Graven Images
A lonely man laments the loss of his life-long love...91 total reviews
Comment from ravenblack
I have to say this is perhaps one of your most haunting writes, most of the frights between the lines. You set it up well by devoting a whole line to the unused pillow. I kept waiting for it to be filled. In some Native American cultures, when a loved one dies, a fetish was created to house their spirit and it was treated as if it were that person. It was not always done, just when family members could not let go. After an allotted time, grieving was over, the fetish burned. Nothing demonic about it- just psychological, help through the grieving process.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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I have to say this is perhaps one of your most haunting writes, most of the frights between the lines. You set it up well by devoting a whole line to the unused pillow. I kept waiting for it to be filled. In some Native American cultures, when a loved one dies, a fetish was created to house their spirit and it was treated as if it were that person. It was not always done, just when family members could not let go. After an allotted time, grieving was over, the fetish burned. Nothing demonic about it- just psychological, help through the grieving process.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks, ravenblack. I really appreciate the info, as well as your fine review.
Comment from Warren Rodgers
Hi Dean,
An image-filled write portraying the earthly end of a devoted love. Your poem has a good rhythm with just a few breaks in meter. Nice personification and alliteration. One little nit, I believe there should be an apostrophe in "sunshine's shimmer". The feeling of loss and lonesome comes through to the reader. Well done,good luck in the contest.
All the best,
Rodger
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Hi Dean,
An image-filled write portraying the earthly end of a devoted love. Your poem has a good rhythm with just a few breaks in meter. Nice personification and alliteration. One little nit, I believe there should be an apostrophe in "sunshine's shimmer". The feeling of loss and lonesome comes through to the reader. Well done,good luck in the contest.
All the best,
Rodger
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much, Rodger. I truly appreciate the suggestions and review, my friend.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Dean, I loved this - a very unusual and creative love story, with a twist ending that appeals to the horror buff as well as the romantic. The rhyme is wonderful. (Meter is darn good too. *smile*) I don't have any sixes left, but this is most worthy - just lovely!!!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Dean, I loved this - a very unusual and creative love story, with a twist ending that appeals to the horror buff as well as the romantic. The rhyme is wonderful. (Meter is darn good too. *smile*) I don't have any sixes left, but this is most worthy - just lovely!!!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Dawn. I have been working on getting my meter much smoother. My hope is that eventually, it will start to show...eventually, LOL.
Thanks for an excellent review.
Comment from Nosha17
It started off quite calmly and I knew it wouldn't remain so, but it wasn't too scary for me! But a very well written epic style poem of the fated lovers' tryst. Your rhymes and choice of words were superb. The imagery was intense. Most enjoyable and much luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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It started off quite calmly and I knew it wouldn't remain so, but it wasn't too scary for me! But a very well written epic style poem of the fated lovers' tryst. Your rhymes and choice of words were superb. The imagery was intense. Most enjoyable and much luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks a bunch, Faye. I sincerely appreciate your excellent review and rating.
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Dean.
Your stories in poems are ALWAYS a special treat to read, but my only nit-pick in the past has been a somewhat lack of poetic meter.
Your meter here has improved enormously, and I don't wish that to sound patronising.
Brilliant flow except for just two lines than could be slightly tweaked:
'New dawn brushes the skies with pink'
'He can look, just to reminisce'
A very moving mystical tale where the lonely old guy gets his final wish and is re-united with his life-long departed beloved wife.
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Hi, Dean.
Your stories in poems are ALWAYS a special treat to read, but my only nit-pick in the past has been a somewhat lack of poetic meter.
Your meter here has improved enormously, and I don't wish that to sound patronising.
Brilliant flow except for just two lines than could be slightly tweaked:
'New dawn brushes the skies with pink'
'He can look, just to reminisce'
A very moving mystical tale where the lonely old guy gets his final wish and is re-united with his life-long departed beloved wife.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Ray, and those issues (as well as several others, LOL) have been addressed and revisions made. Hopefully, it reads much better now.
Thanks again for your review and fine suggestions.
Comment from Lulube
So beware, all those that wish and pray to God, it may not be answered by God, but by........
Good poemly story that flows really fast and easy to read. Good rhyming finishes each verse.
I like the twist at the end of 2 wooden statues are there.
lulube good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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So beware, all those that wish and pray to God, it may not be answered by God, but by........
Good poemly story that flows really fast and easy to read. Good rhyming finishes each verse.
I like the twist at the end of 2 wooden statues are there.
lulube good luck in the contest
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you Lulube. I appreciate both the review and your well-wishes for the contest.
