sharks kept rescuers at bay.
They screamed as she STRUGgled below.
Cold death had come CALLing this day.
A shadow was FREEing BONnie.
Through sharks, it aROSE straight-up steep
The ending part has more inconsistencies:
BONnie(she?) held tight... WAter CHURNing,
the surface soon breached on her steed.
A grand TURtle scarred on its shell,
a great friend, Turtle Blue, indeed!
Sharks fled in hunger deFEAted.
Two friends true flew through the ocean.
These friends knew the CARing SEcret:
*Wounds bind- soothed with love's deVOtion.*
The content is excellent and the story about two caring friends is very touching. You need to seriously revise those lines to have fine fluidity. I think you should work stanza-wise. Will be happy to re-review, as you know.
Good luck!
Love n Light,
Death
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
   |
Re-review:
You've worked really well here, but few issues(already stated) are still here. Much better than the previous one.
Review(3 stars):
Hi, Mikey.
Very lovely story-poem! It's interesting and enjoyable. The opening stanza draws one in and subsequent developments are also engaging and well-thought out.
You could say, as turtles go, that
he took the normal, patient way.
A few months passed with no big whoop.
He pecked his egg 'till freed one day.
Here, TURtles has forced accent. Nice use of internal rhyme in the first two lines. Nice use of A assonance.
Metrical issues here. I'm highlighting them:
Swift through the air he flew, then crashed
LANDing hard, he tripped and STUMbled,
his tender shell was bruised and scratched,
new to life already HUMbled.
Example edit:
Swift through the air he flew, then crashed(.)
On landing hard, he tripped and fell,
his tender shell was bruised and scratched(--)
new to life and its changing spell.
Just optional. You'll have to think about other end rhyme.
Nice introduction of more characters. Children like it a lot:
Young Barry Blue so loved the sea,
those turtles scamp'ring fearful quick,
while seagulls swooped in swift pursuit.
(His sister Bonnie thought him sick.)
You used 'swift' in the previous stanza, so you may have 'brisk' to avoid redundancy.
Consider slight changes in these lines to make the scansion sharper:
Some reached the safe splash of the waves,
those few lived long there and they grew.
Some reached the lap of splashing waves
those few lived long and there they grew.
The iambic foot between 'splash of' sounds a bit forced when read aloud--the way children's poem are read.
I won't re-write every part, so just pointing them out. You will surely come up with something excellent.
She saw the drama unFOLding.
The poor FELla sure to be dead.
The turtle's eyes now open, surprise! >> 9 syllables
He thought, Yes! As BONnie yelled, "Yea!"
Was Blackbeard's lost TREAsure SPOTted?
What in the world could you have found?"
It is NAture's way, I'm SORry
Loved this part:
Oh, Poppa, it was life and death.
Attacked- was my good friend... right there!
That vicious gull dove for the kill.
I had to show my friend, I care!"
Excellent description of parent-child interaction through dialogues. Like the theme of friendship.
Fantastic use of phonetics here:
As months to years became, wounds healed.
His shell grew strong- her legs grew too.
They bore their scars with heads held high.
With what they had they just made do
Excellent use of D,R,S consonance, W,H alliteration.
Nice twist in the story:
her father now could see him grown(--) use a dash here
a yearning soul that must be free.
He sadly told her, "it's now time,
your friend belongs out at (the) sea." 7 syllables
She placed TURtle Blue on the sand.>> She placed Blue Turtle..
She slowly walked by the ocean.
His scarred BOdy strong now and healed,
His once scarred body now strongly healed
he followed in rhythmic MOtion.
She loved the mystery HIDden. (You can exchange places of 'mystery' and 'hidden' to get the meter right).
She wouldn't(1 syllable) be told what to be(.)
Make it 'would not'. As you've 'she' in the previous line, you can start this line with 'and' to have better flow.
One day airlines became TANgled,
while sharks kept rescuers at bay.
They screamed as she STRUGgled below.
Cold death had come CALLing this day.
A shadow was FREEing BONnie.
Through sharks, it aROSE straight-up steep
The ending part has more inconsistencies:
BONnie(she?) held tight... WAter CHURNing,
the surface soon breached on her steed.
