The Whore War of 1871
Part 1 of a 2-parter.50 total reviews
Comment from IndianaIrish
Great humping story, humpwhistler. Love Miss Belle as she just may be the first woman's libber. A whore with intelligence, humor, and get 'er done attitude. Her loud method of advertising is brilliant. Jack may have to hire John Philip Souza and his band of renown. I have to give Jack a mountain of praise ... he may be humping himself into a zombie, but that boyo has stamina! Can't wait to read your climax.
Smiles,
Indy : ) ,
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Great humping story, humpwhistler. Love Miss Belle as she just may be the first woman's libber. A whore with intelligence, humor, and get 'er done attitude. Her loud method of advertising is brilliant. Jack may have to hire John Philip Souza and his band of renown. I have to give Jack a mountain of praise ... he may be humping himself into a zombie, but that boyo has stamina! Can't wait to read your climax.
Smiles,
Indy : ) ,
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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ah, thank you, Indy. It took some balls to put 'Whore' in the title, but most folks seem realize I'm not being crass. Mae Belle is truly a dame ahead of her time. And smart.
I love your analogy to advertising. I think that was a side benefit.
Now how did you know I'm planning on calling the next part The Climax?
So, would you join Mae's union if you had the chance? You know all that means.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Adri7enne
Really pushing the envelope, Lee. LOL! Seems like Mae Bell is out to do a little teaching of her own. Giving out all the "woman tricks' can be a costly venture on both sides. LOL!
Fun stuff, and I enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Really pushing the envelope, Lee. LOL! Seems like Mae Bell is out to do a little teaching of her own. Giving out all the "woman tricks' can be a costly venture on both sides. LOL!
Fun stuff, and I enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Yeah, Adri7enne, I am pushing the envelope a little. Maybe I'm challenging those 'keep it clean' people who pollute the prompts. That kind of censorship on a writing site is antithetical. I'm an entertainer, not a preacher.
Mae Belle is a worthy character. You understand.
Thank you. I'm not being provocative for its own sake.
Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Lee.
Great post! Your characters and dialogue are excellent. I burst out laughing as more musicians were added to the lineup of entertainment. Even tuba's can only blast so loud. LOL The business venture is very clever, especially the manipulation of such wise a lady, now fully in charge of the business. Isn't it said that food is the way to a man's heart? :D LOL You've proven that thought is dead in the water. LOL
Very funny and well-written post!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Hi, Lee.
Great post! Your characters and dialogue are excellent. I burst out laughing as more musicians were added to the lineup of entertainment. Even tuba's can only blast so loud. LOL The business venture is very clever, especially the manipulation of such wise a lady, now fully in charge of the business. Isn't it said that food is the way to a man's heart? :D LOL You've proven that thought is dead in the water. LOL
Very funny and well-written post!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thanks so much, Rosalyne. Men, my dear, have two appetites. Sometimes it's food. Sometimes, it's sustenance.
I'm not sayin' I'm proud. Just honest.
So glad you enjoyed. I plan to post part 2 this evening. Hope you'll tune in. Peace, Lee
Comment from dennis0530
I would say this is writing about organized labor.
A humping read which I enjoyed. Of course it is expected that in a normally flourishing business partnership, sooner or later partners will demand better cuts.
For me, I have gained a few colorful humping vocabulary.
A moment of humor:
"You need a whore"
"Indeed I do"
Both could be taken two ways. Maybe intended for the place. But the reply was for himself too.
Satisfactorily compromised.
"no word-mincer neither" - I think is should be EITHER
"When Jack finally come down..." - CAME
"ringing the bell ever chance..." - EVERY
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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I would say this is writing about organized labor.
A humping read which I enjoyed. Of course it is expected that in a normally flourishing business partnership, sooner or later partners will demand better cuts.
For me, I have gained a few colorful humping vocabulary.
A moment of humor:
"You need a whore"
"Indeed I do"
Both could be taken two ways. Maybe intended for the place. But the reply was for himself too.
Satisfactorily compromised.
