If I Can't Make the Shot
a swap quatrain133 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
Flexibility and determination is the theme of this poem. Good use of enjambment in stanza two, three, and four.
My favorite line:and if my bubble's burst, I'll dream a different dream.
Hope all those depressed writers out there read this!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Flexibility and determination is the theme of this poem. Good use of enjambment in stanza two, three, and four.
My favorite line:and if my bubble's burst, I'll dream a different dream.
Hope all those depressed writers out there read this!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much, Spitfire :-) Brooke
Comment from fairy77
That is a wonderful piece and the perfect pic. Well done it was fun and a joy to review. I enjoyed the rhyme and felt you did a great job. Best poet on site, your rhymes and poetry dynamite:)beth fairy77.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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That is a wonderful piece and the perfect pic. Well done it was fun and a joy to review. I enjoyed the rhyme and felt you did a great job. Best poet on site, your rhymes and poetry dynamite:)beth fairy77.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Beth, thanks so much :-) Brooke
Comment from Donya Quijote
Sentimental, philosophical, and contemplative, a delightful blending of thought and action in an if/then style structure. Even pacing with slight bounce in rhythm with gentle tone.
A packed poem with good advice to boot. Two favorite lines of wisdom:
If answers I have not, I'll ask what I don't know
and if my bubble's burst, I'll dream a different dream.
One line sounded slightly awkward to me, an it's likely just me.
There always is a way to get what I've not got --
I found myself saying there is always a way instead of what you wrote when I read the poem out loud. It's syntax I think that's got my brain and tongue in a twist.
Irregardless, the poem is a wonderful read. Nice pic of Sawyer too.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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Sentimental, philosophical, and contemplative, a delightful blending of thought and action in an if/then style structure. Even pacing with slight bounce in rhythm with gentle tone.
A packed poem with good advice to boot. Two favorite lines of wisdom:
If answers I have not, I'll ask what I don't know
and if my bubble's burst, I'll dream a different dream.
One line sounded slightly awkward to me, an it's likely just me.
There always is a way to get what I've not got --
I found myself saying there is always a way instead of what you wrote when I read the poem out loud. It's syntax I think that's got my brain and tongue in a twist.
Irregardless, the poem is a wonderful read. Nice pic of Sawyer too.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much, Donya - When I wrote that line I knew it was not the kind of grammar I would use in a prose piece, but for a lighthearted poem, I like the sound of it. Brooke :-)
Comment from Ben Colder
Well done Brooke. Now I can call it a day. I have my joy fulfilled. Sawyer, Grandmother send me off to watch TV and leave you and her to write another poem. Blessings to you Brooke.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Well done Brooke. Now I can call it a day. I have my joy fulfilled. Sawyer, Grandmother send me off to watch TV and leave you and her to write another poem. Blessings to you Brooke.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Thanks so very much, Ben :-) Brooke
Comment from lakeport
If I can't make the shot, that's a lovely picture, that's a
beautiful expressed story poem,nice rhyming. I enjoyed reading it.God bless you.Hugs!Lakeport.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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If I can't make the shot, that's a lovely picture, that's a
beautiful expressed story poem,nice rhyming. I enjoyed reading it.God bless you.Hugs!Lakeport.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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lakeport, thank you so much :-) Brooke
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your welcome,Hugs!Lakeport.
Comment from c_lucas
When at first, you don't succeed, Cheat. i am surprise Sawyer can get the ball that high. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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When at first, you don't succeed, Cheat. i am surprise Sawyer can get the ball that high. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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LOL - I love you, Charley :-) Brooke
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You're welcome, Brooke. Sorry to hear about Pam. Charlie
Comment from mjac777
Nicely metered and good flow. I can see this as a poster in many offices, gyms, and places of self improvement. Good treatise on never giving up.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Nicely metered and good flow. I can see this as a poster in many offices, gyms, and places of self improvement. Good treatise on never giving up.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Thanks for reviewing, mjac - since a 4 on Fan Story translates to needs improvement/adjustment, could you please clarify which part or parts you would like to see revised? Brooke
Comment from RYME4U
This is a great writing style. It makes the beat bouncy and
rhythmic! Your poems always carry such uplifting messages, this one shows an "I can do it" and a "never give up" attitude. Very well done.Excellent!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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This is a great writing style. It makes the beat bouncy and
rhythmic! Your poems always carry such uplifting messages, this one shows an "I can do it" and a "never give up" attitude. Very well done.Excellent!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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RYME4U, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from Eric1
Well it is so difficult to find fault with your poetry, and the day I do I will pour a large scotch, this as usual is a brilliant Quatrain that has excellent Rhyme, excellent structure and flow and excellent Rhythm. I do not have any more sixes, Twice I have lost my sixes by pressing save before pressing off the score (a trait of this Site)
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Well it is so difficult to find fault with your poetry, and the day I do I will pour a large scotch, this as usual is a brilliant Quatrain that has excellent Rhyme, excellent structure and flow and excellent Rhythm. I do not have any more sixes, Twice I have lost my sixes by pressing save before pressing off the score (a trait of this Site)
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
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Eric, thank you so much :-) I so appreciate your generous wish for a sixth star :-) Brooke
Comment from Domino 2
I bet I could score more goals (if that's what they're called in basketball) than Sawyer, with a net that high, though I'd probably be kind enough to let him score one...hmmm...maybe not. LOL.
Excellent sentiments of, if losing it's not the end of the world, as we can always practice and have another 'shot' at life.
I know you're excellent at meter, Brooke, and the beats are consistent here, but I found myself coming to a sudden halt in the middle of each line.
I'm sure you'll understand and completely re-write it in view of my learned observations that you know are always correct. Haha.
Excellent read.
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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I bet I could score more goals (if that's what they're called in basketball) than Sawyer, with a net that high, though I'd probably be kind enough to let him score one...hmmm...maybe not. LOL.
Excellent sentiments of, if losing it's not the end of the world, as we can always practice and have another 'shot' at life.
I know you're excellent at meter, Brooke, and the beats are consistent here, but I found myself coming to a sudden halt in the middle of each line.
I'm sure you'll understand and completely re-write it in view of my learned observations that you know are always correct. Haha.
Excellent read.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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Ray, thank you, my friend. Yep, I see hours of work ahead fixing the poem. LOL Brooke :-)
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You're a scream, Brookers. :-)
Ray xx
