Greenwood
Viewing comments for Prologue "Greenwood"This is a story of rejection and reclamation.
26 total reviews
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~!
Wow! That wasn't the thing I was expecting the lawyer to say. I'm gonna follow this amazing book.
Good JOb!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)-<~~KAUSAR~~>-(^_^)
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Hello there~!
Wow! That wasn't the thing I was expecting the lawyer to say. I'm gonna follow this amazing book.
Good JOb!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)-<~~KAUSAR~~>-(^_^)
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
Comment from lludlow
I was going to say that this was all too fast, then I saw that you were limited to 500 words. Tough job. But good enough, that I'm interested and have questions.
You might want to let the reader know that Shooter is her pet, in the beginning.
Looking forward to more.
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I was going to say that this was all too fast, then I saw that you were limited to 500 words. Tough job. But good enough, that I'm interested and have questions.
You might want to let the reader know that Shooter is her pet, in the beginning.
Looking forward to more.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
Comment from colorfree
It does capture my interest. I am curious to see where this is going. I have many suggestions for you. I don't want to discourage you in any way, I only want to help. Some may be a matter of my style vs yours anyway. Thanks for sharing!
I'm assuming "Shooter" is her dog? You should let your readers know that right away.
I would suggest changing "...her tears finally sought relief..." to "...she finally felt relieved as her tears fell freely."
I love the line "...kissing a corner of Montmorency Falls."
I would suggest changing the line "She had to tell her mother..." to "After a lifetime of caring, she now had to kiss her mother goodbye."
The words of "near poverty" do not need a hyphen.
I would suggest removing the word "so" and "and anxious" in the line "The lawyer seemed nervous."
Nervous and anxious mean the same thing.
Who is drinking the coffee? You have Donna and the lawyer in that paragraph so it's hard to tell.
I'm wondering how the fact that she's adopted makes her wonder who left the will?
Every time you have a new person speak, you should have a new paragraph.
You need to change "was" to "were" in the line "The rest of the details were lost to her."
You say "She drove straight to Greenwood" but you never said she'd left it in the first place.
You sort of say it in the 2nd paragraph but you would need to make some sort of break from the first paragraph to make it more clear.
I would suggest changing "tiny" to perhaps "thin" in the line "...pulling her into her thin arms." "Tiny arms" makes me think of, well, abnormally small arms for a woman.
I would add "of" in the line "...to her myriad of questions."
I love the line "...stare into the recesses of her over-loaded brain."
I'm left wondering why the lawyer said nothing at the reading of the will. Why did she said until Donna went to her new home then come over to tell her she's her mother. Also, she goes from being nervous at the reading to smiley when she's about to drop a bomb?
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It does capture my interest. I am curious to see where this is going. I have many suggestions for you. I don't want to discourage you in any way, I only want to help. Some may be a matter of my style vs yours anyway. Thanks for sharing!
I'm assuming "Shooter" is her dog? You should let your readers know that right away.
I would suggest changing "...her tears finally sought relief..." to "...she finally felt relieved as her tears fell freely."
I love the line "...kissing a corner of Montmorency Falls."
I would suggest changing the line "She had to tell her mother..." to "After a lifetime of caring, she now had to kiss her mother goodbye."
The words of "near poverty" do not need a hyphen.
I would suggest removing the word "so" and "and anxious" in the line "The lawyer seemed nervous."
Nervous and anxious mean the same thing.
Who is drinking the coffee? You have Donna and the lawyer in that paragraph so it's hard to tell.
I'm wondering how the fact that she's adopted makes her wonder who left the will?
Every time you have a new person speak, you should have a new paragraph.
You need to change "was" to "were" in the line "The rest of the details were lost to her."
You say "She drove straight to Greenwood" but you never said she'd left it in the first place.
You sort of say it in the 2nd paragraph but you would need to make some sort of break from the first paragraph to make it more clear.
I would suggest changing "tiny" to perhaps "thin" in the line "...pulling her into her thin arms." "Tiny arms" makes me think of, well, abnormally small arms for a woman.
I would add "of" in the line "...to her myriad of questions."
I love the line "...stare into the recesses of her over-loaded brain."
I'm left wondering why the lawyer said nothing at the reading of the will. Why did she said until Donna went to her new home then come over to tell her she's her mother. Also, she goes from being nervous at the reading to smiley when she's about to drop a bomb?