"no word-mincer neither" - I think is should be EITHER
"When Jack finally come down..." - CAME
"ringing the bell ever chance..." - EVERY
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thank you, dennis, I'm glad you enjoyed. Indeed the conversation beginning with 'You need a whore' is intended to have two meanings. Since the narrator 'speaks' in the vernacular of the time, I'll stand by 'neither', 'come', and 'ever'. When it story is told in the narrator's voice, idioms are treated like dialogue.
Thank you for your careful read and review.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Well, now, that was a bit of a cliff hanger! So many unanswered questions; how did the girls organize? How did the war progress? Seems a sequel is in order.
Great writing; super descriptions, great dialect. Trademarks of your stories.
"You look like a dried up old mop, partner." Hilarious. Jack is screwing himself right out of his business.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Well, now, that was a bit of a cliff hanger! So many unanswered questions; how did the girls organize? How did the war progress? Seems a sequel is in order.
Great writing; super descriptions, great dialect. Trademarks of your stories.
"You look like a dried up old mop, partner." Hilarious. Jack is screwing himself right out of his business.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thank you, Green Lake Girl. Indeed, there is a second part to this story which I hope to post this evening.
And you're right about Jack screwin' himself.
Thanks so much for the galaxy. I hope you like part 2 as much.
Peace, Lee
Comment from N.K. Wagner
A whore's union? Is that what's in the cards? Lee, the concept has merit. The ladies have the upper, uh, hand.
Despite the straight-forward topic, you've treated this with so much humor, it can't possibly be offensive. Outstanding job, Lee. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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A whore's union? Is that what's in the cards? Lee, the concept has merit. The ladies have the upper, uh, hand.
Despite the straight-forward topic, you've treated this with so much humor, it can't possibly be offensive. Outstanding job, Lee. :) Nancy
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thanks for the galaxy, Nancy. A union? Of a sort, I guess.
But I wonder where I'd have to look for the union label? That could be fun.
Glad you weren't offended. Part 2 should get posted this evening. Peace, Lee
Comment from nor84
Sweat, Nevada. Love the name!
Probably don't need to capitalize grizzly.
Like my mammy used to warn>>>I stumbled here, because I don't know who is telling me this. Don't yet know who the first-person narrator might be.
I like the narrative style of this. Fits well in a western theme.
Great dialogue and character descriptions. You are telling me what they look like, but you're telling me who they are.
I might have gone as high as two months (months') wages--were I a workin' man, that is.
And if she didn't purely enjoy what she did for (a) living,
Okay, this deserves a six, And you know I don't give those away without a struggle. I'll be reading the second part. Can't wait.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Sweat, Nevada. Love the name!
Probably don't need to capitalize grizzly.
Like my mammy used to warn>>>I stumbled here, because I don't know who is telling me this. Don't yet know who the first-person narrator might be.
I like the narrative style of this. Fits well in a western theme.
Great dialogue and character descriptions. You are telling me what they look like, but you're telling me who they are.
I might have gone as high as two months (months') wages--were I a workin' man, that is.
And if she didn't purely enjoy what she did for (a) living,
Okay, this deserves a six, And you know I don't give those away without a struggle. I'll be reading the second part. Can't wait.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thank you for your precious six, Nor. I sometimes struggle with identifying character/narrators. The information can come across awkwardly, or as exposition. I appreciate you bringing it up (and the spag, too).
I hope you like part 2 as much. But I won't be expecting another six.
Thanks again.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Cathy222
Just writing to rate--continue to be impressed by your range of platforms for humor that keeps me chuckling when I'm not laughing out loud.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Just writing to rate--continue to be impressed by your range of platforms for humor that keeps me chuckling when I'm not laughing out loud.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thank you, Cathy. Chuckles and laughs make me happy. A lot of writers around here are too serious to be entertaining. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from mjac777
Exceptional! Truly exceptional. The dialogue was totally amazing - accent, and fresh, witty lines! Subject matter was fresh - new- and inspired.
Excuse my obsequious chattering - I know you're a pro!
Some of my fav lines:
Mad Jack, the hyper-humper lol
give 'em the horizontal howdy. (inspired)
He looked at me like I just farted at a Baptist wedding' (he he he)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Exceptional! Truly exceptional. The dialogue was totally amazing - accent, and fresh, witty lines! Subject matter was fresh - new- and inspired.
