Pistol Pete, Mom and Me
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Eggplant Parmesan"Jack has a problem. His mom is his coach.
12 total reviews
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Oh geez, the embarrassing MOM thing. You write the perspective of a young boy very well. I cringe at this, I can feel the embarrassment and the poor kids anger.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Hi. Oh geez, the embarrassing MOM thing. You write the perspective of a young boy very well. I cringe at this, I can feel the embarrassment and the poor kids anger.
padumachitta
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thanks for the great review. I appreciate the comments. Gretchen
Comment from adewpearl
excellent dialogue as Mom tries to be supportive to those players not yet at the top of their game and as the more accomplished and arrogant players make snide remarks about what a lousy coach she is
straight back to my mom, so I unleash - add comma
great conversation with the baby sitter in which the narrator is being resistant to any and all wisdom she is imparting
Brooke
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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excellent dialogue as Mom tries to be supportive to those players not yet at the top of their game and as the more accomplished and arrogant players make snide remarks about what a lousy coach she is
straight back to my mom, so I unleash - add comma
great conversation with the baby sitter in which the narrator is being resistant to any and all wisdom she is imparting
Brooke
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Most twelve year olds are pretty resistant to good advice, but seem to soak up the bad stuff. LOL> Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Gretchen.
Your chapter is well-written with easy to read dialogue and great story. Reluctant readers will enjoy the story and feel Jack's awkwardness with his mom as the coach. You showed the play well in the gym, how Aaron took the ball to demonstrate the play. What I liked is how Jack's mother wanted to give Billy a chance to try, offering a fairness in play that otherwise would never happen.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Hi, Gretchen.
Your chapter is well-written with easy to read dialogue and great story. Reluctant readers will enjoy the story and feel Jack's awkwardness with his mom as the coach. You showed the play well in the gym, how Aaron took the ball to demonstrate the play. What I liked is how Jack's mother wanted to give Billy a chance to try, offering a fairness in play that otherwise would never happen.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you, Rosalyne. I appreciate the comments and the review. Gretchen
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh so true. Jack doesn't understand that's what good mother's do, and he may never understand it, until he's a parent. I enjoyed reading your post.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Oh so true. Jack doesn't understand that's what good mother's do, and he may never understand it, until he's a parent. I enjoyed reading your post.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the insightful comments. Gretchen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
He's too young to see what his mom is really doing.
Billy needs to feel important and Aaron needs a reality check. Aaron thinks the game is all about him and Billy thinks he can't do it because Aaron says he can't.Now Billy will feel a little bit of confidence when coach asks him to try something. Good job Gretchen. Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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He's too young to see what his mom is really doing.
Billy needs to feel important and Aaron needs a reality check. Aaron thinks the game is all about him and Billy thinks he can't do it because Aaron says he can't.Now Billy will feel a little bit of confidence when coach asks him to try something. Good job Gretchen. Nancy
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from A Matter Of Words
This is proving to be an very interesting story. You do an excellent job of describing the ineptness of the mother as she sorts through the ins and out of basketball. Her character is perfect - mother come newbie coach. The high emotions of the kids is also well done. Poor Jack, he is not doing so well with this.
I have read this chapter as a reader and not a writer. From that perspective it flowed, had great dialogue, humour and well placed emotion. A great story.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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This is proving to be an very interesting story. You do an excellent job of describing the ineptness of the mother as she sorts through the ins and out of basketball. Her character is perfect - mother come newbie coach. The high emotions of the kids is also well done. Poor Jack, he is not doing so well with this.
I have read this chapter as a reader and not a writer. From that perspective it flowed, had great dialogue, humour and well placed emotion. A great story.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the wonderful comments. Gretchen
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You're very welcome, Gretchen. It is an enjoyable story.
Comment from Jay Squires
Another good chapter, Gretchen. No SPAG I could detect.
Mom is trying her hardest and Jack couldn't be more embarrassed.
We're introduced to a new character, Mrs. Jenkins who will be the go-to for knowledge about Jack's father.
Like your easy-going writing style, you aren't in any hurry to move the plot forward until enough characters are introduced.
I like where this is going.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Another good chapter, Gretchen. No SPAG I could detect.
Mom is trying her hardest and Jack couldn't be more embarrassed.
We're introduced to a new character, Mrs. Jenkins who will be the go-to for knowledge about Jack's father.
Like your easy-going writing style, you aren't in any hurry to move the plot forward until enough characters are introduced.
I like where this is going.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thanks, Jay. I appreciate the comments and the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Misrael
Poor Jack and I feel sorry for his mom as well because he and his mom are going to be made fun of even more. But I am hoping for a good ending. I enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Poor Jack and I feel sorry for his mom as well because he and his mom are going to be made fun of even more. But I am hoping for a good ending. I enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Nice introduction of Mr. Jenkins. I sense she'll be the surrogate mom, the go-to person to help Jack sort out his issues. A great choice for this utility player and I can't wait for the time when Jack winds up his courage to tell her that Aubergine is not his favourite vegetable.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2014
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Nice introduction of Mr. Jenkins. I sense she'll be the surrogate mom, the go-to person to help Jack sort out his issues. A great choice for this utility player and I can't wait for the time when Jack winds up his courage to tell her that Aubergine is not his favourite vegetable.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the insightful information. Gretchen
Comment from Sayrah
Too much simple sentences and over usage of present tense. It cuts the flow of the story. A little variation of sentences would not scare a reluctant middle school reader.
It is a story you are writing, I believe, perhaps you could try writing in past tense.
Nevertheless, a good story, smooth episodes transition and relatively good description.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2014
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Too much simple sentences and over usage of present tense. It cuts the flow of the story. A little variation of sentences would not scare a reluctant middle school reader.
It is a story you are writing, I believe, perhaps you could try writing in past tense.
Nevertheless, a good story, smooth episodes transition and relatively good description.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