A grand TURtle scarred on its shell,
a great friend, Turtle Blue, indeed!
Sharks fled in hunger deFEAted.
Two friends true flew through the ocean.
These friends knew the CARing SEcret:
*Wounds bind- soothed with love's deVOtion.*
The content is excellent and the story about two caring friends is very touching. You need to seriously revise those lines to have fine fluidity. I think you should work stanza-wise. Will be happy to re-review, as you know.
Good luck!
Love n Light,
Death
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
I am so pleased that you have taken all this time. I just became tongue tied with this thing and had to post it. After awhile I lose the ability to speak normally trying to figure out stressed and not stressed. It's laughable really! This helps so much. Once I see it properly done it snaps me back to English and I can make some progress. I rewrote everything that seemed off, including everything you pointed out and a few that you didn't. If you have the time to take a look, I'd really appreciate it. In any case, I was hoping someone would take pity on me! Hahaha. Thank you so much. mikey
-
Thanks for your gracious reply, Mikey. I know writing a storypoem isn't easy and you did a fine job. I re-read the piece and found that meter is still off at some places, which I've stated in the review. But it's much better now, so upgraded the review. We're all here to help each other out. Thanks again!
Comment from adewpearl
lovely illustrations
good use of abcb rhyming
vivid descriptive detail with strong appeal to senses not limited to the visual
good use of strong verbs that add life to the story
good alliteration in phrases like shrill shrieks
good assonance in shrieks and scenes
if gull's could speak - drop the apostrophe
you break with iambic meter often enough that I would drop that designation from your author notes so you don't get reviewers dinging you for not following the meter you named
a dramatic and moving story :-)
Brooke
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
|
lovely illustrations
good use of abcb rhyming
vivid descriptive detail with strong appeal to senses not limited to the visual
good use of strong verbs that add life to the story
good alliteration in phrases like shrill shrieks
good assonance in shrieks and scenes
if gull's could speak - drop the apostrophe
you break with iambic meter often enough that I would drop that designation from your author notes so you don't get reviewers dinging you for not following the meter you named
a dramatic and moving story :-)
Brooke
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
I'm thrilled with the great review. This is the first children's piece I've written. I came up with the contest to force myself to write something for kids. I'm so delighted you find it to your liking!! I got bogged down with the meter and started pronouncing things very strangely. Hahaha So, I thought I better post this and hope for some charity! Someone usually takes pity. Once I see a few corrections it gets me back on track. I did take iambic out as you suggested. Good idea. Thank you so much, mikey
-
I have students in my courses who start out by doing that - instead of making the lines fit the meter, they try to make the meter fit the lines - which is a recipe for disaster LOL
Comment from tfawcus
Mikey, the tale is just great. Your skill as a storyteller is undoubted. However, as you suspected, the de-dum, de-dum iambic measure falls flat on its face in places. I find I need to tap it out with a light tap and a heavy one as I read.
I haven't gone all the way through, but here are a few of the earlier lines where I think the rhythm fails, with suggestions to restore it.
landing hard, he tripped and stumbled,
(his landing hard, he tripped and fell)
new to life already humbled.
(so new to life, such shame to tell)
Her heart broke for the turtles' plight,
(Her heart bewailed the turtle?s plight)
how she thrilled for the lucky few.
(but thrilled for luck enjoyed by few)
Some reached the safe splash of the waves,
(Some reached the safely splashing waves)
those few lived long there and they grew.
(those few lived long and there they grew.)
On the plus side, the considerable majority of your lines have the rhythm perfectly!
I hope this helps!
Best wishes
Tony
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
|
Mikey, the tale is just great. Your skill as a storyteller is undoubted. However, as you suspected, the de-dum, de-dum iambic measure falls flat on its face in places. I find I need to tap it out with a light tap and a heavy one as I read.
I haven't gone all the way through, but here are a few of the earlier lines where I think the rhythm fails, with suggestions to restore it.
landing hard, he tripped and stumbled,
(his landing hard, he tripped and fell)
new to life already humbled.
