The Circus is Here!
Lots of excitement for the Hedgerow Friends28 total reviews
Comment from emrpoems
Good description of the circus
good use of dialogue
Excellent use of repetition
Story moved at a steady pace and held my attention. a good one for children
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
  |
Good description of the circus
good use of dialogue
Excellent use of repetition
Story moved at a steady pace and held my attention. a good one for children
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so much for your lovely review, I am so pleased you liked it. :) Sandra
Comment from rmj09
Very exciting story for the youth. Good colorful descriptive words.
Their daddy (drop was) still sat at the table...
Once the Big Tent (was full right up I don't understand this) so thrilled,...
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
Very exciting story for the youth. Good colorful descriptive words.
Their daddy (drop was) still sat at the table...
Once the Big Tent (was full right up I don't understand this) so thrilled,...
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so much, rmj, for your lovely review. I have taken your advice and changed that line, also changed the line you didn't understand. I expect others would say the same, so I changed it first. :) Sandra
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Hahahaha! A comical sight to behold. Guess, you can a lot with eight arms. it 's penned good. Saw no obvious errors. Looks shipshape to me. Was a delight to read. Some interesting word choices. Got a giggle, here and there, and everywhere? Nice flow, smooth enough. You did an excellent job, keep up the good work. wackydo
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
Hahahaha! A comical sight to behold. Guess, you can a lot with eight arms. it 's penned good. Saw no obvious errors. Looks shipshape to me. Was a delight to read. Some interesting word choices. Got a giggle, here and there, and everywhere? Nice flow, smooth enough. You did an excellent job, keep up the good work. wackydo
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
What a lovely review, Wackydo, thank you so much. I'm delighted that you enjoyed my story. The sequel is in it's final stages! ;)xsx Sandra
-
Anytime, shalom
Comment from c_lucas
I didn't find any nits or spag. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
I didn't find any nits or spag. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so very much, Charlie. xsx Sandra
-
You're welcome, Sandra. Charlie
Comment from royowen
I love this story, I suppose most of us remember when when we visited the circus when we were young! The clowns, the performing horses, trapeze artists, this was a absorbing excerpt about these lovely characters, I particularly like the seed planted in Millie's heart! I enjoyed this well written chapter, and look forward to more adventures, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
I love this story, I suppose most of us remember when when we visited the circus when we were young! The clowns, the performing horses, trapeze artists, this was a absorbing excerpt about these lovely characters, I particularly like the seed planted in Millie's heart! I enjoyed this well written chapter, and look forward to more adventures, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you, Roy, so much for your wonderful review! I am so pleased you enjoyed it. The sequel is in it's final stages! :) Sandra
Comment from The Death
Hi, Sandra.
It's a very interesting story with funny, well-named characters. You've captured their excitement and amazement very well in this story.
I especially like the vivid and detailed descriptions that create settings and add in visualizing different scenes. You made effective use of repetition with 'lots and lots' , 'around and around'. These small tricks will surely help in drawing and holding children's attention, which generally has a very short span...LOL!
Only two optional suggestions:
# Mummy Mouse turned and looked at her two boys, and smiled. "You can go if Daddy says you can."
You can simply have 'so' in place of 'you can' in the last.
# From out of nowhere, large swirls of smoke(--)yellow, green, pink and blue(--)began spiralling all over the ground.
Dashes would be more effective than commas here.
The way you have described the circus activities is just too good. One can imagine the whole show and relate to the excitement of characters--especially when Tilda the Toad entered. I like the innocence being portrayed in the dialogues. They sound authentic, too.
Loved the ending as well. I'm sure everyone will enjoy this entertaining story. :)
Warm regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
Hi, Sandra.
It's a very interesting story with funny, well-named characters. You've captured their excitement and amazement very well in this story.
I especially like the vivid and detailed descriptions that create settings and add in visualizing different scenes. You made effective use of repetition with 'lots and lots' , 'around and around'. These small tricks will surely help in drawing and holding children's attention, which generally has a very short span...LOL!
Only two optional suggestions:
# Mummy Mouse turned and looked at her two boys, and smiled. "You can go if Daddy says you can."
You can simply have 'so' in place of 'you can' in the last.
# From out of nowhere, large swirls of smoke(--)yellow, green, pink and blue(--)began spiralling all over the ground.
Dashes would be more effective than commas here.
The way you have described the circus activities is just too good. One can imagine the whole show and relate to the excitement of characters--especially when Tilda the Toad entered. I like the innocence being portrayed in the dialogues. They sound authentic, too.
Loved the ending as well. I'm sure everyone will enjoy this entertaining story. :)
Warm regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so very, very much for your wonderful review, Anupam, how kind of you so say such nice things. I will be going back over those two lines, you have given me some good alternitives that make it flow better. I do appreciate the time and effort you put into it. :) Sandra xsx
Comment from DanielEkine
Tommy and Timmy love the circus a lot. "Mummy please can we go," they said.
A beautiful story for children and adults alike. I like the use of rrumpity. It gives the childlike feel. Nicely executed by the author. Playful and exciting. The pace is eloquent for a children story work. Great job. Keep writing, Author. A lovely artwork.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
Tommy and Timmy love the circus a lot. "Mummy please can we go," they said.
A beautiful story for children and adults alike. I like the use of rrumpity. It gives the childlike feel. Nicely executed by the author. Playful and exciting. The pace is eloquent for a children story work. Great job. Keep writing, Author. A lovely artwork.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Daniel, I am so pleased you liked it. :) sandra
Comment from adewpearl
listen, everybody - add comma for direct address
come on, everyone - add comma
delightful descriptive detail of the circus makes for a cheery mood
The two boys watched as the procession move - moved
as he threw a cane into the air and catching it - caught it
good use of onomatopoeia with the drums
Excellent details of the circus and the acts
good natural-sounding dialogue that conveys the excitement of the children
Brooke :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
|
listen, everybody - add comma for direct address
come on, everyone - add comma
delightful descriptive detail of the circus makes for a cheery mood
The two boys watched as the procession move - moved
as he threw a cane into the air and catching it - caught it
good use of onomatopoeia with the drums
Excellent details of the circus and the acts
good natural-sounding dialogue that conveys the excitement of the children
Brooke :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
-
Thank you so much, Brooke, for your lovely review. You would think by now I would remember about the direct address! :( I have made the corrections, thank you! :) Sandra
