Bel Air: A Bard's Guide
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Who Shot Who, Where's the Money?"Sequel to The Bard of Bel Air.
12 total reviews
Comment from nordicgirl
Excellent action scene. Beautiful flow throughout. Each element happened in a way that I believed possible. Angela was brave but had enough fear to justify a crazy move like that. Barry's reaction was in character and the events that followed were funny but made sense. Love the pictures too.
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Excellent action scene. Beautiful flow throughout. Each element happened in a way that I believed possible. Angela was brave but had enough fear to justify a crazy move like that. Barry's reaction was in character and the events that followed were funny but made sense. Love the pictures too.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2014
Comment from Nosha17
You're right, the pictures are a great addition. Story speeding along and glad to know that horror didn't survive. Hope Barry doesn't get far with the money. Enjoyable read. Faye
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You're right, the pictures are a great addition. Story speeding along and glad to know that horror didn't survive. Hope Barry doesn't get far with the money. Enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 25-Jul-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
I love the picture thing, too. I also like how you've broken up this tale into different points of view, and are telling the story from different perspectives. I have to admit, though I do believe this deserves a 5, it feels wrong to give it the same score as the free-verse poem I just read. I will repeat what I said about this story before: for me, the Bard is the interesting character, and all the rest of it, while exciting and probably would make good TV, really takes away from the one I want to read about, which is the Bard.
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I love the picture thing, too. I also like how you've broken up this tale into different points of view, and are telling the story from different perspectives. I have to admit, though I do believe this deserves a 5, it feels wrong to give it the same score as the free-verse poem I just read. I will repeat what I said about this story before: for me, the Bard is the interesting character, and all the rest of it, while exciting and probably would make good TV, really takes away from the one I want to read about, which is the Bard.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2014
Comment from adewpearl
the young girls' ears - add apostrophe for plural possessive
If your lucky - you're
Damn it, son, answer the phone - add first comma for direct address
excellent dialogue throughout that sounds realistic and conveys emotion well
Brooke
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the young girls' ears - add apostrophe for plural possessive
If your lucky - you're
Damn it, son, answer the phone - add first comma for direct address
excellent dialogue throughout that sounds realistic and conveys emotion well
Brooke
Comment Written 25-Jul-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
I'M A SUCKER FOR THE PICTURES. I LOVE THEM--THINK IT ADDS TO THE PROSE, GIVING A MENTAL IMAGE AND DEEPER PERCEPTION. GOOD AS ALWAYS, I DO AN AWKWARD PAUSE... AS I AM MESMERIZED BY THE VISUAL IMAGES AND MENTALLY TRY TO CONNECT THE PROSE WITH THE IMAGE PROVIDED. A DANDY OF A CHAPTER! WAIT A MINUTE--A HELLUVA CHAPTER, AS sIR MIKEY WOULD PUT IT. A LOT OF HOT ACTION IN THIS BEAUTY! I LOVE LIVE ACTION!!!!!!!!!!SORRY, TO DEPRIVE YOU OF A SIXWER, I'M TAPPED OUT. GREAT LOOKING PRESENTATION AND YOUR PROSE IS SUPERIOR. YOU WILL MAKE AN AUTHOR YET! DO LOCO COUNT YOUR DOUBLOON.
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I'M A SUCKER FOR THE PICTURES. I LOVE THEM--THINK IT ADDS TO THE PROSE, GIVING A MENTAL IMAGE AND DEEPER PERCEPTION. GOOD AS ALWAYS, I DO AN AWKWARD PAUSE... AS I AM MESMERIZED BY THE VISUAL IMAGES AND MENTALLY TRY TO CONNECT THE PROSE WITH THE IMAGE PROVIDED. A DANDY OF A CHAPTER! WAIT A MINUTE--A HELLUVA CHAPTER, AS sIR MIKEY WOULD PUT IT. A LOT OF HOT ACTION IN THIS BEAUTY! I LOVE LIVE ACTION!!!!!!!!!!SORRY, TO DEPRIVE YOU OF A SIXWER, I'M TAPPED OUT. GREAT LOOKING PRESENTATION AND YOUR PROSE IS SUPERIOR. YOU WILL MAKE AN AUTHOR YET! DO LOCO COUNT YOUR DOUBLOON.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2014
Comment from CR Delport
Well, you've got to say that for Barry. He's sure uses his opportunity well. Now he has the money to make a run for it. Else sure got what she deserved. Glad Angela and the other two kids are save. Another well crafted chapter with no obvious errors.