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welcome Dean
lulube
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
I didn't read this as a horror story, Dean, but a love story: love fulfilled. An old man with dementia, overwrought, croaks from the strain brought on by the passing of his caretaker/wife. Anyway it's sliced it's a great reading. Kenny
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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I didn't read this as a horror story, Dean, but a love story: love fulfilled. An old man with dementia, overwrought, croaks from the strain brought on by the passing of his caretaker/wife. Anyway it's sliced it's a great reading. Kenny
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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It started out as a horror poem, then became something altogether different, Kenny. I have even revised the artwork and listing to "spiritual" to better reflect this. Thanks so much for taking the time to review and comment on it for me. Much appreciated.
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The artwork is fantastic also.
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Thanks, Kenny. I'm glad you liked it as well.
Comment from royowen
It is a mystery is it not if indeed one loves and misses his longed for wife, is that idolatry? Excellently scribed poem Dean, it touches the heart, this poem with a narrative that is descriptively expressive and succinctly delivered! I enjoyed in extremely well! Good one, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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It is a mystery is it not if indeed one loves and misses his longed for wife, is that idolatry? Excellently scribed poem Dean, it touches the heart, this poem with a narrative that is descriptively expressive and succinctly delivered! I enjoyed in extremely well! Good one, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you very much, Roy. It's always a pleasure to receive an assessment of my work from you.
Comment from RGstar
This first part of this was brilliant, so enthralled in the romanticism of the write, I thought it compassionate and touching, even wondered if the image was too harsh for its beauty.... though I knew the twist would come.
e second part brought the theme into play depicting the change, so evident in your writings and what you stand for.
''He looks upon worn haggard features;
"Who's in my mirror, vile creature!"
stares back at him with much disdain,
...he struggles to recall his name.''
A little thing as in the above like an 's' at the end of features and not the same sound in your rhyming line with ''creature'' can through the reader off an instant for such a small bagatelle. Things like that can make or brake a rhymed poem as this is essentially an aabb structure.
You have done a gallant job with this work and good creative end rhymes. Good storyline that has both romance and dread. Don't let it slip away with the small things, they are often the more detrimental.
''Out in the quiet graveyard ... there -
"Whence comes that icy, baleful stare?"
A wall of vaporous, murky gloom
lifts silently from musty tomb.''
Dean, I don't know what you think, but I might have preferred ''Hence'' to ''Whence'' in the context of that stanza.
''Whence'' meaning; 'from where' comes the icy stare?.... and we know where it comes from, so no need the question. ''hence '' meaning; because of, or the consequence of ... giving reason for the icy stare.
Don't know what you think, but a little inkling that it might suit a little better.
You have a formidable entry here. Could have a say in winning, just a little tightening and tweaking and you have a perfect poem.
Best wishes,
RGstar
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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This first part of this was brilliant, so enthralled in the romanticism of the write, I thought it compassionate and touching, even wondered if the image was too harsh for its beauty.... though I knew the twist would come.
e second part brought the theme into play depicting the change, so evident in your writings and what you stand for.
''He looks upon worn haggard features;
"Who's in my mirror, vile creature!"
stares back at him with much disdain,
...he struggles to recall his name.''
A little thing as in the above like an 's' at the end of features and not the same sound in your rhyming line with ''creature'' can through the reader off an instant for such a small bagatelle. Things like that can make or brake a rhymed poem as this is essentially an aabb structure.
You have done a gallant job with this work and good creative end rhymes. Good storyline that has both romance and dread. Don't let it slip away with the small things, they are often the more detrimental.
''Out in the quiet graveyard ... there -
"Whence comes that icy, baleful stare?"
A wall of vaporous, murky gloom
lifts silently from musty tomb.''
Dean, I don't know what you think, but I might have preferred ''Hence'' to ''Whence'' in the context of that stanza.
''Whence'' meaning; 'from where' comes the icy stare?.... and we know where it comes from, so no need the question. ''hence '' meaning; because of, or the consequence of ... giving reason for the icy stare.
Don't know what you think, but a little inkling that it might suit a little better.
You have a formidable entry here. Could have a say in winning, just a little tightening and tweaking and you have a perfect poem.
Best wishes,
RGstar
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much for you detailed breakdown, RG. I did rethink and edit the haggard features stanza. However, the one containing the word "whence" is in proper context as it pertains to the old English dialect and the ways in which one would speak. See the definition below...
whence
[hwens, wens]
adverb
1.from what place?: Whence comest thou?
2.from what source, origin, or cause?: Whence has he wisdom?
conjunction
3.from what place, source, cause, etc.: He told whence he came.
I did, however, tweak it just a bit, LOL...
Thanks for your excellent review, and for assisting me in making this a far better read.
With respect and appreciation,
Dean
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Great stuff, Dean
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Thank you! Lots of revisions, but I think it's finally getting there.
I really appreciate your help, RG.
Comment from c_lucas
A very majestic poetic work. It has a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read with very good imagery. This is a very good read.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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A very majestic poetic work. It has a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read with very good imagery. This is a very good read.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you for your comments, Charlie.
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You're welcome, Dean. Charlie
