Texas Dream Catcher
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "CHAPTER TRES, PART UNO"Drug & human trafficking, can romance win?
58 total reviews
Comment from Drew Delaney
Good writing, Barbara. The one thing that stuck me was the word, silence toward the end. I thought maybe another word could be use or another phrase, such as: After some time or something like that just so the word wouldn't be used so near to each other. Just a thought! It's your story and it seems to be a good one at that. Best wishes with it!
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Good writing, Barbara. The one thing that stuck me was the word, silence toward the end. I thought maybe another word could be use or another phrase, such as: After some time or something like that just so the word wouldn't be used so near to each other. Just a thought! It's your story and it seems to be a good one at that. Best wishes with it!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review. I will check that area.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very nice chapter and interesting story.
A bit confusing... She watched Jim through the curtain, talking on his cell phone. Then, he went outside. How did she see him through the curtain? Then she heard his bedroom door close. By then, he was already outside. It all seemed in reverse.
You wouldn't need the break in action if you had her go back to bed, not be able to sleep and ponder who he was talking to. (Just a suggestion as I personally hate unnecessary breaks.)
"Tatiana set her napkin on the table." Start this paragraph with this sentence so we don't have to get to the end before we learn which of the two is speaking.
Soni slipped her riding gloves onto her hands.
Soni slipped on her riding gloves. (We know where they go!)
Same suggestion as above to maintain the flow of the chapter; eliminate the break with a transition sentence to afternoon. "Soni drank in the countryside, alone in the solitude if her thoughts, as the sun passed the zenith." or such.
I think the final break could be just plain eliminated.
There are a lot of "Knows" in the last few paragraphs. A couple could be changed so they don't jump out.
Sorry to sound so picky but you asked for opinions so I'm offering them.
You're a good writer and very fine story teller. I enjoyed your posting. Thank you.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Very nice chapter and interesting story.
A bit confusing... She watched Jim through the curtain, talking on his cell phone. Then, he went outside. How did she see him through the curtain? Then she heard his bedroom door close. By then, he was already outside. It all seemed in reverse.
You wouldn't need the break in action if you had her go back to bed, not be able to sleep and ponder who he was talking to. (Just a suggestion as I personally hate unnecessary breaks.)
"Tatiana set her napkin on the table." Start this paragraph with this sentence so we don't have to get to the end before we learn which of the two is speaking.
Soni slipped her riding gloves onto her hands.
Soni slipped on her riding gloves. (We know where they go!)
Same suggestion as above to maintain the flow of the chapter; eliminate the break with a transition sentence to afternoon. "Soni drank in the countryside, alone in the solitude if her thoughts, as the sun passed the zenith." or such.
I think the final break could be just plain eliminated.
There are a lot of "Knows" in the last few paragraphs. A couple could be changed so they don't jump out.
Sorry to sound so picky but you asked for opinions so I'm offering them.
You're a good writer and very fine story teller. I enjoyed your posting. Thank you.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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He walked inside. "What he's doing now?" When she heard his bedroom door close, she got out of bed and went into the living room. Both dogs followed. (Jim was outside, then came I inside)
I changed most things you suggestion. A couple I did not. I must have deleted or changed 3 or 4 knows. Thank you for dropping by and leaving this helpful review.
Comment from lancellot
This is a very well written chapter. It is nice to see things done the right way.
note:
Soni {watched} Alex saunter out the front door. "I guess I deserved that little lecture, didn't I?" She stared at her plate.
- small thing here
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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This is a very well written chapter. It is nice to see things done the right way.
note:
Soni {watched} Alex saunter out the front door. "I guess I deserved that little lecture, didn't I?" She stared at her plate.
- small thing here
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the catch. I can't believed I missed something so obvious, but I did.
Comment from judiverse
Wow! I was waiting to read this and certainly wasn't disappointed. I love your characterization of Soni. You show her as having so much on her mind with the death of her father, the responsibilities of the ranch, and then the worry about whether Jim could potentially cause trouble. Alex and others on the ranch seem very protective of her, even she shows she can take care of herself. Excellent scene in the cemetery where Soni voices her feelings about what's going on in her life and how she should handle things. Wonderful! judi
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Wow! I was waiting to read this and certainly wasn't disappointed. I love your characterization of Soni. You show her as having so much on her mind with the death of her father, the responsibilities of the ranch, and then the worry about whether Jim could potentially cause trouble. Alex and others on the ranch seem very protective of her, even she shows she can take care of herself. Excellent scene in the cemetery where Soni voices her feelings about what's going on in her life and how she should handle things. Wonderful! judi
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
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You're very welcome, Barbara. Everything seems to be coming together in this. I can see the tension mounting between her and Jim. Sounds to me like he'll be on the side of good. judi
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
She knows what she must do? Well... what is it? Tell me! I can't wait till next week. Grrr... I think she should just ask Jim to move along. Of course, she won't. She'll probably marry the guy. LOL! :)
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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She knows what she must do? Well... what is it? Tell me! I can't wait till next week. Grrr... I think she should just ask Jim to move along. Of course, she won't. She'll probably marry the guy. LOL! :)
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from bhogg
Barbara - very professional! I enjoyed your narrative this time. You very much had me in all the scenes. Of course your characters are always great and dialog spot on. Warm regards, Bill
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Barbara - very professional! I enjoyed your narrative this time. You very much had me in all the scenes. Of course your characters are always great and dialog spot on. Warm regards, Bill
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
It is unusual for the management to do the mundane chores. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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It is unusual for the management to do the mundane chores. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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At this ranch everybody does the same chores. Whoever is closest when it needs to be done. Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from adewpearl
You depict Soni's concerns and self doubts effectively as she deals with running this huge ranch, knowing the buck stops with her
Good suspense raised about Jim
a moving conversation with her dad at the cemetery as she seeks his counsel about how to deal with Jim, a big unknown
You're answers are found - Your
He was raised of German decent - descent
Brooke :-)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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You depict Soni's concerns and self doubts effectively as she deals with running this huge ranch, knowing the buck stops with her
Good suspense raised about Jim
a moving conversation with her dad at the cemetery as she seeks his counsel about how to deal with Jim, a big unknown
You're answers are found - Your
He was raised of German decent - descent
Brooke :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Dang I went over this extra times, trying not to make stupid mistakes that an elementary child would make and still made them. PHOOYEEEEEEEEE Thank you for having my back. I appreciate it.
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If nobody ever makes mistakes, then I have no purpose in life. LOL
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I'm glad I keep you busy. LOL
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You don't keep me half as busy as some - I have some prose writers whom I review whose struggles with punctuation are legendary :-)
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Oh my! I hope I'm not that bad.
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nope, compared to some you score at genius level in the SPAG department :-)
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LOL, my problem is they are such simple stupid mistakes that I know better than. I still get stumped with commas. I know the everyday rules, but the other ones still throw me.
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but stupid mistakes are by far the most common ones - if something is complex, the writer will research it and think it out - it's the easy stuff we just zip off because we don't think anything could possibly go wrong with that line/word.
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very true and when I edit, I read the words that I think are there and not the ones that are really there. My typing doesn't read my mind. DARN!!!!