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Well, you've got to say that for Barry. He's sure uses his opportunity well. Now he has the money to make a run for it. Else sure got what she deserved. Glad Angela and the other two kids are save. Another well crafted chapter with no obvious errors.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2014
Comment from Sankey
yeah I am glad you solved my prob as to why I could not put extra pickies of my own on FS. You are having a ball what! Two of them? Ha not me! I presume this is not finished yet? Is the fart lady gonna sing? HEHE!!Only ONE SPAG mate!
The(y) have Angela! She's safe.
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yeah I am glad you solved my prob as to why I could not put extra pickies of my own on FS. You are having a ball what! Two of them? Ha not me! I presume this is not finished yet? Is the fart lady gonna sing? HEHE!!Only ONE SPAG mate!
The(y) have Angela! She's safe.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2014
Comment from country ranch writer
MONEY IT IS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY NO ONE CARE FOR ANYTHING BUT THE MONEY HE JUST GAVE AWAY ALL THE MONEY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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MONEY IT IS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY NO ONE CARE FOR ANYTHING BUT THE MONEY HE JUST GAVE AWAY ALL THE MONEY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Comment Written 24-Jul-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I love that Angela was the one to save them.
Why would he NOT answer his phone??? Makes no sense. He'd jump on the phone, in case it was news from cops OR Barry. Doesn't work for me... sorry.
You have a leftover sentence that you meant to remove... at the end of this part:
~~~~~~~~Elsa's car with Barry in it
Oh my. That was just toooo easy. After all the hassle and drama. Twenty-two million? No problem. Here ya go sir. Have a nice day. Your daughter? Who knows? Somebody shot somebody... not a violent man... nope... a business man... I deal in cash.
Previously, Barry arrived at the farm with Samson and was reunited with Elsa. The Bard, Lucy and Tenaya arrived a little later and planned
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2014
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I love that Angela was the one to save them.
Why would he NOT answer his phone??? Makes no sense. He'd jump on the phone, in case it was news from cops OR Barry. Doesn't work for me... sorry.
You have a leftover sentence that you meant to remove... at the end of this part:
~~~~~~~~Elsa's car with Barry in it
Oh my. That was just toooo easy. After all the hassle and drama. Twenty-two million? No problem. Here ya go sir. Have a nice day. Your daughter? Who knows? Somebody shot somebody... not a violent man... nope... a business man... I deal in cash.
Previously, Barry arrived at the farm with Samson and was reunited with Elsa. The Bard, Lucy and Tenaya arrived a little later and planned
Comment Written 24-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2014
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I wondered where that sentence went! It started to be the intro and then disappeared. He doesn't want to answer the phone because he's afraid it is monitered and his Dad will say the wrong thing. He's paranoid and stupid. He's so close to getting her freed and he's afraid of messing it up. No? How could I not see that entire sentence? I looked for it too. Thank you!! mikey
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Then you should INCLUDE his reasson for not answering the phone in his thoughts or narration. Then it would be okay. :)
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Okay. I'll expand on that. :)) I thought people could read my mind here. Humans are not as advanced as I first suspected....
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LOL! :)
Comment from seaglass
This is a great wind-up for the crime scene. Angela proved herself to be smart and strong. Elsa got what she deserved. Gary's gonna be sent to the 'big House'. All good.
We need follow-up on the little vagabond girls...they need a new home. Good writing.
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This is a great wind-up for the crime scene. Angela proved herself to be smart and strong. Elsa got what she deserved. Gary's gonna be sent to the 'big House'. All good.
We need follow-up on the little vagabond girls...they need a new home. Good writing.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2014
