Killdozer
Was the bounty worth it?2 total reviews
Comment from KathySteinemann
Good luck with the contest!
Remember to put a comma before "sugar", "honey pie", etc. They are a form of direct address.
"One of the soldiers face is" should be "One of the soldiers' faces is".
"Boy, its delicious" should be "Boy, it's delicious".
"He shuffles nervously and his eyes dart nervously around the bar": "Nervously" is repeated twice. Can eyes dart? Perhaps say that his gaze darts nervously.
The paragraph that repeats "a place where" could be toned down. Perhaps remove some details and find another way to say "a place where".
The answer to "how much" should be "nothing".
I like "My heart beats in my mouth, and I've got a layer of sweat on my back so slick I can feel my armour move like a tectonic plate on lava".
I like "I say through the fluffy headedness".
Good snapshot of the future.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Good luck with the contest!
Remember to put a comma before "sugar", "honey pie", etc. They are a form of direct address.
"One of the soldiers face is" should be "One of the soldiers' faces is".
"Boy, its delicious" should be "Boy, it's delicious".
"He shuffles nervously and his eyes dart nervously around the bar": "Nervously" is repeated twice. Can eyes dart? Perhaps say that his gaze darts nervously.
The paragraph that repeats "a place where" could be toned down. Perhaps remove some details and find another way to say "a place where".
The answer to "how much" should be "nothing".
I like "My heart beats in my mouth, and I've got a layer of sweat on my back so slick I can feel my armour move like a tectonic plate on lava".
I like "I say through the fluffy headedness".
Good snapshot of the future.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thanks for the review and tips, they're very much appreciated.
Comment from GracieAnn
This installment contains believable dialogue with a somewhat southern idiom use. The seeds of intrigue are planted and the story line creative. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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This installment contains believable dialogue with a somewhat southern idiom use. The seeds of intrigue are planted and the story line creative. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thanks for the review and for the kind comments.