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for reading the prologue to Greenwood. I appreciate the kind words.
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You're welcome, Lonna. Charlie
Comment from abbasjoy
The ending begs more questions than I thought would be possible, in this short post. Donna got her answer, the moment she posed the question in her mind, but her answer was more confusing to Donna, I would think.
The first question to this lawyer who claims to be Donna's birth mother, would be why? Why did she give up her child for adoption.
You have managed to create suspense which leaves the reader wanting to hear more.
Good job.
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The ending begs more questions than I thought would be possible, in this short post. Donna got her answer, the moment she posed the question in her mind, but her answer was more confusing to Donna, I would think.
The first question to this lawyer who claims to be Donna's birth mother, would be why? Why did she give up her child for adoption.
You have managed to create suspense which leaves the reader wanting to hear more.
Good job.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2014
Comment from Mark Valentine
I know I've said this many times before, but your writing seems professional. From the first sentence "They arrived at Greenwood early in the day" - simple yet elegant and with a rhythm. to adjectives like "burled" (I think good writing should make you go to the dictionary every once in a while (but not too often0 to describingtowns that share only a small border as "kissing a corner", this is just masterful. (though I'm thinking you meant to say "the rest of the details WERE lost to her")
The fact that you worked in real characters and a real plot in 500 words is gravy. You're good.
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I know I've said this many times before, but your writing seems professional. From the first sentence "They arrived at Greenwood early in the day" - simple yet elegant and with a rhythm. to adjectives like "burled" (I think good writing should make you go to the dictionary every once in a while (but not too often0 to describingtowns that share only a small border as "kissing a corner", this is just masterful. (though I'm thinking you meant to say "the rest of the details WERE lost to her")
The fact that you worked in real characters and a real plot in 500 words is gravy. You're good.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2014
Comment from Twilightspire
I can imagine it would be hard to get a story like this into 500 words, but you managed it skillfully.
You left in just enough detail and emotion to really suck us into the piece.
Donna, as a character, had many dimensions, but was understandably shocked and wowed through much of the piece.
My only advice would be to take out Shooter. It's unclear exactly who or what he is. I assume a dog, but I could be wrong. That kind of detail takes us out of the story.
Good luck in the contest and great story.
There were a few places where you needed to double space after punctuation. My reviewing notes are being a pain right now and for some reason copy and paste is being difficult, but I believe it was at the beginning and middle part of the story, after periods.
-T.J.
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I can imagine it would be hard to get a story like this into 500 words, but you managed it skillfully.
You left in just enough detail and emotion to really suck us into the piece.
Donna, as a character, had many dimensions, but was understandably shocked and wowed through much of the piece.
My only advice would be to take out Shooter. It's unclear exactly who or what he is. I assume a dog, but I could be wrong. That kind of detail takes us out of the story.
Good luck in the contest and great story.
There were a few places where you needed to double space after punctuation. My reviewing notes are being a pain right now and for some reason copy and paste is being difficult, but I believe it was at the beginning and middle part of the story, after periods.
-T.J.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
Comment from dennis0530
A very surprising ending. The adopted Donna and her lawyer-mother.
This is a pleasantly curled and mildly(?) shocking end. A good disguise carried until the very end. Was it a test for the heiress or a preview of a suddenly-rich estate owner?
I think it was a cleverly hatched plan to observe a deserving new owner.
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A very surprising ending. The adopted Donna and her lawyer-mother.
This is a pleasantly curled and mildly(?) shocking end. A good disguise carried until the very end. Was it a test for the heiress or a preview of a suddenly-rich estate owner?
I think it was a cleverly hatched plan to observe a deserving new owner.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the story. Donna inherited a lot of money and a fancy house. She also learned it was inherited from her biological mother. I am sure Donna had a lot of questions. Why would her biological mother allow her to live in poverty? Why did everyone keep her adoption a secret? I hope the money and the house helps her get over the deceptions. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
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I love the picture. I love the story. Donna inherited a lot of money and a fancy house. She also learned it was inherited from her biological mother. I am sure Donna had a lot of questions. Why would her biological mother allow her to live in poverty? Why did everyone keep her adoption a secret? I hope the money and the house helps her get over the deceptions. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story where a young woman had her whole world changed in a matter of hours, when she inherited an estate and met her mother. I wish you the best of luck in the contest
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this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story where a young woman had her whole world changed in a matter of hours, when she inherited an estate and met her mother. I wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
