Jack and Jill
Nursery rhyme with an adult twist58 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
All I can say is don't mess with jack, he is one tough
dude- or was it the chemicals? Not a bad 21st century
version of life in the burbs. I might just punctuate.
couldn't hurt.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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All I can say is don't mess with jack, he is one tough
dude- or was it the chemicals? Not a bad 21st century
version of life in the burbs. I might just punctuate.
couldn't hurt.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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I'll re-read and see how it sounds. Thanks, Red.
Comment from Acquired Taste
Not something to read to the kids before bed - or even before lunch. Creative idea to redo this children's classic rhyme. I read it both silently and aloud. Much better aloud, but still occasionally awkward due to length. Nice take on this. AT=/
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Not something to read to the kids before bed - or even before lunch. Creative idea to redo this children's classic rhyme. I read it both silently and aloud. Much better aloud, but still occasionally awkward due to length. Nice take on this. AT=/
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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thank you so much At.
Comment from livelylinda
amahra: you are right about some lines being long. I think all but one stanza reads with good rhythm. The sixth stanza last line I thought would read much better:
instead the guy pulled a pistol - eliminating "but" and "out". Just a suggestion; hope it helps.
This is creative but seemed like such a downer! "Life sucks, what's the point, lets smoke a joint. . .but, then, it is a side of life some always live and some of us only for a short time. Good writing. livelylinda
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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amahra: you are right about some lines being long. I think all but one stanza reads with good rhythm. The sixth stanza last line I thought would read much better:
instead the guy pulled a pistol - eliminating "but" and "out". Just a suggestion; hope it helps.
This is creative but seemed like such a downer! "Life sucks, what's the point, lets smoke a joint. . .but, then, it is a side of life some always live and some of us only for a short time. Good writing. livelylinda
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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thank you Livelylinda. I'll revisit the poem and see about your suggestions.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Yup, it is best read out loud.Then it reads like a rolling verse. A story in a poem, old Jack and Jill. It takes the reader on a night of better choices.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Hi. Yup, it is best read out loud.Then it reads like a rolling verse. A story in a poem, old Jack and Jill. It takes the reader on a night of better choices.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thank you to much for reviewing.
Comment from royowen
My but you've put a twist on this nursery rhyme Amahra. A big adjustment to the original children's rhyme, they've grown up a lot, now they're on pot, speed, crack and sundry other things, I loved the inventiveness of you write, nice rhyming, with the third coinciding with the next! I loved it! Blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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My but you've put a twist on this nursery rhyme Amahra. A big adjustment to the original children's rhyme, they've grown up a lot, now they're on pot, speed, crack and sundry other things, I loved the inventiveness of you write, nice rhyming, with the third coinciding with the next! I loved it! Blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Wow Roy, I'm speechless. Thank you so much.
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You've earned it, enjoy, Roy.
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Wow, Jack and Jill of modern times have a different story to tell. You did a great job with this one. It gave a full perspective of an addict trying to rob another addict. What a nonchalant reception of a terrible evening... and took turns on their very last joint.
well done, Carolyn
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Wow, Jack and Jill of modern times have a different story to tell. You did a great job with this one. It gave a full perspective of an addict trying to rob another addict. What a nonchalant reception of a terrible evening... and took turns on their very last joint.
well done, Carolyn
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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LOL Thank you so much Carolyn. I love this review.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi Amahra,
Sad to say, but it would appear our society is such as this story portrays.
You penned it very well. Good job.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Hi Amahra,
Sad to say, but it would appear our society is such as this story portrays.
You penned it very well. Good job.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much. Blessings right back.
Comment from GeraldS
Interesting piece, ending with both Jack and Jill puffing the magic dragon. This poem reads easily and has a nice rhythm. It is well-written and fun to read. Humor poetry might be a better category for it. The meaning is pretty clear.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Interesting piece, ending with both Jack and Jill puffing the magic dragon. This poem reads easily and has a nice rhythm. It is well-written and fun to read. Humor poetry might be a better category for it. The meaning is pretty clear.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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You're right, General is the default. I forgot to click humor. Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from lindalcreel
They are working feverishly to pass a law for recreational marijuana in Florida. But, it has some specific do's and don'ts. Can't be around schools, churches, and you can't grow it yourself. You need to purchase from someone with a license. I have a feeling quite a few young entrepreneurs will be rolling in the dough if the law passes. I'm not for or against it, but hubby, being a retired cop won't be near anyone who smokes it. I have tried to explain the uses of medical marijuana for people who have cancer and suffer. It's the others I'm worried about. How are they going to support their habit; crime will certainly go up.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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They are working feverishly to pass a law for recreational marijuana in Florida. But, it has some specific do's and don'ts. Can't be around schools, churches, and you can't grow it yourself. You need to purchase from someone with a license. I have a feeling quite a few young entrepreneurs will be rolling in the dough if the law passes. I'm not for or against it, but hubby, being a retired cop won't be near anyone who smokes it. I have tried to explain the uses of medical marijuana for people who have cancer and suffer. It's the others I'm worried about. How are they going to support their habit; crime will certainly go up.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you first of all for stopping by and reading and reviewing. I'm going to tell you a little secret; making something legal doesn't put a dent in people who are selling illegally. I remember when number playing was outlawed, and the state thought if they brought in legal gambling (lottery) the illegal numbers racket would dry up. I know for a fact (LOL and I won't tell you how I know) that when legal gambling came, bookies promised (and kept that promise) to pay you more money if you played the numbers with them. It never went away. Trust me, when marijuana becomes legal, crooks with lace it with something and charge you less for a greater high. Illegal drug sells and use will not go away. Undercover criminals are too smart of a business man or woman, to just let that money go. Remember you heard it here first on Fanstory. LOL!
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I have to agree with you. They aren't going to just turn their backs on all that money. I was so surprised to hear about elderly people who were selling drugs because the money was so good, and it helped them be able to keep their homes and buy food and medications. What's this world coming to?
Comment from Sonaleeka
Very well written and amazingly captured.I enjoyed a lot while reading it .Glad got a chance to read your stuff.
God bless!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Very well written and amazingly captured.I enjoyed a lot while reading it .Glad got a chance to read your stuff.
God bless!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you Sonaleeka.