(so new to life, such shame to tell)
Her heart broke for the turtles' plight,
(Her heart bewailed the turtle?s plight)
how she thrilled for the lucky few.
(but thrilled for luck enjoyed by few)
Some reached the safe splash of the waves,
(Some reached the safely splashing waves)
those few lived long there and they grew.
(those few lived long and there they grew.)
On the plus side, the considerable majority of your lines have the rhythm perfectly!
I hope this helps!
Best wishes
Tony
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
I am just delighted with your reception of this and the wonderful help. It is such an extra bonus to see the two lines side by side. I work on it for a long time, but after awhile I am speaking in a very strange way! Then I know it is time to post and hope for rescue!! I made many of these changes and that put me on a roll. I've edited the whole piece now and I think it is almost there. Thank you so much!! mikey
Comment from nordicgirl
Wow!you can write anything. This is a wonderful and heartwarming story for all ages. Very family movie that the adults will enjoy too. Touching but never trite. Nothing maudlin. Uplifting in the very best way. A strong entry. NG
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
 |
Wow!you can write anything. This is a wonderful and heartwarming story for all ages. Very family movie that the adults will enjoy too. Touching but never trite. Nothing maudlin. Uplifting in the very best way. A strong entry. NG
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
So delighted you enjoyed this. An enjoyable write for me. I'm as surprised as you!!
Comment from 1954speed
Enjoyable! You should submit this tale for a children's book, if you haven't already. I have read published children's books that are now as meaningful as this. It could well be an encouragement to those suffering from disability. Consider it at least. It tells a tale of struggle and triumph with a great ending. Later, jim
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
|
Enjoyable! You should submit this tale for a children's book, if you haven't already. I have read published children's books that are now as meaningful as this. It could well be an encouragement to those suffering from disability. Consider it at least. It tells a tale of struggle and triumph with a great ending. Later, jim
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
So delighted you liked this. My first children's story. It was fun to write. Way out of my normal wheelhouse. I don't know anything about publishing and all that. I just joined Writer's Digest. It looks like a place to start learning. Encouraging to hear you think it's worthy. I really appreciate it. Thanks very much. mikey
Comment from Sankey
Lovely work as usuak mate. Not sure if you are allowed to know who is reviewing have a guess anyway. Going mad on the pics I see. If only I could get it right for em..hehe rhyme.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
|
Lovely work as usuak mate. Not sure if you are allowed to know who is reviewing have a guess anyway. Going mad on the pics I see. If only I could get it right for em..hehe rhyme.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
Yes. The pics are a little phase I guess. Hahaha. I'll get over it after a while I expect. They are fun though. This was really different for me. Fun to write. mikey
Comment from nor84
I suggest getting rid of most of the semicolons. Some of these should be standalone sentences not hooked to the previous lines. For example: that vicious gold though for the kill. I had to show my friend I care.
There are a few more like that, and children like simple sentences, so using them for a children's poem makes sense.
That said, it's a great story I just clean up the punctuation. Colons are for lists, and semicolons joined to closely related sentences but are very easy to overuse. In fact it's the only unnecessary bit of punctuation according to writer Noah Lukeman.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
|
I suggest getting rid of most of the semicolons. Some of these should be standalone sentences not hooked to the previous lines. For example: that vicious gold though for the kill. I had to show my friend I care.
There are a few more like that, and children like simple sentences, so using them for a children's poem makes sense.
That said, it's a great story I just clean up the punctuation. Colons are for lists, and semicolons joined to closely related sentences but are very easy to overuse. In fact it's the only unnecessary bit of punctuation according to writer Noah Lukeman.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
-
I'm sure glad you pointed that out. I went crazy with those! I really didn't even punctuate the piece at all. I got bogged down with that crazy iambic tetrameter meter. daDum daDum errgggh. It comes to some people so easily. The rest of us it's like a foreign language. I went in and punctuated the whole thing and it makes such a huge difference in how it reads. MUCH better. Maybe one surviving semicolon! I came up with the contest to force myself to write something I've never done before. So pleased you liked it. It was lots of fun! Take that Brooke. Hahaha. mikey
-
Glad I could help.
