Comment from rama devi

Excellent

So nice to see you posting again, my friend. I love Sci-fi genre...so look forward to reading more of this.

This opening scene develops the characters wonderfully well--especially the cook, her helper and the cranky boss. The character introduced at the end is compelling too--mysterious hook for reading the next chapter...

Superb pacing, narrative, dialog and sentence constructions.

Spag free...but I have one optional suggestion:

Winsome was a wiry old bastard with a face like a bird of prey crossed with a rotten grape(s).

Excellent descriptive detail brings this to life. Bravo.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014

Thank you, RD :-). When I published this on Page and Spine, it was in two parts (3,500 words each) and I wasn't completely happy with the ending. Now, I'm enjoying finding those sensible points to put breaks in so it's in more sections and the opportunity to fine tune the later section.

So glad you enjoyed it :-).

Mike

reply by rama devi on 04-Jul-2014

Great, Mike! :-)

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

his head snapped up in that predictable gesture, smacked his hand down with a bang, his smirk became a sneer - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance emotion of the spoken conversation
A crash sounded from outside the entryway, - add comma
I love the time-travel ending
great character development of the woman cook and her horrid boss
I'm intrigued
Brooke

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014

Thank you, Brooke :-). I'm editing ahead so I'll be posting subsequent chapters as I earn the promo cash.

Mike

Comment from MIKECON

Excellent

Liked the storyline, cant wait for the next chapter.Well Written with a touch of expatiation that keeps ones interest going throughout.

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 Comment Written 02-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014

Thank you, Mike - so glad you liked it :-).

Mike

Comment from mumsyone

Excellent

Hi Mike,

I don't normally read science fiction, but since it is your work, I decided to read this, and I like it. It is well written throughout, as I knew it would be. Only one sentence made me stumble:

A man stood in the doorway who defied rational description. Better: A man who defied rational description stood in the doorway.

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014

Thank you so much :-). I've reworked that sentence as you suggest - much smoother. It's really more romance with the science fiction providing the setting but I thought it best to be upfront about that element. I'm really happy you liked it.

Mike

Comment from N.K. Wagner

Exceptional

This was a fun journey the first time, Mike. I' looking forward to the revised and extended romp. No need for an editor here. Beautifully done. :) nancy

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thank you so much, Nancy :-). I've been meaning to revisit this for ages. I was very happy with it originally but I wanted to flesh out the ending.

Mike