Excuse my obsequious chattering - I know you're a pro!
Some of my fav lines:
Mad Jack, the hyper-humper lol
give 'em the horizontal howdy. (inspired)
He looked at me like I just farted at a Baptist wedding' (he he he)
Comment Written 06-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much, mjac. You picked out some of my favorite lines. I really appreciate the galaxy. I hope you'll tune in for part 2. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from The Death
Hi, Lee.
Superb use of satirical phrases and witty dialogues. You've made effective use of vernacular sounds. Loved all those slang. All these make the story natural-sounding and easy to visualize.
The introductory paragraph made me smile because of that creative simile and the 'Mamma' reference...LOL!
Notes:
# Gunslinglers(,) he could conk from behind.
But girls? All Jack Donovan knew about girls was an uncontrollable hankerin' to give 'em the horizontal howdy. Not that I'd'a called him obsessed. LOL!
# No, Jack Donovan stretched far beyond obsessed(--)He was Mad.
A dash might be more appropriate. It's optional, of course.
# Indeed, I do," Jack concurred with a blush.
I think it's an action tag, so you need to have a period after 'do'.
# As Jack escorted Mae Belle up the stairs, (there) wasn't a cowhand in the joint who wouldn't have traded his best pony and a month's wages to change places.
# When Jack finally come down the stairs smilin', and there was finally somethin' worth sweatin' for in Sweat, Nevada.
It should be 'came', not 'come'.
# Four days after Mae Belle's arrival(,) Jack had to hire a second piano player and a fiddler to drown out the whore's exuberance.
# "Seems I don't have no trouble findin' your bits and pieces."
Is it supposed to be 'I have no trouble' or 'I don't have trouble'?
Strong characterization of Jack and Mae. Excellent POV as well. The double-meaning dialogues add fun to this story. Smooth pacing and detailing make it intriguing. Loved play on words with 'belle' and 'hump'. The next chapter will be exciting.
Regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Hi, Lee.
Superb use of satirical phrases and witty dialogues. You've made effective use of vernacular sounds. Loved all those slang. All these make the story natural-sounding and easy to visualize.
The introductory paragraph made me smile because of that creative simile and the 'Mamma' reference...LOL!
Notes:
# Gunslinglers(,) he could conk from behind.
But girls? All Jack Donovan knew about girls was an uncontrollable hankerin' to give 'em the horizontal howdy. Not that I'd'a called him obsessed. LOL!
# No, Jack Donovan stretched far beyond obsessed(--)He was Mad.
A dash might be more appropriate. It's optional, of course.
# Indeed, I do," Jack concurred with a blush.
I think it's an action tag, so you need to have a period after 'do'.
# As Jack escorted Mae Belle up the stairs, (there) wasn't a cowhand in the joint who wouldn't have traded his best pony and a month's wages to change places.
# When Jack finally come down the stairs smilin', and there was finally somethin' worth sweatin' for in Sweat, Nevada.
It should be 'came', not 'come'.
# Four days after Mae Belle's arrival(,) Jack had to hire a second piano player and a fiddler to drown out the whore's exuberance.
# "Seems I don't have no trouble findin' your bits and pieces."
Is it supposed to be 'I have no trouble' or 'I don't have trouble'?
Strong characterization of Jack and Mae. Excellent POV as well. The double-meaning dialogues add fun to this story. Smooth pacing and detailing make it intriguing. Loved play on words with 'belle' and 'hump'. The next chapter will be exciting.
Regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 06-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Thank you, Anupam Sharma, for your wonderfully encouraging and detailed review. I will incorporate many of your suggestions.
But I may think a bit about a couple of the others. These only deal with vernacular of the time and place. Double negatives such as "I don't have no trouble" were common in idiomatic speech of the period. We Americans tend to torture the language, then laugh at ourselves when we read Mark Twain.
Again, my sincere thanks for your special review.
Peace, Lee
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Thanks for your lovely reply, Lee. I'm glad you found the suggestions somewhat helpful. I'm not fully accustomed to such styles as our cultures differ drastically. I see reviewing as a process of mutual learning, so I appreciate your thoughts. :)
Enjoy the day!
